The Ugly Duckling Bakery
by staceleo
Summary: Bella Swan owns a small town bakery and has enough to do with the holidays approaching. Unfortunately, Edward Cullen decides it's the perfect time to make over Forks and Bella. Will she let love in and change him instead?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I couldn't get this story out of my head, so her is the beginning and it is my take on those holiday romances that are all over the television now that Thanksgiving is over. It's going to be like Forks, so for those who read that one I hope you like this one too.**

**It's hasn't been proofed yet, so my sincere apologies. I will update it later with appropriate changes. Also, readers of my other stories, new chapters are on the way. I will blame it on no sleep due to a sad toddler whose been up all night getting molars. **

**Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. You all know who does. I just use them for writing practice. **

Chapter 1: Apple Tarts

"A pretty girl like you needs to find a fella that will take you to nice places, like that new Panera. You know the one… it replaced the Subway in that shopping center on Route 145. My boy, Michael would be happy to take you there."

Isabella Marie Swan, aka Bella, attempted to smother a groan giving the elder Mr. Newton a half-hearted smile. Every day since his retirement from the Newton Sports Emporium, Michael Newton, Sr. waddled into her bakery wearing a camel colored cardigan and a pair of worn, plaid golf pants. Without fail he would order his usual toasted multi-grain bagel with cream cheese on the side and a black coffee sweetened by two Splendias. Then at exactly 8:30 A.M. on the dot, the elder Newton would attempt to coax Bella into dating his idiot son.

Bella placed his mug of coffee and bagel in front of him on the small round table by the store front window that was decorated festively with construction paper pumpkins and leaves. She gave a little laugh, "You really need to tell Junior he needs to ask me out himself and not send a much more desirable gentleman to come calling for him."

To be truthful, Bella would prefer that she wouldn't be mentioned to Michael Jr. at all. Out of sight and out of mind would work so much better.

"Dear girl, in that case, put an old man out of his misery and run away with me. I'll show you the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Egypt or at least The Forks Diner on Tuesday at four. They have a great senior citizen discount." Michael Sr. wizened face erupted in a grin as he patted her hand. Michael Sr. was quite fond of the sassy Swan girl. He thought Bella's sharp tongue had the potential to finally get his son's ass in gear. If that didn't work to get his son to focus, a stint in the Army and a very angry drill Sargent. Whatever came first would suffice.

"You are always the charmer, Mr. Newton. Tell me though, what would Mrs. Newton think about our adventures?"

"That old bag? Forget about her Miss Bella. She's too busy watching The View or The Chew or some such nonsense." Michael Sr. shoved his thick black glasses up his thin nose.

While Michael Sr. was a joy, the rest of the Newton clan was decidedly not. Bella could never fathom how such a nice man could be married to one of the most horrible women on the planet, Ethel Newton. Thankfully, for the town, she was usually parked in a Lazy Boy chair in front of a large screen television getting her fix of daytime talk shows and Sarah Lee Coffee Cake. It was when, on rare occasions, she heaved herself out of the chair onto the streets that the good town folk of Forks would scurry like mice to hide. Ethel Newton had a joy of spreading toxic gossip and for this reason; it was in everyone's best interest to avoid her at all costs.

It was not surprising that her contaminated genes would have dominated over Michael Sr.'s more pleasant ones to create the vile Michael Jr. Whenever Bella pondered that perhaps her viewpoint was too harsh on the younger Newton, he would open his mouth and she would remember that he in fact was entirely evil. Bella had endured Junior's twisted wooing throughout first grade to graduation with barely a restrained need to punch him in the face. When they were at the tender age of six, Junior stuck a snake into her Hello Kitty backpack. At the age of thirteen, Michael renamed her, 'Smelly Belly' as revenge for her kicking him in the groin while he tried to grab her breast at recess. Finally, when they were seventeen he tried to sneak into the girl's locker room with a camera. Of course, this didn't put him in the good graces of any of the females in sixth period gym, but made skinny Ben Cheney the class champion for stopping him.

It was no wonder that Junior was not well liked in the community. His father's hard work would have all gone to pieces, do lack of local business, if it wasn't for the gullible tourists. They had no problem paying for overpriced tents and sleeping bags for trips into the deep, dark woods. While Junior had no problem fleecing them of their cash and preying on their fears of frost bite and bears. He was making a killing on expensive, ineffectual bear repellent that he was brewing in his apartment kitchen that smelled of old coffee, baking soda and a knockoff Old Spice deodorant. Even though Bella had heard Barnum of Barnum & Bailey Circus never said it, she still believed, "There's a sucker born every minute." Or something like that.

Michael Sr. had similar thought to Bella on the state of his family. There was a reason he spent all day in her bakery or at bingo at St. Anne's Church.

Bella and Michael Sr. continued to chat, as Bella poured herself her own cup of Joe and plopped down in a chair beside him. It was a slow morning, so why not? They had just started to discuss the closing of the town's only music store, when the bell chimed to announce the opening of the door. Bella looked over at the man entering the room and was immediately pulled into flecks of brown that floated in his emerald orbs. They were like a mossy meadow that made a beating heart wish to lay down in them and wallow in their splendor. This is exactly how Bella described the stranger's eyes in her head. She always fashioned herself as a poet, obviously not a very good one which is the reason she was a baker and not a writer.

The man's hair was a russet color that reminded Bella of the pennies that she used to throw into Angela Webber's Koi pond when she was a young girl to make wishes for an Easy Bake Oven. Pennies that poisoned the koi and made them float to the top, which in turn made Bella and Angela start hysterically crying. To rid herself of this memory, Bella decided to take in the rest of the appendages of the man and immediately felt her body warming. She wanted to leap out of her chair and mount like the customer like a puma, pulling his penny hair as she attacked his pouty lips. Luckily two things stopped her. First, it was the idea of poor Michael Sr.'s horror to be subjected to such depravity, by the proprietor of his favorite bakery. Second, the disdainful look on the stranger's face. Disdainful looks are always a turn off.

"Excuse me, but does anyone work in this establishment?" Edward Cullen, the stranger of Bella's fantasy asked. He straightened his tie for the twelfth time in the early morning hour. Impressions were everything in life, he believed, and if wearing Armani you better look sharp.

Bella hopped out of her chair giving Michael Sr. and wink, and if the elder Newton was being honest a little thrill. She quickly walked over to the stand behind the counter and threw on a fake, but bright smile. "Sorry about that! What can I get you?"

"A triple espresso with no sugar." Edward noticed a spot of his shirt cuffs and started to panic.

"Oh…umm…I can get you a black coffee. I make it pretty strong. I have some flavorings. At least vanilla, maybe hazelnut… Wait, I have some pumpkin spice flavored creamer! You know it's great with Thanksgiving coming up."

"You do realize that you have a cappuccino maker on your counter?" Edward questioned, his eyes narrowing into slits.

"It was a gift. It's a gift that I have yet to master." Bella started to wipe the counters haphazardly. "Listen, Dude. This place is obviously hopping today, so I have no time for idle chit chat. I can give you a cup of Joe and maybe a croissant for a suit like you."

"Did you in all seriousness call me, 'dude'?" Edward started to run his fingers through his hair making it a wild mess. Bella's thoughts started to veer into pushing the jerk onto the counter and running her hands through his sexy mop. Stupid, penny hair was making her think dirty thoughts again.

Bella started stuttering and blushing, "I…I…I…"

Edward was wondering what the problem was with this infuriating and strange girl. He was trying not to peer into the lovely cleavage that was discreetly peeking out from her shirt, as she leaned over to grab a cookie and shove it into her mouth. He watched her chew on it and his mind started to wander about all the things that pretty brunette could do with those pink lips. He quickly barked at her to cover his distracted feelings, "Listen all I want is an espresso, but I would honestly take a venti cappuccino to deal with you right now.

"Listen, Archie, we have normal sizes. You ever heard of small, medium and large? You could, I know this is one of those crazy ideas, sit at a table and drink out of a mug. You can pretend to be earth friendly," Bella said angrily. The anger was stemming more from her dirty thoughts about the jackass, then his actual words.

"Who the hell is Archie?" Edward was confused. Was she confusing him for a past lover? He was slightly offended by this, because they were not yet lovers. Not that he wanted to be, well maybe he did a little bit. Plus he was a magnificent lover that would put all her past sexual interludes into pale comparisons.

"The famous comic books starring a guy named Archie. He has red hair like you. He is deciding between snobby Veronica and innocent Betty, but can't make up his damn mind. You have to know this."

"What are you blathering on about?" Edward asked, his head was spinning and he felt a migraine coming on.

Bella got a dazed look on her face. "Wait… What was I talking about? Never mind, it wasn't important. What is important, sir is that this isn't a Starbucks with their overpriced burnt beans. Forks doesn't even qualify for a Dunkin Donuts. However, there is a Tom Horton's on Sycamore Street. Canada's finest brew, I've been told. You can get your fix there, while grabbing some donuts."

"Just give me a black coffee." He sat down at the counted on an old stool. Edward was drawn to her sassy tongue. He wondered if she would be willing to visit the back room with him and christen a flour covered table with him. Naked and flour…the OCD part of him was disgusted, but the kinky side was ready to try it out. He quickly stomped out the thought by adding, "One of those things in the display case."

"An apple tart?" Bella asked. She almost giggled thinking that word tart also worked well as a description of his disposition. "Are you sure I can't convince you to try some Pumpkin Spice creamer while you're at it?"

"No!" Edward exclaimed. What was with this woman and presumably horrible tasting holiday creamers. He was sure that she was going to have a candy cane or egg nog milk product fetish in a mere few weeks.

"Fine," Bella huffed and headed to the coffee pot. "Please say that this is to go."

Edward looked at her cute little behind and said wearily, "Just pour the coffee."

Bella was partly disappointed he wasn't heading out the door, but there was a tiny flicker in mind that she could take in his handsome face a bit longer. She was frightened that this meant she was becoming a masochist.

"They say good service is dead," Edward said with a smirk as she dropped the plate that held the tart in front of him. Bella crossed her arms and watched transfixed him as he took a bite. Those lips… She felt warm again.

Edward was feeling warm as well. The taste of the sweet pastry and sharp bite of the granny apple played a symphony on his tongue. He was in love with this breakfast confection and whoever masterfully created it. He moaned in sugary bliss.

"What do you think?" Bella asked interrupting his love affair with the food he had just consumed.

"Who made this delectable treat? I need to see the chef or is the manager in?"

"I wear both of those hats. I created that culinary masterpiece before you. I take that it's a win in your book." She grinned, feeling triumphant.

Edward looked shocked. "Well that's a surprise. As a matter of fact, I am surprised you have the concentration to tie your shoe."

Bella's happiness quickly dissipated to a need to cram a Boston Cream Pie in the egotist's face. "Listen here you jerk…"

Edward continued to ignore the angry face before him, "These apple tarts are really good. Let me help you. Here's my card."

Out of a platinum card holder, Edward placed an ivory business card into Bella's hand.

**Equinox Corporation**

**Edward A. Cullen  
>President<br>678-102-5968**

"Mr…" Bella glanced back to the card. "Cullen. What is this?"

"My business. We save little mom and pop shops like yours. Actually, bigger shops. Like corporations."

Bella rolled her eyes. "I don't pay for help. I do just fine."

"Just give me a chance to make this place shine. You'll be rolling in dough."

"I have plenty of dough in the back. Thanks anyway." She was getting annoyed. Again.

He pouted, "The dough part was a joke, because you're a baker."

"Got that. So was mine. Only my joke was much, much better." She poured herself more coffee.

Edward ignored her dismissal of his wonderful plans. "We need to revamp this whole place. It's tacky."

"I like my bakery!" She yelled. It was true; Bella loved its quirky décor. Mismatched tables and chairs from tag sale and stools from restaurant bankruptcy auctions were perfect for her shop with its brightly painted yellow walls. It fitted her topsy turvy outlook on the world perfectly.

"It needs updating. More chrome and recessed lighting," Edward said calmly. He felt it was best to talk to her like she was a child.

"You will not make this into a European disco!" She yelled at him flinging her coffee mug around to emphasize her displeasure.

"What are you talking about? Stop waving that coffee cup around before you get my suit wet!" He was already upset about the pastry crumbs on his shirt.

"You want tight tee shirts and pretentious logos!"

Edward would like to see her in a tight tee shirt. "That reminds me, your horrible name has got to go. I hate it."

"That's a play off my name. Swan. Like Hans Christen Anderson's THE UGLY DUCKLING."

"What's your first name?" He thought it might be nice to think of her something else as crazy girl or sexy kitten.

"Bella. But you don't need to know that, because I hate your face."

"Silly woman, you love it. All women do. But the bakery name has got to go. It's not cute, just dumb. Changed."

"I haven't hired you! Plus, I can't pay you. That should give you enough reason to leave." She pointed at the door.

"No problem. I'll take you on as a charity case." Then Edward was struck with a brilliant and completely self-serving idea. "You can pay me by delivering baked goods to my parents a few times a week. You'll start this Thanksgiving. We need about five pumpkin pies and… Let me get back to you on the rest."

Edward's mother was sweet, but a dreadful baker. The food poisoning incident of Christmas 1983 was a family legend.

"They live here?" Bella was scared.

"They just moved in, as have I. Hi there, neighbor." He put his hand out to shake hers noticing that she wasn't wearing any rings. Bella slapped it away. "To tell you the truth, it's my goal to make Forks the tourist destination of the area. Like a North Western Nantucket or Hamptons."

"Are you kidding me?" Bella said as the coffee she was holding splashed onto her shirt.

"You really should wash that out. It will stain." Edward's eyes were glued to her boobs. "We can make this place great, Bella Swan."

"It's perfectly fine!" She bellowed. "Are you evil?"

"An evil genius." Edward slapped money onto the counter and stood up. "I'll be seeing you very soon. Get ready for your tight tee shirt, Miss Swan.

Edward strolled out of the bakery, his day feeling quite a bit brighter. Bella looked at him as her future grew dim. She looked at the money on the counter…fifty dollars for a three dollars and fifty cent meal. She let out a scream.

Michael Sr. watched this soap opera from his table with wide eyes. "Bella, my dear some men don't know a thing about treating a lady. Can I get a refill?"


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: First, thank you so much for the reviews and alert requests for the first chapter! They really made me so happy and I can't wait to hear what you think of this one as well.**

**Next chapter will be Thanksgiving, so maybe by actual Christmas we will have a Christmas chapter. (Fingers crossed!) **

**Still not Beta'd but it will be someday. I just wanted to get it out to you all.**

**Finally...Disclaimer time: Stephenie Meyers owns the characters. I just made them like baked goods.**

Chapter 2: Cranberry Scones

One week went past since the obnoxious Edward Cullen had darkened Bella's bakery with his questionable ideas. Bella had hoped with every ounce of her being that he and that unruly hair would take the first left off a very high cliff. She was finished with imaging him in various states of undress and doing her laundry. Bella hated doing any sort of clothes washing and found it very logical to have fantasies of attractive men performing the task for her. While this was a perfectly nice fantasy with normal men, Edward Cullen was quite possibly a Jason Batemen. That wasn't correct, that was the guy from Arrested Development. Bella wondered then who was the character in that horrible American Psycho movie, because whoever Christian Bale was in that movie, it fit Cullen to a tee. Other than his good looks, his only other admirable quality had to be his taste for well baked pastries. Bella wondered if this was a common trait of psychopaths.

Charles Swan sat at the counter of his only daughter's bakery and watched her be oblivious to her surroundings. Charlie, as he was known around these parts, was used to these strange moments of Bella where she would stare into space and start chewing her lip and scrunching up her face like she was in pain. Usually, Bella was thinking something ridiculous and completely uninteresting to her dad. Her zoning out was bad for business and occasionally an issue of a customer calling 911, so Charlie in his infinite wisdom as Chief of Police decided to burst her bubble. "That Cullen family seems to be settlin' in nice."

"Cullen? You mean the jackass?" Bella jolted from her thoughts and looked at her father.

"What are you talking about, Isabella? They seem like a bunch of nice folks," Charles explained ignoring his child's sneer. Just like her mother, that one. You see, Charles Swan knew people just by looking at them and if he couldn't tell he would make sure he found out. It kept crime rates low and the day interesting. Being the head of the law enforcement of the sleepy town of Forks, everyone knew that Charlie was the town's worst gossip. He might swagger around town wearing his khaki uniform and Burt Reynold's mustache like he was above all the town happenings, but he wasn't happy if he wasn't in the thick of it. Charlie was one step ahead of the pink haired ladies that frequented Mimi Cope's Shear Magic Hair Spa when it came to spreading tales. Honestly, you have to have something to do when not harassing the local skate punks.

For that reason, Charlie rushed and almost fell flat on his face trying to get to his patrol car in order to spy…umm…welcome the new family to Forks. When he approached the large glass house he almost swallowed the tobacco he was chewing. Charlie couldn't quite figure why anyone would want to live in a place that anyone could see your business. (He was secretly pleased although, due to it making his investigation easier.) Damn, sometimes a man just wants to stick his hand down his pants and watch Sports Center without the neighbors judging. Of course, he suspected people living in the glass house were less likely to use the front of their pants as hand warmers. To each his own, was Charlie's philosophy, but that didn't mean he had to like it. Except to his astonishment, while not too keen on their choice of house, he was delighted with the Cullen clan.

That's why on this strangely sunny morning in his small town, Charles Swan's bottom was firmly seated on a stool and filling Bella and the always present Michael Newton Sr. on every single detail of his meeting with the Cullens. Between bites of freshly baked cinnamon muffins Charlie explained, "The mom, Es…Ester? That's not right? Esme? Do you ever wonder what happened to normal names like Mary?"

"No idea, Dad." She lifted up the coffee pot and motioned at him. "Refill?"

"Sure, Kid. Damn, this is a fine cup of Joe! Got any pumpkin spice creamer? As I was saying…What was I saying?"

"No clue. I was too busy to pretend to listen," Bella said with a shrug. This was a frequent occurrence in Bella and Charlie conversations. Charlie's gossip tangents had a tendency to fill up a day and in order to accomplish her tasks; Bella had the tendency to tune him out. He would start a conversation about the neighbors and she would immediately start a mental grocery list.

Charlie snorted, "Smart ass. Anyway, I sat in their very large kitchen. You would have liked all the fancy gadgets in there, Bells. Then she brought out a large plate of cookies. Nice lady, but those things tasted like soggy cardboard mixed with paint varnish."

"The only reason you are saying that is that I've spoiled you, Old Man." Bella winked at her dad.

"No, they were really that bad. I don't think she gave them a taste test first, because they were a step away from hazardous materials."

Bella's eyes widened in a mix of fear and embarrassment at what her father could have done. She remembered a time that Mrs. Handleson was almost arrested after Charlie tasted her blueberry crumble. He had suspected she was trying to kill her husband. The only thing she had been guilty of was being a horrible cook. Bella exclaimed, "Please tell me you didn't gag on them!"

"I can control myself, daughter of mine. I spit it out into a napkin and stuck it into my pocket." Charlie quickly reached into him pocket and pulled out a crumbled linen napkin. He grimaced depositing it next to his plate.

"Is that the same napkin?" Bella gasped. "You do realize that not only is that gross, but you in fact stole someone's napkin. The Chief of Police, which would be you, stole somebody's napkin. I should make a citizen's arrest right now, you crook."

Charlie looked confused for a moment, but his face quickly morphed into a grin. "No wonder it felt so nice on my face. I'm glad I didn't toss it in the trash. Wash for me and I can slip it back into their house when I go over to watch the game."

"Wait…you are willingly going to someone's house that you haven't known since your birth in the Stone Age? Are these people body snatchers?" Bella grabbed a muffin out of the case and bit down.

"Good people, kid. The dad is the new head of surgery at the hospital," Charlie said with a pleased grin. His only daughter, while smart as a whip was most definitely the most accident prone woman on the planet. An accomplished doctor who could do more than take a temperature was sorely needed for Bella's well-being. The time she tripped over a dog and impaled her leg on steel post meant a trip to Seattle after the emergency doctor at Fork's General passed out after seeing the blood. Carlisle Cullen was a definite improvement.

Charlie continued to sing the Cullen's praises, "Dr. Cullen is pouring money into the place. We are finally getting a MRI machine! I don't know what one of those gadgets actually does, but it has to be better than the usual Band-Aids they dole out over there. Essie…or is Emmie…she decorates or some such nonsense. This is Forks, so unless she's knitting covers for toilet paper rolls, there isn't much work around here. She's plenty sweet though."

"What about jack ass?" Bella knew her father would hate the sight of the jerk.

"The who?" Charlie asked.

"The son, I am referring to, who wants to bulldoze the town and destroy all its charm! Dad, he wants to gentrify the whole area!" Bella slapped her hand on the counter to emphasize her point making poor Mike Sr.'s coffee spill onto his argyle sweater.

Mike Sr. chimed in, "He wasn't a nice young man, Chief. He made Bella all red faced and sweaty."

"No he didn't!" Bella yelled.

"I am still trying to figure out what Bella is rattling off about. Gent..tree..fly?" Charlie took another swig of coffee wishing it was of the Irish variety.

"Make the town fancy, Dad."

"I didn't meet that one, just the other two." Charlie shrugged at his fuming child.

"There's two more! You have got to be kidding me." Bella started pacing behind the counter and tugging at her ear. Charlie just stared at her. He was beginning to be concerned about her antisocial tendencies. This was how crazy mountain people were made.

"Bell, they seem like nice kids. They are around your age. The boy is big! He should be playing linebacker and the girl is a firecracker."

Bella didn't care how nice they seemed. Those two were related to Cullen, so they were questionable in her book. Luckily the conversation was put on hold when the bell chimed and a sultry voice rang out, "Hey whore!"

Bella grinned at the statuesque blond who strolled into the room as she started opening up a pile of bills. Charlie quickly chastised the woman, "Deputy, is that anyway to address a citizen you are sworn to protect?"

"Oh no, Sir! I…was…I …just…," Rosalie Hale stuttered. The Chief was the only man the Amazonian had ever been intimated by. "I was just stopping by to bring breakfast into the boys at the station."

"I was just giving you a hard time, Deputy." Charlie gave the young woman a smile. Rosalie was not only his best officer, but she was like a second daughter to him. Finally, he had a respectful and obedient second daughter, unlike the snarky fruit of his loins. "Carry on with your conversation, ladies."

Bella glanced up from her bank statement and its meager balance and said, "What up, Bitch?"

"Nice to see the love, girls. It gives an old man a warm feeling. Have a seat, Rosie. Join us for breakfast."

"Does that warm feeling mean that I need to run to Malloy's Market and grab you a box Depends?" Bella asked her father while giving him a goofy grin.

Before Charlie could try to one up his snarly offspring, Rosalie reprimanded her friend, "Don't give the Chief a hard time."

"You, Hale are no fun! No chocolate croissant for you today. You are officially cut off!" Bella tossed a plate holding a plain croissant in front of Rosalie's sad face.

"You wound me!"

Bella laughed, "Indeed I do! If I don't then how will you ever learn?"

Truth be told, Bella would slip a chocolate confection to her friend sooner than later. Ever since Rosalie, that golden hair pinup met the willowy brunette they were thick as thieves. In a town full of big haired beauty queen wannabes, a female cop who loved fixing cars was a natural companion for a caustic baker who was usually covered in flour.

"You and your twisted games, Swan." Rosalie smiled at Bella, holding her plate out for the more appropriate croissant.

"You had me at 'twisted'." Bella switched Rosalie's breakfast to the chocolate variety.

"Sorry to interrupt the love fest, but what was that call on the radio this morning?" Charlie inquired.

Rosalie smirked, "Cat up a tree. Then good old Jacob got stuck up there too."

"Idiot," Charlie muttered. If Jacob Black wasn't his best friend, Billy's boy, he would have never given that doofus a job. They spent most of their days rescuing Deputy Black from the messes he got himself into. Usually these messes involved the deputy being caught with other men's wives. Charlie was going to be forced to put him on desk duty again and the real punishment would be for Charlie. He would have to be the one to sit and listen to Jacob's nonsense.

"Talking about idiots," Rosalie began with a frown. "My brother will be back in town tomorrow."

Charlie groaned, as Bella asked, "Jasper is coming back here? I thought he was DJing in Europe?"

"He was, but now he's being deported. It seems Prague has some issues with him."

"What did he do this time?" Charlie was not that punk's biggest fan.

"He was splashing in a fountain," Rosalie said.

Bella was surprised. "Of all of the stuff your brother has done, that is what they kick him out for?"

"Well he was also naked and sucking a pacifier," Rosalie said slowly. "Of course, he was also high on some rare mushroom."

"Oh." Bella decided that made a lot more sense.

"His ass should be some weird jail, but daddy dearest bailed him out and got him sent back here." Rosalie was not close to her parents. They wanted a debutante, but instead they got a tomboy who refused their money and demands. Instead, the Hales pampered Jasper to point of insanity for his devotion. Not surprisingly, he turned out to be a disappointment as well. A disappointment who wanted the one thing he couldn't have. "He can't wait to see you Bella."

"Oh, come on! He's still on that?" Bella shook her head. Jasper Hale had a stalking problem. A stalking Bella problem.

"I'll kill him!" Charlie growled.

"Don't worry, Dad. I'll have Pete whip up some brownies in the back for him."

Rosalie laughed, "The fake pot brownies! I love when he eats those! It's hilarious!"

Bella and Rose had discovered that Jasper was gullible to the point of lunacy. To get him away from her shop a few years earlier, Bella claimed to have baked brownies laced with pot. Jasper being clueless, fell for it. At first he just acted high or drunk, Bella wasn't sure, but it progressed when had eaten so many that he had passed out in the corner of the bakery. Bella quickly called her dad and Jasper was booked to sleep his sugar high off in jail several days. Sometimes a plan works too perfectly and it was sad she didn't have one for Edward Cullen. A plan, preferably, where he starts out being naked and then finishes with his fine backside heading out of Bella's town.

Charlie frowned at the girls and their silly plans. The last thing he needed was that weird kid following Bella around again. It was bad enough when Jasper went through his tortured artist phase and stole all of Bella's bras creating a masterpiece with his blood in front of City Hall. That boy was going to end up in the mental hospital if Charles Swan had anything to do with it.

Then a concern came to Charlie and he asked a question of great importance, "Rosie, does the boy have a job to keep him busy?"

"That's the problem. My parents are opening up a club for him to play that weird music he likes," Rosalie quickly said. She wished she could arrest her parents for being useless idiots, but unfortunately there were no laws on the books for that.

Charlie face morphed into red, then purple. It twisted into a face of pure, psychotic rage. They were putting a dance club in his quiet, little town? Forks already had two bars he had to keep track of. It was a whole different situation when you brought in an establishment with sex, drugs and that rap or techno stuff. What ever happened to good old honky tonk? Charlie was about to let out a scream, until he heard a twinkling voice that made him smile. "Hello. Is there a Bella Swan here? Oh my goodness! Chief Swan is that you? It's wonderful to see you again!"

Bella's mouth dropped open when she saw a tiny woman flitter into the bakery. Wearing what could only be described as a fuzzy, brown coat with a hood that had bear ears on it. She also wore a plaid kilt, paisley tights and chunky black boots. There was so much going on with that outfit that it was making poor Bella's head spin. She didn't know much about fashion, but that was definitely not considered normal. When the girl removed her hood, Bella was not surprised to see black hair sticking up all over head. She probably cut it herself. There was possibly something wrong with her.

Rosalie, on the other hand, was too busy observing her boss. Charlie Swan's face had a sweet blush upon it and a smile was placed firmly on his face. This girl had to be younger than Bella and herself. It was kind of gross to see her hard nose boss get flustered over this bizarre child woman. Rose had decided that this girl must be into voodoo and had cast a spell on the Chief. She decided to keep an eye on this one.

Charlie was just tickled pink to see the young lady. Not that he actually had a crush on the little one; it was more that he found her to be a ray of pure sunshine. She would be a wonderful friend for Bella and Rosie. Maybe, having a friend that enjoyed life and perhaps help the other two embrace their feminine side would be the best thing for everybody. To tell the truth, Charlie was getting a little tired of telling everyone that the two girls weren't lesbians. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but the women at Forks Congregational Church, had started planning an unnecessary commitment ceremony/wedding for them. It was taking all he had to get those old ladies to stop planning the flower arrangements.

"Well if it isn't the charming Alice Cullen. Sit yourself down, pretty lady and let an old man treat you to some breakfast! Bella, get Miss Alice anything she want!" Charlie exclaimed, while ignoring his daughter's scowl.

"Cullen?" Bella sneered. She had a bad feeling that Edward was behind this. A very bad feeling.

The pipsqueak trilled, "Oh yes! No breakfast for me, unless it's on my break! Edward sent me here to start work! Yay!"

Alice Cullen was very excited to do actual work. She always wanted to get her hands dirty and make an actual paycheck. Of course, she would still need funds from her parents and Edward was giving her more money to work here. It wasn't actually possible to have so much style and make minimum wage, but at least she wouldn't feel as guilty about her spending sprees. Plus, she was going to make friends and wasn't that the best part of all.

"Not hiring. I have plenty of employees," Bella announced. Pete and Liam were baking in the back. They were very competent bakers that she had trained herself. They followed her recipes to the letter and were good guys. Plus they kept their relationship out of the bakery, so Bella had no worries. She pointed to a stool. "Sit and have some breakfast. My dad's paying."

Alice sat down and Bella placed a cranberry scone in front of the girl. "Edward said…"

"I will deal with you brother. Eat!" Bella looked over to Rose. "What did I tell you? He is truly an evil man."

Rose nodded. "I could arrest him for littering."

"Oh gee! Edward would never litter! He's very neat and tidy!" Alice exclaimed. She was always exclaiming things. It was in her excitable nature.

"Eat!" Bella and Rosalie yelled in unison.

Charlie tried to get a word in, "Bells, you could really use some help out front. That will give you more time to bake and create more good stuff…"

"Eat!" Bella and Rosalie yelled again. The girls were looking in each other eyes, making a silent plan. Charlie always found that creepy, so he crammed some food in his mouth as a distraction.

Alice decided that it was in her best interest to try the food before her. Learn what was on the menu. Edward had said it was good; he couldn't stop talking about it or Bella. One bite and it was all it took for Alice to fall in love with the pastry and Bella. She could understand her brother's new obsession! It was like a symphony of taste on her tongue and at that moment, Alice knew Bella was to become her new sister.

"Can you cook other things?" Alice asked between bites and moans.

Bella broke off her mind meld with Rose to answer, "I went to culinary school."

That was all it took for Alice to decide that Edward would be marrying Bella, if she had to drug Bella and take her to Vegas herself. Alice could already tell her brother was smitten in with her in his twisted way, so that was the easy part. Bella would be a wonderful addition to the family. She was a woman that knew her way around the kitchen. No more food poisoning! No more projectile vomiting! No more of her mother crying and begging for forgiveness after sending the whole family to the hospital! Alice was sure that she wasn't being selfish and that Bella would be a true member of the family, not just a glorified cook. At least as long as her brother could keep Bella satisfied in the bedroom. On second thought, Alice didn't want to think about that!

"Bella, please, please, please let me be a part of your world! I am so hungr…grr…wanting to stretch my wings and learn how to cook. You could have me work out front and I can decorate! It really needs help. Please, please, please!" Alice begged.

Bella was about to slap the annoying gnat, but Alice was saved by the phone ringing. Bella quickly grabbed the phone. "Ugly Duckling Bakery. This is Bella. How can I help you?"

A man asked, "Is she there?"

"Black, Rose is almost done. She'll be there when she gets there. Just do what you always do and try to sneak watching porn on Department's computer. You know my dad knows, right? Talking about my dad, he's here. You want to chat with him?"

"Who's Black? Why is he watching porn?" The man inquired sounding annoyed.

Bella cringed, "This isn't Jacob, is it?"

"No. This is Edward. Edward Cullen. Has my sister started working, yet?" Edward wondered if Bella had a relationship with this Jacob Black. He also wondered what she was wearing. He did have a feeling his fantasy of red lace was far better than the reality. Knowing Miss Swan, she was probably wearing a grungy sweatshirt. "Also didn't we discuss a name change?"

Bella sneered, "I refuse to change the name, Red."

"Red?" He was getting tired of her mocking his hair.

"Carrot top?"

"Stop it! Is my sister there?"

"Sure is, Ginger. Want to come pick her up? Her chatter is scaring the customers." Bella wanted to laugh thinking about how red his face was getting at this point. She bet it matched his hair.

Edward noticed a spot of jelly on his sleeve from the inferior supermarket bagel he was eating at his desk. He was positive Bella's were delicious. He started to stare at the jelly and then thought of Bella covered in it. Then he started to panic about jelly stains. "Just make her work. Oh we need to discuss ingredients."

"She will not be working here…hey what's wrong with my ingredients?" She yelled into the phone.

Edward's ears felt like they were bleeding. "Let's talk organics."

"I use organic ingredients when I can get them. I always use organic fruits and vegetables. This is Forks so the selection is small, but I do order some from Port Angeles."

"Everything needs to be organic. It gets in higher clientele and we can raise prices."

"Are you on crack?" Bella questioned. What was wrong with this snob?

Charlie decided to listen in at that moment. "Who's on crack? Jasper? I'll arrest his ass right…"

"No, Dad. Nobody is on crack. Just drink your coffee." Bella noticed Mike Sr. leaving the bathroom after his fourth coffee. She turned her body towards Alice and an idea to make Edward miserable sprung into her head. "I won't be raising my prices. But…do you want your sister to work here?"

"Yes." Edward was confused how sweet her voice turned. He shouldn't trust it, but he was turned on by it.

"Alice, would you really, truly like to work here?" Bella asked sweetly. Rosalie sat up straight in her seat and started grinning. This was Bella at her finest.

Alice started bouncing in her seat. "Oh yes! Can I redecorate the front window? Who cut those horrible pumpkins? They look like shrunken heads!"

" Focus. Alice. I need you to head into the bathroom…" Bella began, her face getting bigger. Edward was listening in and feeling worried.

"I can pick out a new paint color in there?" Alice asked excitedly. This place could have potential if it was pretty.

"I need you to go in and grab the bucket and cleaning supplies under the sink and scrub the toilet." Bella's smile grew the size of the sun, as she watched Alice went into shock. Bella gave Alice's shoulder a squeeze and whispered loudly enough for Edward to hear, "Mr. Newton is the sweetest man, but he really stinks up the bathroom after drinking coffee."

Edward prepared for the scream to come forth from his sister, but was more frightened when he heard Alice calmly ask, "May I speak to my brother?"

"He would love to speak to you, Alice. Good bye, Edward." Bella said brightly. Edward heard another female voice laughing loudly in the background.

"Ali, listen…" Edward begged.

"You owe me." His sister said with venom. Edward knew to be afraid. Very afraid.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: A dear friend said that this Bella and Edward remind her of Barney and Lily from How I Met Your Mother. That made my day.**

**Mistakes are mine and will be fixed after the holidays. Thanks for your patience with the mistakes.**

**A big thanks to a review from kembie, who pointed out I called Tim Horton's by the wrong name. Oops! So I made it into a part of the chapter. You'll see. Thank you,kembie!**

**I hope to get a Christmas chapter out before Christmas. We'll see. I have baking and wrapping to do, not to mention getting the little ones ready for Santa.**

**Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the reviews and story follows. You know what would make a terrific Christmas present? A review! (It also makes me write faster.)**

**Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own these characters. I wish I did, because the money would be lovely this time of year.**

Chapter 3: Pumpkin Pie

Bella and Rosalie stood awkwardly at the front door of a glass monstrosity. It was early, too damn early, to be standing outside of The Cullen's den of extravagance with arms loaded with baked goods. The girls had agreed that this was the last possible place that they wanted to be. It was bad enough that Charlie was forcing them to be partaking in a holiday meal with the new family in town, but thanks to that little pipsqueak Alice they were standing outside in the dark.

Alice had called Bella in a tizzy in the middle of the night begging for assistance. The call went a little something like this:

_"Alice here. Mother fired the caterers! Not a big deal, except that I need you to cook Thanksgiving dinner! You cook for fun, so it will be easy and brilliant! Bonus will be that nobody has to die! Oh bring Rose; we need all hands on deck! This will be so much fun cooking together! Toodles!"_

"I hate 6 A.M. Nothing good ever happens at this time of day, do you realize that?" Rosalie questioned with a sneer.

Bella who is often baking at this time retorted, "This is my one day to sleep in, woman! I have been up at two every morning filling orders. You should be used to protecting people at this time of day."

"That's different. That is protecting the good citizens of Forks. This is being dressed up at the crack of dawn to help that crazy girl." Rosalie was not Alice's biggest fan. "Not to mention this thong is highly uncomfortable."

"Why the hell are you wearing a thong?" Bella looked at her friend clearly for the first time. The tight red dress left little to anyone's imagination and Bella wondered who Rose was attempting to impress.

"No lines, Bella, no lines." Rose wiped the sleep from her eyes and looked closely at her best friend. The black dress that Bella wore was from tenth grade and was too short and too tight, due to the growth spurt that made her finally develop breasts their junior year. Rose wondered if Bella knew the unwanted attention she would be getting.

"Well if you want dental floss up your butt…" Bella began as the door swung open to the manically smiling face of a woman in an apron decorated in pictures of dancing chef pigs.

"Hello ladies! My sweet Edward told me you would be bringing some delectable treats for our celebration of feasting in the new land. Well thank you and I can't wait to see you back here promptly at two for cocktails!" The bronzed haired woman attempted to grab some rolls, while shutting the door in Bella and Rose's faces.

Alice small body pushed the woman out of the way. "Mommy, Bella and Rose are here to help! You head right upstairs and see if Daddy is still resting comfortably. We have everything under control."

"But sweetheart…" The woman began. Alice started pushing her mother, Esme Cullen towards the stairs. Alice was determined to have at least one holiday without spending the night coveting the porcelain god.

A large dark haired man then spoke up from where he was leaning against the wall. "What a lucky playa I am to see two hot chicks in my crib. Did I hear that somebody needs some help with dental floss?"

Rosalie was about to hurt the man before her until he flashed his megawatt dimples at her. She promptly melted her icy demeanor and was trying desperately to find ways to make him her man. Bella wanted to beat him senseless with a baguette and was disturbed by the vapid smile that Rose was beaming at the idiot.

"I'm Officer Rosalie Hale." Rose put out her hand hoping with every ounce of her being that he would kiss her hand.

Emmett gave her a fist pump and said with an eyebrow waggle, "I do like a woman who can handle the big guns."

He was a guy who lived life large and was very impressed with the supermodel in the red dress. Emmett also instantly liked the cranky brunette, but would have preferred a smile instead of that weird squinty eye look she was giving him. The idea of him sandwiched between the girls, in his bed, while he ate an Italian sub filled him with glee. The angry look on his brother's face when seeing Emmett with Baker Girl would make it even sweeter.

Bella, on the other hand, was surprised that there was a Cullen that made Edward seem like the catch in a family of crazies. His leers were making her sick to her stomach and she need to find a way to remove him from her sight.

"There are more pies in my car. Get them and take them in the kitchen," Bella demanded and pointed to the door.

"I'll take Bella and Rose to the kitchen, Em. Don't you dare try to taste the pies!" Alice exclaimed.

Emmett did like the sound of the girls' names. "Beautiful names for beautiful woman. I likey."

"Does he ever shut up?" Bella inquired.

Alice started petting Bella's head and sadly answered, "No."

Bella pushed off Alice's hand. "Boundaries, Alice, no touching. We talked about this at work."

"But it's not at work!" Alice liked to touch people. It made being near her uncomfortable for Bella and many of the Bakery's patrons.

Rose finally came out of her Emmett stupor. "You need to show us the kitchen, Alice."

Alice led her culinary saviors into a mess of epic proportions. Flour covered every visible surface; sweet potatoes were half peeled on the counter, while cranberries were rolling all over the floor. To make matters worse, a very frozen turkey sat in the sink.

"Was there an earthquake that I didn't know about?" Bella asked when the shock wore off.

"No, Bella, Mommy was cooking." Alice shrugged, she had seen worse.

Bella went into to rescue mode. "First we need to clean this mess. Next get a fresh turkey, since this one will never get defrosted in time."

"We need two turkeys. There's another one in the freezer."

"Of course," Bella mumbled. Then she remembered her dear friends, Sam and Emily's farm that was nearby. "Rose put a call into Sam and hopefully he has some extra turkeys in their fridge. If he doesn't, see if he can kill a couple for us and drop them off. He should be up getting ready with the turkey deliveries."

As Rose began to dial, Alice screamed, "He can't kill them!"

"Where the hell do you think the Thanksgiving turkey you eat comes from, Alice? That they dance out of a magical land of headless turkey torsos?" Rose asked.

"No…I… it is just saddest!" Alice cried out, flapping her arms in distress.

Bella smirked and tossed a dish rag at Alice, "When I'm finished with those birds it will become the epitome of deliciousness and your sadness will melt away. Suck it up, Cullen and get scrubbing."

XXXXXXX

Sam was nothing if not prompt when delivering up the finest heirloom turkeys found in Washington State. As Bella started prepping those perfect birds, she had all the women, including Esme working on different aspects of the meal.

Esme sat at a stool near a counter smiling with joy as she smashed hot cranberries for cranberry sauce. She was impressed about how helpful and informative that sweet, Swan girl was. Instead of trying to force her out of the kitchen like Alice, Bella took the time to teach her the proper way to make the dish. At that moment, any jealousy Esme may have harbored at the baker dissipated, instead she felt an extreme wish to add her new cooking instructor to the family fold. It didn't matter which of Esme's sons Bella was to marry, as long as it was with one of them.

Bella, at that moment, was happy that she found a job that Esme wouldn't mess up. The bad vibes going between Alice and her mother were ruining Bella's cooking mojo and she couldn't have that ruining the taste of her culinary genius. She wiped her hands on the hideous ruffled apron that Alice crammed her into and started prepping sweet potato tarts for an appetizer. Her body was filled with the pure joy of cooking that was ruined when a screechy voice filled the room, "Gawd Eddie, I need my coffee! All this banging down here ruined my beauty sleep! Have the help fix me a cup."

In walked a curly haired blonde wearing nothing but a fur lined robe that only made it past her bottom. She could be considered pretty if not for her horrible disposition, but Tanya Denali wasn't known to a nice person. Tanya took in her surroundings with a sneer and pointed to Bella, "Girl, get me a coffee. Two Splendas and no fat milk."

Alice chimed in, "Get your own, Tramp."

Esme tsked at her daughter, but tried unsuccessfully to smother a smile. Both Cullen women were ready to strangle that piece of trash that Edward dragged in last night.

Bella and Rose were in shock that was multiplied when a shirtless Edward strolled in behind the tramp wearing only low hung plaid pajama pants. Rose whispered, "Is that the douche?"

"Yep," Bella squeaked. All that flittered through Bella's officially warped mind was the shirtless male in front of her. That and images of eating her Thanksgiving dinner off of those firm abs.

"You are in so much trouble, Bitch," Rose laughed quietly.

Edward mouth dropped open when he noticed a very flustered, but very cute Bella staring at him. He was hoping that he would see her much later and he could use Tanya to make her jealous. An appropriate type of jealous, the kind where he would flirt openly with both of them and let the best woman win the prize. He knew without a doubt he was quite the prize. Not an angry jealous that radiated off Bella right now, the type where Bella assumed he and Tanya were doing dirty things. He had thought about doing those types of things with Tanya last night, but thoughts of the pretty Bella hampered his performance and made him extremely frustrated. Of course, a nice cat fight would be an outstanding way to start the holiday season. Edward would enjoy it and Emmett too, if he would get his fat ass off the couch. Damn that idiot was obsessed with Macy's parade and those stupid balloons.

Alice, to be perfectly honest about the situation, was enraged. It was bad enough that with Edward's inflated sense of self, he was destroying any chance of true happiness and enjoyable eating experiences. He then had to make everything worse by inviting that evil debutante to their home. Alice couldn't believe that woman had the nerve to be parading around someone else's kitchen wearing only a see through robe with the fur of fuzzy bunnies on it. Not to mention the full drag queen makeup she was sporting. It made poor Alice feel ill.

Bella had had enough bodies in the kitchen without Edward and his mouthy mannequin taking up precious work space. "Take your java and get the hell out. You get out too, frat boy."

"How dare you speak to me that way, Maid. You should fire her, Esme!" Tanya screeched. She could have been in Aspen; instead she was getting the cold shoulder from Edward. There had to be a better was to get into his bank account than this.

"It's Mrs. Cullen to you, Harpy!" Alice screeched just as loud. This made Esme smile and Rose wince at the high pitched call. Rose thought that Alice sounded like a wounded howler monkey. "Bella is part of this family."

Bella shook her head furiously in the negative. "Oh no, I'm not! Hired help is a perfect description. Let's stick with that shall we?"

"Darling, you are one of us now. Now maybe I can add some spice to the cranberry sauce! Cayenne pepper…" Esme began.

Bella ran and grabbed the cranberry sauce from Esme's hands. She was beginning to see why the Cullen family was in fear of their matriarch's cooking. "No, no, no… This is perfect. I'll just stick it in the fridge. How about peeling some carrots for me."

"I'll take that for you, Bella." Edward grabbed the cranberry sauce out of Bella's hands. "It's Tim Horton's, you know."

"What are you jabbering about, Howdy Doody?"

"When we met, you called it Tom Horton's," Edward answered trying to flex his pecs in front of his flighty obsession.

"Who's Tom Horton? Are you trying to ruin his business, too?" Bella asked. She was getting very distracted by the closeness of his upper torso nakedness and the way those pajama pants hung so very low…she had way too much things left to be done before appetizers were to be put out to start daydreaming about Edward "Man Whore" Cullen.

Edward flashed his signature panty dropping smile. "One of our first conversations was about you sending me to Tim Horton's coffee shop."

"Why do I care what some coffee shop is called? They serve coffee like Dunkin Donuts and serve some mass produced breakfast foods. They are all the same to me." Bella started slamming pots on to countertops, splashing some mashed sweet potatoes onto that slutty Tanya.

"Hey!" Tanya yelled. Her face turned into a mottled shade of ruby, as she propelled herself at Bella. "This is a designer original! You owe me a thousand dollars!"

Bella pushed lightly on Tanya's chest. She didn't want to catch any diseases that thing was carrying. "Listen up; I said to get out of my way. I will reimburse you the dollar fifty you would get at the Salvation Army for that ugly thing. You seriously think people want to see that? Are you in it, for that matter?"

Alice started cackling, while Rosalie just beamed at her friend's gusto. Esme wanted to hold a grand wedding for the sassy, little lady and Edward that very day. She did think that Bella might get offended about making her own wedding cake and, of course, being forced into an arranged marriage. Esme decided the best course of action was to inquire Charlie's thoughts about the subject.

"Clean up with this and get dressed," Edward said to Tanya, throwing a paper towel in her general direction. He didn't even give her a second glance, as he put all his attention at the angry brunette in front of him. He loved fiery and smart women, even though he never dated them. Dumb and shallow were so much easier to deal with. "Don't you remember our discussion? I just thought it would be prudent to get our competitor's name correctly."

"Whoa there, Howdy! My competitor and not our competitor! This is not a joint business." She wanted to beat his head in with a frying pan. "Not to mention, I run a full service bakery. Not some coffee drive through place that force feed people subpar donuts! Are you trying to offend me?"

"I wasn't trying to offend our shop!" Edward ignored how Bella was starting to wave around a sauté pan in his direction. What was wrong with this woman? Didn't the ladies like it when men remember first meetings with a funny story? "I was just trying to make a connection! And stop calling me Howdy!"

"Baby, help me get dressed in something more comfortable," Tanya purred at Edward. It made the whole room cringe at the visual, Edward included.

"Get yourself dressed, Tanya. You are making my ears bleed," Edward waved a dismissive hand at her.

Bella had enough just about enough of that jerk, Edward. "That was rude, Edward Cullen."

"Thanks for that, Maid. I was about to say…" Tanya began.

"Shut up and please put on a sweater. It's November for goodness sakes! Everybody is tired of seeing your lopsided boobies." Bella waved another dismissive hand at the woman making her stomp out. Bella then turned her attention to Edward. "I'll be calling you Howdy Doody all day. That is now your official Turkey Day name. Learn it and love it. Rose, my dearest friend, pour me a huge mug o'wine."

Rosalie laughed, "Coming up, Boss lady!"

"Isabella, it's only 10:30 A.M. and you need to cook the rest of dinner!" Edward started to hyperventilate. His mother made the worst of her kitchen disasters when hitting the bottle and dealing with ingredients.

"Howdy, let me let you in on a secret. I went to culinary school. Drinking and cooking go hand in hand. Have you ever read an Anthony Bourdain's books? Go put on a shirt and let an expert shine."

XXXXXXXXX

For Carlisle Cullen it was hard to imagine that a day could get worse, but as most holidays in the Cullen household it did in epic proportions. The food itself was magnificent, which was a win compared to the Fourth of July rancid potato salad debacle. Thank the heavens he was a physician. Unfortunately, when creating the guest list for the occasion Esme should have done her research. Esme's intentions were the best possible ones in order to make her guests happy, but as Carlisle sat and watched various individuals start yelling across tables he was concerned that some delectable turkey would be thrown across the table. It would be major disappointment to the extremely hungry doctor who was planning to eat his weight in Bella's food.

Carlisle loved his wife to distraction, but when hospital food was a vast improvement over his wife's dinners, it put a slight damper on marriage bliss. If he wasn't in love with his wife and was a couple of years younger, the good doctor would be giving his son a run for his money with the lovely and talented Miss Swan. Of course, Carlisle was still coveted by the female nursing staff, so he would definitely have as shot with the young lady who could bake him bread! Carlisle got out of his musings, as one of Bella's rolls whizzed by his head to hit Emmett in the face, he remember that he loved his wife whose rolls were like mini bricks.

"If your foot touches mine one more time, I will choke you with this turkey leg!" Rosalie screamed at Emmett. She was still infatuated with him, but now that her dreaded parents and loser brother were sitting at the table near her she tried to stifle any warm feelings for him. Of course, Candy and Chip Whitlock-Hale loved Emmett. They loved his trust fund. This wouldn't work for Rosalie at all. She knew Esme Cullen had the best intentions, but holidays were for Rosalie to pretend her parents were lost at sea and not sitting at the same table while they criticize the dress that she bought at Old Navy.

Bella did not even react to Rosalie's meltdown. She was in her own private hell. Jasper, wearing the most hideous of white boy dreads in his blond hair, had moved on from techno to gangster rap. He sat on one side of her rubbing her knee whispering, "I made you a mix CD of the phat beats I created for you, my vanilla princess. I took some JZ and Akon, and then mixed up some smooth Danger Mouse on top. Then I rapped an ode to your fine, little booty."

She took a large gulp of wine, then felt another hand grip her other knee and started rubbing up her leg. Edward started to purr in her ear, "I think we can increase our profit margin if we can market to some upscale community events. It will be glorious!"

Bella gulped another large mouthful of the red liquid, as she realized this was Edward's idea of foreplay. Then she noticed her father lean into Sue Clearwater, kissing her with tongue. Bella gagged at the elderly duo lip locking. Is this why Esme invited the Clearwaters? Bella didn't know that her father was dating. This was disturbing and as she looked over to a scowling Leah Clearwater and her weirdly twitchy brother, Seth an even worse thought came to her. She could become those two weirdoes' sibling.

The horror of this was bad, but Bella had to look over to see Alice making out with Jacob Black. Poor Billy Black was trying to stab his son in the hand with a fork to get him to stop his mouth attack on the tiny girl. Bella might find Alice intense at many moments, but she was way too fond of her to have Alice be sucked in by dirty Jacob. Unfortunately, that skanky Tanya had fled in a taxi after Edward's dismissal of her. Tanya would have been perfect to sic on that mangy Jacob. Bella needed to cause a distraction. Suddenly, both men's' hands were removed from her legs. Bella was thrilled for the escape, until she looked down and saw Edward and Jasper hands were clasped together.

"You boys want me to switch seats so you love birds can be closer together?" Bella inquired loudly.

The whole room went silent. Edward looked at Bella with a confused expression. He had been very excited that she finally had let him makes his move. "What do you mean?"

"What are you talking about, my fine honey?" Jasper asked. He was excited that he would finally get her to ride on the "Big Papa".

Bella pointed down to their clasped hands and both men yelped and pulled their hands away from each other. They both could have sworn they were caressing a woman's hand.

"I thought it was your hand, Bella! It was so smooth!" Edward cried out.

Jasper was pleased with the compliment. "Thank you. It's French. I got it from the salon."

"You really need to get the name for me. It does a great job," Edward continued with his praise of the hand cream.

Bella's head was spinning, but at least Alice and Jacob came up for air. "I need to check on dessert."

As Bella rose from her seat, Rosalie came up with the perfect idea to drive her parents insane. Bella would hate it, but Rosalie determined that if it kept Edward away from Bella and her bakery it would be okay to Bella in a couple of days. Of course, Rosalie would have be better thinking this out instead of doing this idea with no prior planning. Rosalie stood with her friend and announced, "Bella and I want you all to be the first to know of our upcoming nuptials."

"Rose? What are you talking about?" Bella asked her eyes wide. She saw Rosalie look at her with a pleading look to let the deception to continue.

Rosalie gave a weak smile to the table. "A…umm… Love… Ugh…like ours…umm… knows no bounds."

The Whitlock-Hales started yelling at their daughter about the family name. Then Jasper threw a napkin at his sister and screamed, "You knew I wanted Bella, Rosalie! Why do you get to have her?"

"Rosalie Hale, I just met you and I know this might be too soon…" Emmett began getting on one knee in front of Rosalie. "Just let me make sweet, monkey love to you for one night. I promise you after that night, that once you go the big Em, you and I will be doing it all day and night long forever."

Bella looked at Charlie who was cackling like a hyena and said to him, "We aren't really together, unlike you and Mrs. Clearwater, Daddy Dear."

"Right well. I just wanted the time to…" Charlie started to say solemnly, but then quickly flashed a smile. "Well if Rosie talks you into the big walk down the aisle, make sure you wear the dress. I think our Rose will look quite fetching in her dress uniform."

"Shut it, Old Timer. I need to get the pies." Bella quickly retreated from the yelling and went into the kitchen.

She had just pulled grabbed to pumpkin pies when a smooth voice behind her said, "A lesbian, huh? I should have guessed with your fierce independence and manly tee-shirt collection."

Bella placed the pies back on the counter and turned to face a grinning Edward. "Sometimes a love like I have with Rose is so intense it blinds all around us. The crazy reaction out there is just a joy so strong it looks like anger."

"Sure, the 'intense love' is just radiating off your pretty face." Edward couldn't stop himself from moving closer and placing his hands on her hips. Even though Bella's blush was due to annoyance, it drew him like nothing else. "We both know that Rosalie Hale is trying to rile up her parents and you only love her like a sister."

"You can't possibly say…"Bella started to say as she tried to push away from him. Edward decided that this was the best possible moment to take control of the situation. He forced his lips onto hers and it was as if fireworks had gone off in both of their brains. All of a sudden her legs were wrapped around his waist, his hips were grinding into her pelvis and their lips were crashing into each other in a frenzied pace. The pies were knocked off the counter top and onto the floor with a crash. It was amazing, crazy and...Edward ruined the moment.

"This is going to be a beautiful pleasure and business relationship, pretty lady." Edward said as they broke off to take a breath. "We can have a 60-40 divide in ownership. I will be the sixty."

"Wait a damn minute you are talking business right now! I never agreed to you having anything to do with my business!" Bella cried, pushing off Edward. "Forty percent is insulting!"

"Baby, I gave you a great deal. That Molina at the music store only got twenty."

"Don't call me baby!" Bella slapped him across the face. "You, Sir are destroying my town! I refuse to let you win! I am leaving now and you can deliver dessert."

Edward moaned, "We destroyed the pies! Let me come with you. We can talk at the bakery. Do you have more pies there? I'll bring forks!"

"I think I saw some vanilla ice cream in the freezer. Get scooping, Howdy," Bella said with a grimace, as she stomped out of the house and hopefully far away from Edward.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Merry day after Christmas! Happy holidays or hope you had a wonderful day whatever your beliefs are!**

**The mistakes are mine in this chapter. My apologies!**

**Reviews would be wonderful. Thank you!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Chapter 4: Fruit Cake

Isabella Marie Swan absolutely, positively never woke up late to get to work in the bakery. Ovens needed to be warmed, dough kneaded and cakes iced. This was the final countdown of the busy season and to survive, in Bella's honest opinion you needed to be on your 'A' game with no distractions. That's why the fact that Bella slept through her alarm that was blasting that horrible noise, aka Justin Bieber made her put all her fury on one person. It was all the fault of that cad, Edward Cullen.

It wasn't enough that Cullen was ruining her waking moments with his constant phone calls, emails and insufferable visits. That was pretty bad, even though Bella refused to acknowledge his existence at these way too frequent moments. It was the dreams that were the unsettling part. Sleep was to be an escape from his presence, but once again Edward was in her dreams with the caressing, the kissing and the states of undress. It was wearing her out and making her not at her best. Edward Cullen needed to be stopped and Bella needed a distraction from that arrogant red head.

As she pulled up in front of the bakery in her rusty, old truck: Bella pondered her predicament. This pondering made Bella a distracted girl. A distracted girl that rammed her truck into a large crane stationed right out in front of her business. Bella slammed on her brakes, as her red junk heap made a mighty crunch into the construction truck. She jumped out of the cab yelling, "What the hell is this doing in front…"

That is when Bella looked up to see here happy, quaint Ugly Duckling Bakery sign being replaced with a stark, impersonal and modern sign reading, UDB Café. The rage that filled her made her kick the curb and stub her toe and as she let out a series of expletive filled screams her assistant baker ran up to her ringing his hands. "Bella, I tried to stop him!"

Bella looked at Liam Sullivan and tried to calm herself. Liam was a gentle soul with quite the delicate hand for piping frosting flowers. She was sure nothing that came out of his passive mouth would have made anyone stop doing anything. "I'll take care of it, Liam. Just make sure the cookie orders are being finished. I promised the Community Center that we would have Gingerbread Men ready for their decorating party tomorrow."

"Should you be here, Chef?" Liam asked nervously. Bella was never late and Liam was concerned that the stress of dealing with that bossy, yet attractive Edward Cullen made his boss susceptible to illness. "If you feel sick…"

Bella waved him off and limped towards the cause of her ire, "Don't worry about me. I just had horrible nightmares about being pecked to death by an evil red headed bird."

Of course, Bella had enough sense to leave out with what she was being pecked with.

Edward looked over towards her as he directed the man running the crane. "About time you showed up. What do you think of the sign?"

"Take it back from whatever sweatshop it came from, Woody."

"Why are you calling me Woody Harrelson?" Edward asked confused. It was way too early for Bella's crazy and her top being improperly buttoned. It made him want to fix it, and in the process do other things that required unbuttoning.

"Woody Woodpecker, you moron." Bella answered sneering. "I mean it when I said I want it out of here. The nearest garbage dump would suffice. Also, you need to fix my truck. I crashed it into this stupid crane. It was the shock of you ruining my business."

Edward glanced quickly at Bella's dented hood and cringed. "That heap of rust should have been put out of its misery long ago. You can have one of my town cars."

"You're joking, right? I don't know what's funnier, you giving me a car or that you just called it a 'town car'? How old are you? You are such an eighty year old man. You make my dad and Newton Sr. look like hipsters."

"Bella, I need to get this done? Go inside and bake me a delectable scone," Edward said dismissively.

"Hey Woody, you can stick that scone up your…" But before Bella could finish where the perfect place Edward could cram that scone, walking down the street appeared the newest incarnation of the one and only, Jasper Whitlock-Hale.

In order to win the heart of his hesitant beloved, Jasper decided that his best course of action was to assimilate to Bella's favorite things. While it saddened Jasper that Bella had no love for the Wu Tang, he being the essence of cool would learn to become one of those whining, emo wussies she was always listening to. Donning a brown corduroy jacket, flannel button down shirt and black fedora, Jasper felt that he fit the part well. He did smell like moth balls, but what else could one expect to happen when Jasper decided to pick up his ensemble from a thrift shop and put it on before leaving the store. In his hands, Jasper carried a guitar to serenade his love. It didn't occur to him that the last thing he learned to play on the instrument was Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star at the tender age of ten. Oh well, it really was the thought that counted.

To fit the part of a melancholy, lovelorn rocker Jasper forced tears to drop from woeful eyes as he burst out the most horrendous version of _Smells Like Teen Spirit_that has ever been sung in the history of mankind. The fact that he couldn't play the guitar was one problem that was made worse by him not knowing the words. Then to add insult to the ears of anyone standing near him, Jasper was tone deaf and loud. How Jasper deemed this to be a song to woo Miss Swan would be anyone's guess. It only made Bella and Edward cover their ears at the discordant strums of the guitars and disturbing mumbles coming out of the man's mouth.

"What is wrong with him?" Edward exclaimed gripping Bella's arm protectively. He was convinced that this Jasper fellow was quite unhinged. It was in Bella's best interest…no her pastries…no her to keep her safe from Whitlock-Hale. These feelings for Bella that kept creeping their way into Edward's subconscious were disturbing. He didn't enjoy needing to be around a woman, it was unnatural for a playboy of his magnitude. It had to be her cooking ability, not the way her expressive brown eyes lit up when she was talking about something she enjoyed. Or the way, Bella would bite her pink, like peonies, lips when concentrating. It was the cooking. It had to be!

Bella pushed Edward's arm off her. She like the warmth of it, but remembered quickly she detested the man it was attached to. "Listen up! Jasper, stop! Seriously stop!

"So you like my song for you, my alternative goddess? I think I can strum some Bikini Kill or maybe Cold Play for you!" Jasper exclaimed with a strange hip gyration in Bella's general direction.

"No! You are scaring away customers with your bellowing. Jasper, I am saying this with not any kindness, you sound like a dying cat." Then Bella looked at Edward and poked him in the forehead. "The customers I would have had eating here if Woody didn't scare them away with his ugly sign."

"I thought his name was Edward? Who's Woody?" Jasper asked in confusion.

Bella poked Edward in the head again and made him grunt, "This fool, Jasper. His name is officially Woody this terrible morning. It might change tomorrow after my dad arrests you both and throws you into the slammer. How about Clara Bell? It would work after a big tattooed man makes you into his girlfriend, Edward."

"You are so amusing Bella, I am holding back all my laughter," Edward said to Bella sarcastically. "The sign is good for our business."

"It's not our business, Edward! In what alternative Dr. Who universe did you and I sign any papers that say you have any part in my bakery's operations? I don't see Davis Tennant or Matt Smith dropping in here in a telephone booth to make it legal."

"You watch Dr. Who?" Edward hunched over in a fit of hysterical laughter. Bella Swan was a sci fi nerd. He, Edward Cullen was in love with a nerd. At that thought, Edward immediately stopped laughing and stood up straight in fear. "Well…I like to… I…"

"You have no right to laugh at me and what I enjoy, you sniveling man whore!" Bella yelled at him. How dare he laugh at quality British programming! Bella always had a thing for men in bow ties.

Edward immediately took exception at Bella's characterization of him as a man whore. Even though, technically, it was true. "Well Miss Swan, you didn't take too much issue with my 'man whore' ways in my mother's kitchen. To be honest, in olden days, I think we sealed the deal in that very room."

"Sealed what deal?" Jasper asked, not liking to be the third wheel in his attempt of claiming Bella as his own.

"You see, Jasper, Bella and I sealed our 'relationship' with a kiss." Then Edward smirked at Bella. "Several if I remember correctly."

Bella sputtered angrily, "Why you… it's sealed with a handshake, jackass, not kiss… I really…"

"What kiss?" Jasper shrieked dropping his guitar, it crashing into the ground.

"Shut up!" Edward and Bella yelled back at him staring into each other's eyes.

Edward spoke first, "Bella, if you need to be childish, then think of the sign as a Christmas present."

"We are back onto the sign that you WILL be removing immediately? Here's a little 411for you, Woody. Christmas presents are fruit baskets and candles scented like burnt apples," Bella growled.

Edward was once again turned on by angry Bella, so he decided to rile her up even more. "Be grateful for once, woman! Pucker up and thank me graciously."

"I am calling Rose and she's going to drag you and her musically deficient brother to jail for trespassing, stalking, disturbing the peace and noise pollution!"

"You just are avoiding the inevitable, Sweetheart," Edward said with a smirk.

"Oh just go away!" Bella yelled and she stomped towards the bakery.

As she approached the door, she heard behind her, "Ed…sorry, Woody, I brought you a sample of the moisturizer you like so much."

"Thanks man! They get so chapped this time of year…"

XXXXX

Bella thought the morning couldn't get any worse, but as she entered the bakery, what in her wondering eyes did appear? Why it was a slutty elf sucking the face off the most inept officer in the Forks Police Department.

"Alice Cullen, what are you doing?" Bella exclaimed, mentally washing her mind out with bleach.

Behind Bella a raspy old voice laughed, "Those young'uns are just putting on a show for the paying customers."

Bella looked to see the wizened Mrs. Cope sitting at a table sipping a hot tea watching the show in front of her. Bella quickly patted her hand and said, "I am so sorry about this! I will make sure you don't have to be subjected to a scene like this again."

"Not a worry, dearie! It's like one of my romance novels. All those lovely images of pulsating members, thrusting and randy pirates; are such fun," Mrs. Cope announced with a wink. At a spry eighty-nine years old, Beatrice Cope had quite an active social life outside of her novels. She was known to frequently visit the janitor's closet with a Mr. Arnold at the Senior Citizen's Center. Thanks heavens for Viagra was a nightly prayer for the grandmother of twelve.

Bella immediately wanted to gag at the image of Mrs. Cope and pulsating members. She rushed over to Elven Alice and looked at her short, tight red dress that was adorned with green feathers and golden bells in inappropriate places. "Alice, this is a place of business! We don't make out with cave beasts where people are consuming food! Not to mention, this is a bakery not the Kitty Cat Club on Route 55. You work on the cash register and not a stripper pole."

"I thought you would like it! I thought I was being festive for Christmas," Alice said pouting. Alice had been very festive in it that previous evening with a Santa Jacob. There was nothing sexier than a fake white beard and a pillow belly.

"I appreciate the attempts of holiday frivolity," Bella said with a grimace. "But we need to be covered up appropriately. Why don't you grab one of the aprons from the hook over there?

Alice looked over to hook holding the unappealing white aprons and gave Bells another vintage Alice sad face. "An apron will hide my bells!"

Bella glanced at the bells on Alice's cleavage. "Perfect. If you have any more problems with my decisions, you can go back on bathroom duty."

"Listen, Babe, my Ali-babe needs to let her star shine." Jacob flashed Bella what he considered a winning smile. Bella thought his smile looked a demented shark.

"Didn't I ban you from my establishment?" Bella asked with a frown.

Jacob shrugged. "I thought it was a joke. Anyway, Alice and I are together now, so…"

"No joke, Jacob. Also, Alice or no Alice, you are still banned."

"Come on, Babe!" Jacob never could understand why Bella didn't like him. Sure there was that one time when he pinched her butt on La Push beach and she kicked him in the groin. If he could he forgive her for bruising his manhood, she could get over a little hand action.

"You called me Babe, again? Are you kidding me? Get out! Actually, you should be arresting Dumb and Dumber outside for annoying me. That might get you closer to my good graces." Bella pointed to the door, while ignoring cranky Alice stomping around behind her.

Jacob stood up, than shook his head. "The chief won't let me arrest anyone after I made that tiny mistake of arresting the Mayor for weed possession. How was I supposed to tell the difference between pot smoke and cigar smoke? Why don't you call you fiancée to do it?"

"Didn't you hear? Rosie found a new pretend girlfriend to have a pretend marriage with. I don't have the time for real relationships, not to mention deal with fake ones." Bella shrugged. When Bella decided to bow out of Rosalie's less than perfect plan, Rosalie decided to continue on with a new fake bride. Sweet Angela Webber, the quiet librarian was convinced to take the role. Angela was hoping that her new lifestyle choice would finally get the young Dr. Ben Cheney to notice her in a social capacity. She was tired of pretending to have a cold, just to see him weekly. It was beginning to look odd and slightly nutty, so she readily accepted Rosalie's challenge. It was bound to fail miserably. "I should call Rose to take care of those yahoos out there. She is a much better cop than you."

Alice put her arms around Bella. "You just need to let love in! Take Edward, for instance, has just been blossoming lately! It's the love, I tell you! You and Ed, should come to the family Christmas party together."

"No Edward and no touching Alice! How many times do I need to tell you about the touching? I swear I am going to type up an employee's manual just for you to get it through your teeny tiny head." Bella wiggled out of Alice's deceptively strong grasp. "I am not cooking for your party, Alice!"

"It's being catered! You just need to let me dress you up pretty and come with Edward!"

Bella baulked, "I will attend nothing with your brother."

"Come to Ali-Babe's party, Bab… Bella. You would be much nicer if you were getting some," Jacob said with a knowing look. Frigid people were always unhappy in his opinion. If you were regularly knockin' the boots you would have a constant smile upon your face, just like the one Jacob constantly sported.

"Just please leave, now. Also, take Alice with you! I will never get anything done with the two of you would be philosophers spouting nonsense at me." Bella had heard enough from these two. She was fine alone. Who needed love? Not Isabella Swan that was for sure. All she needed on a cold night was a glass of wine, a marathon of Saved by the Bell and a celebrity rag like US Weekly.

Then when she had decided that love wasn't in the cards, only twisted fantasies starring Edward Cullen and powdered sugar, walked in Bella's chance to have it all. Hair the color of the nighttime sky, eyes an ocean cerulean and a smile that would launch a thousand ships belonging to a man who walked up to her counter with forceful strides.

While Bella was inwardly waxing poetic about the man approaching her, Garrett Samuelson was actually walking with a nervous shuffle towards her. While Garrett was a handsome man, he was also painfully shy. He was new to town and heard wonderful things about this delicious bakery, but as soon as he entered the walls of crumpets, scones and twisty bread held no pull to him. He was only concerned with learning the name of the lovely brunette standing at the counter. Garrett quickly glanced down his yellow Land's End Fleece and olive cargo pants, hoping that he wasn't looking too grungy to win her approval.

"Hello. I would like a coffee and a cinnamon bun, please," Garrett said with a slight tremble to his voice.

Bella looked at him with stars in her eyes, as Alice narrowed her eyes at them. Bella sweetly asked, "Would you like a holiday creamer with that? We have gingerbread."

"That would be delightful," Garrett answered, as Bella beamed at him. "I am new in town. I'm Garrett Samuelson."

Alice realized that her plan to get Bella as a sister was becoming derailed by a pretty man in an ugly jacket quickly said, "You look like you are in a rush. Let me bag that up to go."

"Alice, you are being rude!" Bella frowned at the girl. She made a motion of her head at Alice towards the bathrooms. Alice scurried away to the kitchen before she had to once again scrub a toilet. Bella loved that threat. She handed Garrett his pastry and coffee. "I'm Isabella Swan. I am the owner and head baker. You can call me Bella."

"Well Bella, it's really nice to meet you." He took a bite of the cinnamon bun; while very tasty had nothing on the vision standing in front of him. "I like that. You are quite talented. It must take up a lot of your time."

"It does, but I love what I do. I have been thinking about cutting back my time and delegating the responsibilities more. I want to try to enjoy life a bit more." Bella blushed, as she admitted this to him.

Garrett wished the beautiful woman was standing under mistletoe and he could kiss her. Of course, he was very timid and very clumsy, so it would just be his luck that he would stumble and fall on her, knocking her into the case of pastries. He changed the subject to distract him from thoughts of kissing her. "I am the new director of the Fork's Historical Society. It seems that many of the historic properties are being bought up. The town elders are concerned, so they brought me here to help."

Those words out of Garrett's mouth were music to Bella's ears. He was truly her hero! This lovely man, who wanted to keep the integrity of her town, could quite possibly be her life partner. It was too perfect, too wonderful and too fantastic of a way to drive Edward mad. That's why when Edward strolled into her bakery like he owned the place, Bella loudly asked, "Garrett, would you like to come with me to a party at my…ahh…friend, Alice's house."

Garrett's face burst into a smile and he exclaimed exuberantly, "I would be honored!"

Edward stopped with his mouth hanging wide and looked at Bella patting a strange man's hand. A strange man she was taking to a party. He wanted to punch the man and swing Bella over his shoulder and run straight out of town. Like a caveman, waving his club. Instead he squeaked, "Bella, can I have a napkin. I think I got a spot on my jacket."

Edward grabbed a discarded napkin from an empty table and rushed out of the bakery. He rushed across the street and sat on a bench and stared at the Ugly Duckling Bakery. Edward couldn't figure out these upsetting, loving feelings he was having for the frustrating girl. He rubbed furiously at his jacking wondering if this stranger's arrival meant he was too late to become something more to Bella, as strawberry jelly from the dirty napkin left large red streaks upon Edward's chest.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hi, everybody! It's been awhile, but I am truly sorry. It's been a crazy time with small children, some new graphic design jobs and a brand new puppy! Finally, here is a new chapter of these very silly characters.**

**Remember…they are all certifiably crazy.**

**Also, if any one knows of a BETA/Pre Reader interested in helping with this or any of my other stories that would be great!**

**I don't own Mrs. Meyer's characters. I just make them goofy.**

**Thank you for any recommendations, reviews and most importantly for reading my stories! You make me feel very happy! **

Chapter 5: Ginger Snaps

Garrett Samuelson had never been kissed. It wasn't that he hadn't imagined attempting this maneuver many, many, many times. For a man as handsome and gentlemanly as Garrett to have never had his lips touched by a woman, well other than his dear mother, was amazing. It would be amazing an occurrence, except for the fact of the poor man being as awkward as a newborn foal. By the age of thirty, Garrett had mustered enough courage to try to kiss approximately two women with disastrous results. Now standing in front of the lovely Isabella Swan's front door, clutching a frozen bouquet of red roses and shivering from his nerves more than the cold, the memories of those ill-fated love affairs came flooding back.

When he was only a wee lad of six, a young Garrett had his eye on the fair Elizabeth Hudson. Sure, Elizabeth had a tendency to pick her nose and eat what came out. It was fairly disgusting in Garrett's eyes that someone his age would continue to do such a thing, but if nothing else he was an optimist. Garrett saw potential in little Elizabeth for she was always digging in the dirt of the small garden of the school. A future environmentalist it appeared to him, even though he later learned she was licking the worms. However, at the time of the "kiss" Garrett wasn't aware of this fact. That is why when Elizabeth was hanging upside down on the jungle gym with her pointer finger pushed deep into her nostril; Garrett decided to let his intentions known. Unfortunately for the boy, Elizabeth was frightened of anything that wasn't a bird. As Garrett pursed lips approached hers, the skittish Elizabeth panicked which led to a scream and a fall. Elizabeth's arm was broken in two places and a she had a massive nose bleed that stained her yellow dress. Garrett, sadly, was left with his first restraining order.

Every boy becomes a man at sixteen, Garrett's father instructed his gentle son. For this reason, Garrett's gregarious parent decided it was time for the seed of his loin to find himself a young lady. Maybe not a young lady, the elder Samuelson knew better than trust his shy son with an equally innocent girl. That's why he thought it would be in the best interest to pay the most promiscuous girl in Garrett's class to go to the movies with him. It was Mr. Samuelson's sincere hope that his son would at the very least get to touch a boob; he had paid the gal fifty dollars for god's sake.

That night didn't start well with the bossy Irina Hamilton demanding the largest, buttered popcorn that the theater offered. The smell of which made the already queasy with nerves, Garrett feel even more nauseous. It wasn't that he really wanted to kiss Irina with her bottle blond hair, but he was determined to put his lips on hers. It became progressively worse as the movie began. It was one of those AMERICAN PIE type, sexual awakening comedies that made Garrett sweat. Profusely. Then as Irina placed the large tub of popped corn on to his lap and reached in, he felt something grab at the bulge in his pants.

Garrett let out a scream like a small girl, alerting the rest of the audience of his distress. The night ended with a portly, security guard trying to help remove Irina's and from the poorly cut hole she made in the bottom of the popcorn box which had become snagged on her Hello Kitty charm bracelet. Garrett never understood what would ever make Irina think that would be a good idea to grab him in that way or why ever a sixteen year old girl wear a piece of tacky costume jewelry meant for preschoolers. Why would anyone do that?

"Garrett? Hey there, buddy. Why are you just standing out here?" Bella inquired at the man standing in a daze at her front door, whose face had a layer of perspiration even in the cold December air.

Garrett shook off the memories of his first two disastrous attempts of amour and thrust the roses he held at the lovely vision that was Bella. "These are for you. I must admit their beauty does not compare to the exquisite sight before me."

He was truly in awe of the woman stood in his sight. Bella wore the tight, maroon dress like second skin and all he could do to stop himself from running his hands down her curves was to stuff his hands in his jacket. Garrett felt an uncomfortable feeling in his pants and was wondering if perhaps he needed to find a therapist to deal with his extreme reactions to Miss Swan.

Bella, on the other hand, was feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation. This horrific dress that she borrowed from Angela was far too small for her. It made her boobs pop out in an awkward fashion. That teaches her to go to a twig like girl for clothing. Not to mention, these heels that Rose convinced her into wearing were painful and most likely will lead to her untimely demise.

To makes matters even worse, Bella was rethinking her decision on asking Garrett to accompany her to this event. Sure, Bella thought that Garrett looked handsome in his khaki pants, plaid shirt and puffy ski jacket. He was an attractive man. It was the odd looking face he was making with his eyes bugging out at her that caused her concern. Bella was almost certain she missed a probable mental issue when feeling out what type of man Garrett was. Honestly, he gave her roses. Cut flowers die. Wouldn't a nice houseplant like a fern or a cactus be a better choice? She would never understand men.

"Oh it's just that I was just lost in thought about world events. Global warming and other important environmental topics," Garrett lied. He thought it best to hide his lack of experience with the fairer sex. "You look lovely, Bella, but wouldn't you like to grab a sweater or a parka? It is December."

Bella grabbed a wool wrap and draped it over the bandage that Angela deemed to call a dress and answered, "I have this."

Garrett just nodded, in order to mask his confusion as he led her to his Prius. He always wondered why women were always suffering for their clothing choices. It made no sense. Bella just gave a tight lip smile to her escort and thinking all the while that Garrett's clothing suggestion was far better to protect her from the elements than they tiny blanket, Rose was forcing her to wear as coat. Bella would have loved to exchange this handkerchief for the oversized puce sweater her grandmother made her. Sure it smelled like mothballs and cat pee, but it was toasty warm.

The ride over to the Cullen Loony Bin, as Bella now referred to it, was uncomfortable. Bella was trying to strategize town saving methods with Garrett, but he was just nodding and give nonspecific answers. This made Bella slightly confused, but mostly irritated. In the meantime, Garrett was trying to not over think their potential first kiss and keep his eyes on the road and not the swell of Bella's bosom from her blue dress. It was a difficult ride for them both.

As they approached, a lone body stood on the front porch. Bella had the strangest feeling that someone was her professional and personal stalker, Edward Cullen. That creeper was once again making her life awkward. She positioned her body towards Garrett and whispered, "Don't let anything that comes out of Cullen's mouth bother you!"

"Yeah that's right, clean underwear is important," Garrett answered in the same distracted manner as he had during the ride to the Cullen's. Garrett's eyes wandering at Bella's upper thigh that had been exposed as her skirt hitched up when she leaned near him. "What?"

"Nevermind!" Bella yelled and propelled herself out of Garrett's car. She stomped towards the house with Garrett trailing behind.

Edward felt a strange glee fill him as the object of his obsession came towards him with her cute, angry face. She was like a livid, little sea monkey. Wait, weren't those shrimp? No, it was spider monkey. He pondered her as a monkey, a monkey that liked his banana, until he realized with a newfound clarity that he didn't even mind that Bella wasn't carrying a pastry box full of Christmas inspired delicacies. To be honest, he was still a tad disappointed. Hopefully, she left them in the car, but he wouldn't beg. He would show her that she was more important than her yummy apple pies. He really needed to discuss this with his therapist, Dr. Stefan Ambrovich. Wanting a woman before pastries? What was this world coming to?

Bella observed the green eyed man before her, his copper hair messy, wearing a tux that fitted him in the most perfect of ways. Her mind was flooded with images of him and her, in various positions and with her only wearing that tie that was now around his neck. Maybe as they hung from a swing? Wait that would be weird and dangerous! Maybe on a boat and she could call him, 'Captain' or he could be a pirate! Instead of these thoughts warming her in lust, it filled her with rage.

He smiled his signature panty dropping style at his fierce lioness. "Isabella, I've been waiting for you..."

"Shouldn't you be heading back to the sock hop, Richie Cunningham? I think the Fonz is waiting for you," Bella sneered.

"Seriously more name calling, Isabella? You can't give the insults a rest for one night?" Edward was starting to realize Isabella's insults were not in fact a twisted version of flirting.

"Oh I can do this all night, Richie."

"I can think of some other things that would be more...stimulating if you want to pull an all-nighter, Miss Swan." Edward grinned while taking in her very fetching attire. He was having many fantasies of Miss Swan and her delicious raspberry scones in his bed… with jam on the scones… and Isabella. He was getting giddy with the possibilities.

Bella's mouth dropped giving the impression of catching flies. "You're a pig."

"More compliments, Isabella? You know how to make a man feel special," Edward stated with a grin. He then looked at her empty hands, realizing it was only polite for a guest to bring a thank you gift to your hosts. It was up to him, as the epitome of good taste to remind her of the fact. He liked to be helpful, of course. It was certain Isabella had never been to finishing school. "Where are they?"

"Where's what?"

"You didn't bring any pastries from your bakery!" Edward exclaimed. Maybe he was more concerned about their location then he previously thought. He looked back at a dumbfounded Garrett, who stood behind Bella. "Hey you, guy with ugly jacket, do you have them? Isabella's pastries?"

Garrett looked at the overdressed man before him and wondered who this rude man was. Why was a butler, or maybe he was the waiter, demanding pastries? Was he being disrespectful to dear Bella? Was speaking of Isabella's pastries an euphuism for something lewd? Obviously, Bella's baked goods weren't the cause for the waiter's demanding attitude. The cakes were alright, but in Garrett's honest opinion, nothing to write home about. Should he be rushing to her defense? Garrett decided at this moment to not go against his nature and continue to avoid any sort of conflict. "I'm sorry to say, but no. Bella and I brought this organic wine."

It took a second for Edward to register what the idiotic hippie was saying. Bella came with the hippie? What in the world was she thinking? Plus, that bottle of wine was probably made in somebody's bathtub. Seriously, Edward thought, who in the world would bring dirty, hippie moonshine to a fine event? That idiot would. "How nice of you to be a kind stranger and offer to share this wine with Isabella, since she forgot to bring a box of lovely peppermint chocolate cookies or one of those delicious cranberry cakes. Something that's actually good."

Garrett answered with a frown, "We picked the wine out together. I'm Bella's date for the evening. Would you like to take our coats?"

Edward snarled at him, "Why the hell would I want to do that?"

"I think I need to talk to the lady of the house and let her know that she has hired a very rude man to assist her guests," Garrett said.

"Are you insane?" Edward asked in reply.

That's when Bella started shaking with laughter. "He thinks you're the butler, Edward! That's fantastic! Garrett, let me introduce you to all that is pretentious. This is Mr. Edward Cullen."

"Actually, I thought he was a waiter," Garrett replied. "Wait...you are the man who wants to destroy Forks! I have sworn to stop you!"

"He's joking, right? Maybe, sipping a little too much of that organic wine?" Edward asked Bella. It was very apparent that the hippie was delusional.

"You're a jerk, Carrot Top!" Bella grabbed Garrett's arm, pulling him to the door. "Let's get his over with, Garrett."

As the couple walked through the door, Bella was pulled to a stop. Garrett pointed up with the biggest grin, thinking that his time had finally come. Above them was a sprig of mistletoe. Bella looked up and cringed. In her eyes, it was cheesy. Which meant it was Alice's idea.

Garrett began to lean in, almost shaking with anticipation. Bella closed her eyes, because she might as well get it over with. All of a sudden, Garrett was flat on his back and Edward Cullen was attacking Bella's mouth. She wanted to immediately pull back, but damn those lips were tasty. They tasted like a mix of whiskey heat and a slight essence of mandarins. It gave her a great new idea for a breakfast bread.

When Bella came to her senses, she kicked Edward hard in the shin and yelled to Garrett, "Come on, I need to find Rose!"

Edward rubbed his aching leg and watched his angry vixen stomp off, pulling the hippie with her through the front door. How dare that horrible man dare try to kiss Bella? Edward Cullen was nothing if not a man of action, who protected his woman from hippie lips that probably reeked of weed and patchouli. Plus, what was the fool saying about saving Forks? It seems the hippie had delusions of grandeur, thinking himself as a Superman. Bella should be grateful that he saved her from that Garrett. Edward licked his lips, tasting her strawberry saliva and was ready to experience it some more.

xxxxxxxx

Bella stomped into the Cullen's house with intense anger. How dare Edward kiss her again? Where the hell was Rosalie? Bella, in her fury, was so nonobservant in her surroundings that she slammed into a large, glowing snowman. It's flickering body landed with a loud BANG! Bella's body lay upon it, like she was cuddling with a long lost lover.

Bella gave out a moan. Garrett imagined that moan coming from doing other things and had to readjust himself. He quickly imagined a disturbing memory of having to wash his elderly grandmother's back to calm his Bella induced desires and rushed to help her up.

When she came out of her daze, Bella was horrified as she took in what the Cullen family imagined to be the image of Christmas joy. It was as if Santa's village threw up in their home. Silver tinsel hung from every surface. Plastic Santas and reindeer lit up the main living room with all their tacky glory. Multicolored lights hung from oversized trees in every available corner of the room. It was intense, garish and a complete Alice Cullen creation. It was that same Alice Cullen who now stood in the middle of the room, sucking the face off of Jacob Black.

Bella was attempting to swallow the vomit that invaded her mouth when a welcome voice asked, "Swan, are you okay? Are you just recovering from those sexy times you were having with Frosty the Snowman?

"Shut your mouth, Hale," Bella laughed. She couldn't help feeling some happy relief at seeing her blond bombshell friend. "I'm just trying to stomach the view of Alice and Jacob sucking out each other tongues."

"That is revolting!" Rosalie exclaimed with a gag. "Yet, my darling snowman lovah, I spy something worse."

Bella turned to where Rosalie was pointing. There sat Charles Swan on a leather chair with Sue Clearwater's placed on his lap. The Chief's hands traveled to many an inappropriate area of Sue's anatomy. Bella's eyes widened at her father's actions. "What's wrong with him? I swear Rose; the Cullen's are putting crazy into the water. Garrett, could you bring me a drink? Preferably a stiff one. Or maybe bleach for my brain."

Garrett rushed off in search for hard alcohol and hopefully a sprig of mistletoe. As he exited, Emmett Cullen wearing a Santa's hat, lumbered over and threw his arm around Rosalie. "Babe! I was looking all over for you! Hey, it's Biscuit Chick! My brother hump your leg yet?"

"Rose?" Bella asked in confusion.

"Emmett, get off me! Why don't you try to ride one of those stupid reindeers?" Rosalie said, trying to push Emmett in the opposite direction.

"That's an awesome idea, Baby! But, I think it might look better in pictures if I pretend to hump it."

"Whatever gets your rocks off. Now scram." Rosalie grabbed Bella's hands to distract herself from staring at the moron's fine behind. "I am not his date. I was hired for the evening."

Bella took in Rosalie's tight, fire engine red dress and smirked. "So you're his escort? Emmett's lady of the night?"

"No. I was hired for security purposes. I'm providing security detail for Emmett."

"Who would go after Emmett Cullen? Aliens with poor taste?" Bella inquired.

"Supposedly, Ninjas."

Bella rolled her eyes. "You do realize that is a really dumb excuse?"

"Well, of course. The man's hot, but he isn't the brightest crayon in the pack. It doesn't matter, because I brought a date." Rose shrugged and pointed to Angela sitting demurely on a couch. Her straight brown hair was pulled up into a tight bun. She wore a high necked lacy top and a long, brown skirt. The look on Angela's face was the epitome of calm composure.

"What are you thinking, Rose? Also, why does she look like an extra from Dowton Abbey?"

"It seems Ben Cheney has a thing for the classics. I guess he's not just Star Trek and math equations."

Bella stared at the awkward man fiddling with a calculator. Ben's dark hair was slicked back with gel, his thick framed glasses sliding down his nose and a Chewbacca tee shirt. "Are you trying to tell me, Cheney's into Victorian era lesbians?"

"Everybody has their thing, Chicken Wing," Rose said with a wink. She motioned to Angela to come join them.

Bella looked at Rosalie like she was two second's from the loony bin. "First, calling me 'chicken wing' is as stupid now, as it was in middle school. Two, this is going to backfire spectacularly."

"I disagree, Bella. This is the perfect way to get Ben to stop pushing calculator buttons and start pushing Miss Angela's buttons."

"You are a crude one, Rose," Bella stated. "What are you getting out of this?"

"I am driving my monstrous parents crazy and going to get Emmett off my back."

"Oh, I disagree. I think you want Big Boy on his back and you on top."

Angela shuffled towards the women. She inquired quietly, "Who's on top?"

"Rosalie desires to ride atop the fat Cullen." Bella laughed as she gave Angela a quick hug. "What's up with the Anne of Green Gables outfit?"

Angela smiled. "Rosalie thinks Ben will like it. It is a bit uncomfortable."

"We must suffer for love, Angela." Rose grabbed her hand and began to stroke it. I think Ben's looking. By the way, Bella, just because you like effeminate men like Garrett and Edward, doesn't mean Emmett's fat. It's called muscular and manly."

Bella sneered, "Just because I might find some of Edward's attribute's pleasing doesn't mean..."

"So you find me pleasing?" Edward asked with a smile. He knew she wanted him. The kiss they had before was proof of her intense and not surprising attraction to him. "I think we should take this conversation to my bedroom."

"In your dreams, Carrot Top."

Edward touched her face in a caress, "Calling me produce names will not hide your true feelings."

"I was talking about the horrible comedian, Cullen. You know the guy with the bright orange puff ball hair. There's quite a resemblance between you two."

"That hurts," Edward said with a frown. Bella smiled, until she turned and saw Rosalie grab Angela's waist.

Rosalie whispered, "It's showtime, Ang!"

That's when all hell broke loose. Rosalie gave Angela a deep, rough kiss with tongue. Ben Cheney started panting and dropped his precious calculator. Then he cried loudly for his broken machine and the strange, lustful feelings he was having for the prim and proper Angela. Garrett rushed over to Bella waving mistletoe in one hand and a tumbler of vodka in the other. Bella watched these crazies that she somehow had let into her life, as Edward started pulling her towards a large staircase.

Bella tried to pull away and exclaimed, "Where are you taking to me?"

"My bedroom, Love," Edward answered smirking.

"Are you crazy? Your den of dirty sin? I don't think so, Bozo the Clown!" Bella started to struggle even more. Then she realized what he called her and froze. "What did you call me?"

Before Edward could answer, or actually make an excuse for reveling his buried feelings, a massive buffalo barreled through them and knocked the duo to the floor. It took it a second for both realize what exactly hit them. Emmett Hubert Cullen.

Emmett, after doing a keg stand or six, decided that a man has to take the boobs by the horn. No, that wasn't right. Was it the bull by the penis? Emmett was confused and drunk. Those were a very bad combination for the most immature Cullen. Maybe, he shouldn't have four of Alice's fruity margaritas. It didn't matter, he was hell bent on getting his woman. Right before Emmett grabbed the first body he could and thrusted his tongue in an unappreciative mouth, he bellowed, "Two can play this game, Rosie baby!"

That's how Garrett Samuelson got his first kiss.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Finally! I have been working on this for quite a while, so please enjoy and let me know what you think. (I actually made the recipe title one Christmas! It's delicious!) **

**Also, if you like this, check out my new story Daily Affirmations. A new chapter will be up in that one this afternoon. It says angst, but it is funny angst and you'll love, love Jasper. (DA Edward you won't love so much, because he makes UDB Edward look like an angel.)**

**Finally, I am reposting a new and improved Forks tomorrow. If you haven't read it yet wait for the newly posted chapters. If you have been reading it, check out the new content in the chapters and for your patience, I will be adding mini chapters concerning other characters in between the old chapters. It will be a fun ride! **

**Thank you for reading and your reviews warm my heart! **

Chapter 6: Cranberry Upside Down Cake

She couldn't understand why every time she attempted to throw any type event that things went spectacularly wrong. It didn't matter if it was a holiday dinner, cocktail party for friends or circus themed birthday party, Esme Platt Cullen could be counted on for creating a beautifully decorated chaos. The only reason that Esme was not in the corner hyperventilating was that there hasn't been projectile vomiting, which was an all too common occurrence. This fact brought to mind a previous occasion of dinner party she threw for her darling Carlisle's coworkers.

She had cooked all day to create a feast worthy of a king. Sure she didn't really read the recipes thoroughly. She also didn't investigate why the meat smelled slightly off. Esme went with her tried and never true theory that if you cook something long enough it would work out fine. That theory seemed to be working swimmingly through the appetizers, but within a few bites of the main lamb course all hell broke loose. The head of neurology was throwing up in a potted plant. An ER doctor was gagging in one of Esme's perfectly starched linen napkins. A pediatric nurse was groaning in a fetal position next to the buffet table. Even Carlisle was pushing other doctors out of the way in an attempt to reach the guest bathroom. It was in Esme's ever honest opinion that she had never seen a bigger bunch of wimps in her life. They were medical professions for goodness sakes! Esme herself felt fine. Of course, her mother always said she had an iron stomach.

Esme stomped over to a table that the catering company had covered in hors d'oeuvres and looked over to her children and their possible love interests. All these people kissing and acting like fools made her cranky. This was a celebration of the birth of the savior, not an orgy free for all. Not to mention, was her precious baby, Emmett gay? She had thought he was in love with the tall, blonde lesbian. The lesbian was all he talked about, instead of talking about finding a career and perhaps a place to live that wasn't his Mommy's basement. Esme grabbed a breadstick and searched desperately for the dip she had created and snuck onto the table.

Carlisle wrapped his arms around his wife's trim body and whispered into her ear, "Would you like to sneak into the gazebo for some alone time, my pet?"

After watching all the amorous people around him, Carlisle was more than ready to have his way with Esme. The only thing that could waylay him from is pursuit of pleasure was his most clueless son's actions. Of course, he was confused by Emmett's new attraction to the blushing man that arrived with young Bella. Then again, Emmett had been confusing him since the tender age of four and walked around the house with straws up his nose. Uncomfortably Emmett still participated in up to last week, when he ran around the house proclaiming he was a walrus. Carlisle was considering very seriously enrolling his child in clown school, because no one else, but Edward would hire him. This included Burgers in a Jiffy on West Street and they'd hire anybody!

"Are you crazy? It's thirty degrees out there, Carlisle!" Esme kept searching for the elusive dip. It was a concoction of bacon, cream cheese, scallions, pineapple and pickles. All things that shouldn't have worked together and probably didn't. "Have you seen the dip I made?"

Carlisle saw the dip all right; he saw it go down the garbage disposal when he dumped it in. The dip had the most putrid smell radiating from it. The last thing Carlisle wanted was to have to rush party guests to the hospital. It really didn't make a nice impression in the community. He pleaded with his angel, "Sweetheart, I know you...umm...worked very hard on the dip. Don't you remember though that we were going to avoid serving things to our guests that the caterer didn't make? Maybe, that dear Bella can give you some cooking lessons."

"You did this! You stole my dip!" Esme yelled. "You can take yourself to the gazebo by yourself! Maybe, you can have a great time thinking about you will only have your hand for company for the next week, Mister! I'm going to make more dip!"

Carlisle watched as his irate Esme stomped into the kitchen. It was going to be a long and lonely week.

While Esme and Carlisle were arguing over dip of questionable ingredients, Bella was attempting to sooth a very confused Garrett, by rubbing his shoulder. She wasn't quite sure why he was so upset, but it saddened her to see the desolate look upon his face. Everyone who ever came into contact with that big oaf Emmett knew he was a loon. Bella consoled, "Garrett, no one cares about what Emmett did to you. He's drunk, weird and quite possibly certifiable. It is nothing to be ashamed about."

"It's because Garrett liked it, Isabella," Edward snickered. He had enjoyed the spectacle that Emmett created immensely. Edward also found the way Garrett's eyelids fluttered during the kiss highly hysterical. He owed Emmett a gift for the show. A video game that you shoot things would work as the perfect gift, because when it came to Emmett, simple things for a simple intellect.

Bella had to deal with a shell shocked, Garrett and really has not in the mood to deal with Edward's vast nonsense. "Put a sock in it, Woody Woodpecker."

"I think you might have used that one already, Baby." Edward winked at Bella. "However if you want to see a redheaded pecker..."

"Are you serious or seriously in need of some class?" Bella asked incredulously.

Edward smirked at the object of his affection, both physically and culinary. "Oh I have class, baby."

"Bella, do lips always taste like watermelon?" Garrett asked, interrupting Bella and Edward's weird dance of insults and flirtation.

"Umm, no," Bella answered. It was an odd question in Bella's opinion. A man as handsome as Garrett must have been kissed hundreds of times.

"Man, was that your first kiss?" Edward's night was getting better and better. "I am happy to inform you that watermelon lips are a specialty of Emmett's. My brother has an infinity for that lip balm little girls like to use. He thinks that the ladies like the fruity lips on him. Except now, it's the ladies and you."

Garrett visibly paled, because in a way he did like it or at least the sensation of it. Of course, he would have enjoyed it more if the kiss was from Bella. Perhaps it would be a good idea if Bella would kiss him now, so he can erase the memory of Emmett's lips upon him. He was about to broach the idea to his beloved when a booming voice yelled, "Yo, dude, let me chat with you for a second."

Emmett was barreling towards the trio in a stumble, almost taking out a plastic reindeer and Alice who was taking a body shot off a half-naked Jacob. A half-naked Jacob wearing a Santa's hat and swaying to Elvis's Blue Christmas. Garrett took one look of this giant, watermelon lip balm wearing, kiss monster and turned to Bella in a panic. Giving her a quick kiss on the forehead, which to his chagrin didn't count as Bella, sweet kisses, he announced in a rush, "I need to be leaving, Bella. I've had an enchanting evening with you. I'll come see you tomorrow."

"Wait...I...you...you're my ride!" Bella exclaimed, as Garrett ran to the front door. Why would he leave her with these crazies? Leave her with Edward? "He was my ride."

Edward grinned. "Sleepover in the Edward Cullen Hotel. I'll even put a mint on a pillow and me in your…!"

"We are having sleepover with the Cupcake Cutie tonight? Excellent idea, bro!" Emmett slowed to a stop in front of them. "My big, blonde princess is hanging out with her Amish chick, so I'll take your Cupcake, Ed. I like to cuddle and it looks like her date has left. He was an all right kisser, Cupcake, you aren't missing too much."

"You are the one who ran my date off, Stay Puff Marshmallow Man." Bella poked him hard in the stomach. "Go bother, Rose."

Edward agreed, "Yes, go bother your Rose. I need to get Bella a toothbrush."

"I need to get a ride home, not a toothbrush," Bella disagreed.

"A ride on top me in my bed, Baby, is the only ride you need. I go fast like a F1 driver." Bella was going to kill him. Edward was thrilled by her cheeks flushing pink in her ire.

Emmett guffawed, "Good one, my brother! Hey, Cupcake, I have a question. Can I have a threesome with you and my goddess? I think I'll break her Pilgrim girlfriend."

"You are disgusting. It's amazing, Ariel, there's somebody more offensive than you," Bella huffed. "I'm going to have my dad take me home."

"Wait, who's Ariel?" Edward was confused now that Bella had introduced female names in her mocking.

"She's the red headed little mermaid in the Disney movie, because your hands are soft like a girl's and you are of the brain size of a fish."

"I find it important to take good care of your hands, Isabella. You really should take better care of yours. I really don't feel like getting carpet burn from your hands when you stroke me." Edward knew he shouldn't say these things to her, because it was definitely not the way to win her heart. He just couldn't stop himself. It was the only way to protect him from her rejection.

"You are out of control, Edward, out of control." Bella said with a stomp of her foot and she rushed over to her father.

At that moment, Edward Anthony Cullen realized that he might have pushed his luck and he would have to redeem himself.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Father...father...take a breath...this is disgusting!" Bella loudly said, trying to get Charlie to remove his mouth from Sue Clearwater's neck.

Sue started to tap on Charlie's shoulder, "Chuck! Chuck! Your girl is trying to get your attention."

Chuck? Bella didn't know what was worse: her father's new nickname or the fact that the Chief of Police was making out like a teenager with the town's widowed librarian in the middle of a holiday party. He was making her mother, Renee look like a nun, which was the farthest thing from actuality.

"Huh, Suzie? What girl? Tell her I'm off the clock and call a cab. Maybe Yorkie can pick her up." Charlie attacked Sue's neck again. It had been a long time since Charlie had been relationship with a woman. He had dated Sue in high school before Renee and Harry broke them up, so it was time for the past lovers to reconnect. When he started dating Sue at Thanksgiving, he decided to make up for lost time. Make up time he did. In the backseat of the squad car, the dugout of the Forks's High School baseball field and behind the Forks Auto Mart were all places that were 'christened' by the older couple.

"Your girl, Bella is trying to talk to you!" Sue exclaimed at the distracted Charlie. Sue Clearwater was extremely intimated by the tiny Bella Swan. She had a temper like her mother, Renee and Sue had enough run-ins with the mother to know to avoid the same mistake with her daughter.

"Bella? Sorry, kiddo, I didn't recognize you all gussy upped." Charlie looked at his daughter in a daze.

Bella glared at the old man, "I need a ride home."

"Honey, I've been drinking. Sue and I are going to take a cab to the reservation and I'm staying at Sue's tonight. Your place is in the opposite direction or we could share. Can Rosie take you home? Maybe, you can stay on one of the guest rooms here? The house sure is big enough."

"Don't worry, Chief Swan. I'll take Bella home," a voice drawled lazily drunkenly.

Bella turned around and was face to face with a Zoot suit wearing, Jasper Whitlock Hale. A fedora was perched awkwardly on his curly blonde hair and he was swinging a cane like a pendulum, knocking brightly colored elves off a nearby shelf with a crash. He grabbed Bella's hand and kissed it, lingering a bit too long. He winked and said, "My date and I have just arrived, so if you wait a half an hour longer I will drop her home and take you onto your house. May I introduce you to Jane...I am not quite sure Jane's last name. Jane, this is the lovely Isabella Swan."

The reason Jasper had no clue of Jane's last name is that he had just met her at Club Eclipse and dragged her to the party in hopes to capture Bella's attention.

Capture Bella's attention Jane did, for she was the size of a linebacker wearing a tight purple cat suit with a questionable bulge, her blonde wig was slightly askew and Bella was sure she could see an Adam's apple bobbing as she swallowed. Then Jane opened her mouth and in a deep tone said, "I thought you were taking me to your house? No matter what you are going to owe me a hundred..."

"You have got to be kidding me!" Rose yelled rushing over followed closely by a salivating Emmett. "What did you do, Jasper? I swear one drink and you lose all the tiny amount of common sense you possess!"

"What are you talking about, Rosalie? I thought you wanted me to find someone to get over Bella," Jasper sullenly said.

Rose grabbed her brother by the ear, "Idiot, you brought a male prostitute! I've arrested him several times!"

"How are you doing this lovely evening, Miss Rose? I'm just helping this young man have a good night." "Jane" winked. "I'm not doing anything wrong."

"That's Officer to you. Alec Gianna! Do I need to arrest you? Did you even tell Jasper about you prices or were you going to spring that and a piece of your anatomy on him later? I am going to be doing you a big favor tonight. You get your ass out of here, before I get the chief over here to lay down the law." Rose clamped her hand on Alec's arm.

"Honey, I think the Chief is busy right now," Alec laughed.

Rose looked at the chief grinding on his lady and made a disgusted face. "Gross. Listen, last chance Alec..."

"Fine, Miss Rose...Officer, I'll go," Alec said with a smile at Jasper. "Call me anytime, Baby."

Jasper moaned watching Alec leave, "I shouldn't drink."

"No you really shouldn't. I am going to have dad pick you up. You'll sit in this chair until he arrives." Rose said to Jasper. She looked at Bella. "We should hook him up with Alice."

Bella thought that was worst idea ever. "If you put that much insanity in a room, the world will explode. Hey, can you take me home?"

"I would, but I'm staying here tonight. Angela is getting a ride from Ben." Rose pointed to awkward couple holding hands and heading out the door. Bella thought it was the sweetest thing she ever saw, knowing that a love like that was probably ever in her future. Then Bella realized the gravity of what Rose said.

"You're sleeping here? Sleeping with the Jolly Green Giant?" Bella was surprised, but also not surprised looking at the way Rose was unintentionally leaning into the big man who was wearing a green sweater.

Emmett smiled, "My queen will be giving a royal roll in my big boy bed."

"I told you I was staying a guest room!" Rose punched him in the arm.

"I will be too, because I am not leaving your beautiful side." Emmett stroked Rose's hand sweetly. Both Rose and Bella didn't think he had it in him.

Bella felt an arm wrap around her shoulder and Edward whispered in her ear, "I'm sorry if I was crude. I really would love your company tonight. I promise to behave."

"Alright," Bella agreed. She was too tired to fight her feelings anymore.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bella awoke feeling smothered by something large, warm and naked on top of her. She struggled to break free from its suffocating hold, when memories she had flooded back to her in waves.

_"Help me get this off, Edward!"_

_"It's stuck, Babe! Let me get scissors."_

_"This dress is freaking ridiculous! Angela was crazy to make me wear it."_

_"I like it, Babe. You look sexy."_

_"Shut it with the 'baby' and 'baby', Lucy."_

_"Lucy? Jesus, Woman your breasts are magnificent!"_

_"Oh thanks. Lucille Ball. I Love Lucy."_

_"That makes sense, another red head...oh touch me right there...please let me call you baby!"_

_"Fine, if I can call you Rooster. More of that please!' It feels so good!"_

_"I find you calling me stupid names so hot. Seriously, I do! God, you're gorgeous!"_

_"You too! Gorgeous, not the stupid names I call you making me hot. More…more...more! Ouch, my arm! You're crushing it!"_

_"Sorry, Love! Let's try this! Perfect...ugh...yes!"_

_"Yes, Edward!"_

_"Say my name again, Love!"_

_"Why? Ugh, yes!"_

_"Because, I love the sound of it coming out of your mouth...yes! Wait, move your leg to the right. That was an uncomfortable move."_

_"Oh okay, Edward! Is that better! Oh god, so much better! Yes! Yes! Yes!"_

_Ten seconds later it was done. Twenty minutes later it, lasted an hour. Never had it been truer that practice makes perfect._

Bella looked down at the slumbering Edward clutching her naked body and panicked and said out loud, "What the hell did I do!"

**AN: A very special awkward Bella/Edward intimate moment for you all. 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on, "Ouch, my arm! You're crushing it!" **

**You're welcome!**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Thank you all for the love you are giving this story! I am so happy it makes you laugh!**

**There are some very true stories in this one. See if you can guess and let me know what you think they are. The main course is real and my husband made it for Christmas dinner! (It was really good!)**

**I hope you enjoy and let me know by reviewing. Thanks again!**

Chapter 7: Pork Loin Wrapped in Herbs and Pork Belly

Liam looked at his boss with concern; Bella hadn't left the bakery's kitchen in days. She just stood at the work station mixing at a furious pace, pounding dough and generally yelling at everybody and anything. Either Liam or Peter had to work out front with Alice and suffer through her idiotic nonsense. If Alice tried to come to the kitchen they had specially created squirt bottles of a mixed concoction of old fashioned listening and water to squirt at her. Bella informed Liam that this worked with naughty dogs and horrible girls. Surprisingly, Bella was correct about this on both points it kept the stray dogs away from the dumpster and Alice pouting by the cash register.

At night, she would sneak out and crash at Liam and Peter's apartment, pretending that they were having sleepovers. Liam knew good and well that this was, pardon his French, bullshit. Bella never enjoyed sleepover and her version of fun was depressing. Never had the two men and to suffer through so many bleak foreign films and eating frozen pizza rolls. They were disgusting. It was if their boss and friend was torturing herself and in the process the men she employed. To say this was damper on Liam and Peter's romantic moments was a vast understatement.

Liam thought it was best to approach the situation delicately. "Listen, Bella...tonight is Christmas Eve and I just needed to make sure that we are still closing at eleven. Peter and I have to the road to get to his parents by two."

"Right, right...I forgot to ask, what I should I bring?" Bella asked nonchalantly, as she boxed Christmas cookies to have out front. She could never believe how many people always waited the last minute and forgot about the cookies. Bella could count on everyone who picked up their special holiday orders to snatch up a box of cookies or two.

"Honey, you aren't coming," Liam tentatively reminded the poor girl. The last thing he needed was bringing this sad sack to Peter's large family's holiday dinners. They had enough to deal with Peter's drunken uncle asking the 'fairies' to dance the Nutcracker Suite around the Christmas tree. Having a morose Bella talking about the unfairness of the cosmos would be too much to bear. "Don't you have explains to wrap gifts and get drunk with Rose?"

"I just can't deal with her right now," Bella said sadly. How could she admit to her best friend that she slept with the enemy? Even worse, slept with the enemy and likes it. Bella knew she would never, ever live it down. Liam gave her a quizzical look as the phone rang. Bella grumbled at him, "Liam answer the phone, please. Remember, if it's Cullen, I moved to France and become a baker in a small village not interested in losing their self-respect to greed. If it's Garrett, I have decided to build houses for habitat for humanity in Gambia. If it's anybody else, please tell them that I'm busy getting orders ready and it's too late for special orders. The fools should have planned earlier than Christmas Eve to place an order. If it's my old fart of a father, tell him have a happy time with his new family. Also, his order is ready to pick up. I certainly don't know why he ordered, so much. It's not like the entire team of the Seattle Seahawks are dining at his house. I swear the oldster is losing his marbles."

Liam was shocked that the phone continued to ring through Bella's long, odd and extremely specific rant. He answered the phone staring at his unhinged boss, "Happy Holidays! Ugly Duckling Bakery, Liam speaking."

"Boy, put that stubborn daughter on my on the phone," Charles Swan barked. Liam felt a swoon coming. That mustache and the police uniform reminded him of his favorite member of Village People.

"I am sorry Chief Swan, but Bella isn't able to..." Liam tried to ignore Bella's glaring at him or the phone. He wasn't sure which.

The Chief interrupted, "Tell that child of mine to put her ear on the damn phone. I know she's been hiding out at your apartment. I'm the law in this town, boy. I have eyes and ears all over, you hear?"

"But...but...but, sir, it's just so busy this morning with Christmas tomorrow..."

"How long have I been her father, boy? Let me tell you a little fact, it was since she was born. Were you there? No. For this reason alone, I know without a shadow of a fact that she is tossing cookies into boxes and pouting. Also, tell her to add three of the boxes of those with the baked goods she's bringing over tonight." Charlie had enough of Bella's regression to a three year old. Was he not allowed to pursue a relationship? Sure he might have gotten a little overzealous in his actions, but he did feel regret that he didn't understand what his daughter needed the night of the party. However, Bella ignoring the situation and not allowing for his to make it up to her was not going to happen.

"I don't think she is..." Liam started to say. He was really tired of being the go between with these two bull headed Swans. He knew that the Christmas season was a time to be for giving, but these two were giving him a headache which didn't count at all.

Bella yelled loudly, "Tell that old fart..."

"Son, inform my daughter that if she doesn't straighten up that I'll be letting Sue cook Christmas dinner tomorrow," the Chief said as loudly back, making poor Liam wince as his eardrum vibrated painfully.

"Give me the damn phone, Liam!" Bella grabbed the phone from Liam and began shouting, "I wasn't going to cook the damn dinner, old timer, but now I want to. You want to know why? That lady is going to destroy my perfectly planned meal. You two will be salivating all over each other and forgetting to put on the meat. Then everyone will be eating raw meat like cavemen and it will just be embarrassing. Embarrassing for me, because I am a master baker and chef and my father who can't keep some latent teenage hormones in check has just made a horrible meal. This happened because; his awesome chef daughter didn't make it, because the dirty old man couldn't have kept his tongue in his mouth."

Charlie had never heard his only child, so very angry. Did she have some pent up anger concerning his divorce from her mother? Even though she was being disrespectful to her father, he was going to give her a pass. He made a mistake and had some apologizing to do. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I shouldn't have gotten so caught up with Sue at The Cullen's party. You needed me and I failed you. You should always come first."

"Listen, Dad, I want you to be happy. I really do," Bella said. Her father never apologizes for anything, and it was making her anger fade a bit. Even when she was growing up and in the middle of the night she would fall into the toilet, because he left the seat up. There was never an apology, just a guffaw and a wink. "If Sue is what makes you happy then I am happy for you both. I am upset, because Garrett left me there and I needed you to get me home and away from...mistakes. I was already on edge being at that house, with him and then the mistake. Which really was my own fault, not yours, I guess. The mistake, that is."

"Umm...what mistake, kiddo?" Charlie asked. What had happened after he left the party? "If that Jasper..."

Bella crammed a cookie into her mouth to hopefully distract her father by the sound of her munching. It was only eight in the morning, but if you couldn't eat a cookie for breakfast on Christmas Eve then you were a heathen in Bella's humble and sugar addicted opinion. Bella said while crumbs flew out of her mouth, "No, Jasper is fine, well not fine, but still manageable. It's nothing really. I'm closing the bakery at noon. I will be over after grabbing my overnight bag to start prepping for dinner tomorrow night. I think it's just you and me tonight for Christmas Eve pizza. I haven't really talked to Rose..."

"I have, Bells and she already has dropped off her overnight bag and all the stuff to have your annual gift wrapping party. Your room is a mess of ribbons and bows." Charlie decided to ease his daughter's mind. "Rosie loves you and so do I. You can talk to us about anything. You'll be doing that talking in about one minute, because Rosie is on her way. See you tonight."

Liam looked at Bella as she hung up the phone. Was he mistaken about the reason Bella was hiding out at his home? Liam thought she was mentally unhinged at seeing her father getting almost horizontal with the town's librarian. What mistake was she talking about to her father? "Bella what were you talking about with your dad? Was this mistake with a man?"

"A man, Bella Swan? You better spill, girl!" Peter rushed in squealing and grabbing a delectable sugar cookie shaped like a reindeer. A cookie for breakfast was a joy!

Liam looked at his love in surprise. "How did you know what we were talking about?"

"Oh, Honey, I was listening in with a glass at the door. I knew your conversation had to be better than what I had to endure out there," Peter stated pointing to the door leading into the cafe. "That Alice is yammering on about her plans with Jacob Black tonight. All this nonsense about red lace, clamps of various sizes and headbands with reindeers antlers. If I wasn't gay before that girl would have me professing my love of cocks in a New York minute. Speaking of cocks..."

In a case of imperfect timing, Rose burst into the room while pushing a insistent Alice out of the way. Alice exclaimed, "I heard something about cocks! Let's dish!"

"Don't you have a paper napkin dispenser to fill or a toilet to clean before the bakery opening, pipsqueak? Let grow ups talk," Rose declared in a tone that said don't mess with me, as she closed the door in a glum Alice's face. Rose turned to Bella with her hands on her hips. "All right there, girly we need to have a powwow."

Bella looked sadly, "I'm sorry, Rosie."

"You will be if you pull this shit again, lady! Always remember in this twisted world, our friendship comes first." The usually unaffectionate Rose pulled Bella into a hug.

"Adorable or whatever, you silly little whores! Just kiss like the pretend lesbians you are and get it over with," Peter stated grabbing another cookie and dipping it in his hot chocolate. Liam looked at him in concern. A sugar high inflicted Peter was a disco listening Peter. It was going to be a LONG drive to Peter's parents' house. Peter continued, "Rosie, Pumpkin, we were discussing Isabella and a cock."

Rose looked confused at Peter until Liam explained, "It appears Bella made a 'mistake' with a man."

"I never said that!" Bella protested. She started chugging her coffee and burning her tongue.

"You never denied it either," Liam said with a shrug.

"Fine! A male was involved! Are you all happy?"

"Very, as long as there was a big old cock involved!" Peter squealed again.

Rose gave him an annoyed look. "Peter, please stop saying 'cock', unless a rooster is involved. I am guessing Bella that this isn't concerning Garrett, because he ran like a little girl when Emmie kissed him."

"Who the hell is Emmie?" Bella started to say. Then she realized who Rose was referring to. "What the what? You are talking about Emmett Cullen? The Stay Puff Marshmallow Man? You have a nickname for that fool? I thought you were only going to talk and see what a moron he is. You slept with him?"

"Not the night of the party. We did talk and he's only marginally moronic. We actually had sex last night. He made me dinner. It was only peanut butter sandwiches, but so sweet. Don't scowl at me, Swan! The muscles on that man are amazing!" Rose glared at Bella. "This isn't about me! This is about you and...and...Edward! You didn't do it, did you?"

"Yes, I had sex with Edward!" Bella announced and started banging her head against a cookie covered workspace. The rest of the group looked at her in shock. She hated Edward, so it made no sense was their unspoken consensus.

Rose gently lifted Bella's head from the table. "You are getting crumbs all over you head, Crazy. I guess this wasn't completely about Charlie and his new relationship."

"Of course not, I said it was about a cock and it was!" Peter obnoxiously squealed again, clapping his hands. It was like nails on a chalkboard. "I bet it was big and pretty. That man is a fine piece of real estate. How was he, Miss Bella? I bet he was fierce!"

"Liam, how do you live with THAT on a daily basis?" Rose asked pointing at Peter.

Liam gave Rose a small smile. "It's the sugar. He gets this bad every Christmas. Also, it flares up on Valentine's Day. Don't get me even started on Easter."

Bella looked at them all in a defeated manner. "The first time was just okay, but it was pretty incredible the times afterwards."

"How many times did you do it, Bella?" Rose inquired.

"Six."

Peter yelled and started swooning, "Oh Lordy!"

"I know, it's terrible and I'm a terrible person! It's like a corporate version of Sleeping with the Enemy! He's trying to destroy our town with Gucci's and Bobby Flay restaurants! I can't believe I let myself fall to his questionable charms!" Bella cried.

Rose grabbed Bella's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I have off today, so I will help out here. I can boss around Alice and get her out of your hair. Make her scrub the floor or something also delightfully wicked. You get out of this hole and start getting in the Christmas spirit. Tonight we eat pizza, drink beer, wrap presents, trim the tree, eat sweets, watch White Christmas and forget about a certain Edward Cullen for a couple days."

"That's quite the perfect list, Rosie," Bella said with a grin.

"I'll even let you listen to that god awful Glee Christmas you love so much." Rose gave Bella a wink.

Bella felt better for the first time in days and realized how lucky she was to have Rose. Rose felt happy to give her friend a much needed smile, which ultimately was what best friends are for.

XXXXXXX

Bella woke up feeling a leg wrapped around her and almost let out a scream. Not again! Why was Edward here? She let out a sigh of relief to see it was only Rose curled up next to her. Bella smiled thinking about the fun that she had yesterday. The wrapping was a sing a long, as they watched White Christmas. They ate pizza and drank beer with Charlie. It ended up the perfect Christmas Eve.

The girls had prepped the enormous amount of food that Charlie had bought for the day. Who did he think he was feeding? An army? Unfortunately, the Clearwaters and Blacks would be joining them. Bella had promised Charlie she would be on her best behavior and she would try her best. The meat itself Bella had prepped even before her shunning of the world. It was a massive amount of meat, but it would be delicious. Bella had learned to make pork loin wrapped in herbs and pork belly in culinary school. It was decadent and delicious. Rose gagged at the idea of it, but Bella knew her best friend would love it. Bella had to jam it down her throat to get her to eat it.

Bella untangled from the snoring blonde, who sounded unnervingly like a chainsaw. Who would ever think that someone who epitomized the feminine ideal could emit sounds like a hard living truck driver? Bella threw on her favorite holiday robe that Charlie had gotten her when she was sixteen. It was covered in pictures of Snoopy the dog in various sizes wearing Santa hats and playing ice hockey. The robe was hideous, but it also was a perfect demonstration of Charlie's love which was awkward, but extremely well intentioned.

Bella hopped downstairs to put on the coffee and stick the pork loin in the oven. After flicking on coffee pot and waiting for the room to fill with the aroma of caffeinated happiness, Bella opened up the fridge to pull out the pork loin. Seeing the piece of meat again, now carefully prepared and marinated made Bella seemed much smaller in preparation then what Bella was looking at now. She stuck the loin on the counter and turned to stare at her father's oven which was now looking much smaller in her mind's eye. Bella had decided not to fret, because she was determined to be a force of positivity. This was decidedly against her nature, but you had to give her points for the attempt.

She started preheating the oven at the high heat and started to lay out a selection of homemade cinnamon buns, berries and most importantly a variety of cookies. A winter wonderland of elves, snowmen and reindeer filled the plate just waiting to have their heads bit off. Raspberry jelly filled chocolate thumbprints bites made Bella giddy with anticipation. Sugar, glorious sugar piled up onto a plate like the pyramid of gingerbread men, Bella just piled onto a plate. No need to be fancy, because they will be inhaled soon enough. To think she was willing to miss this, because a ridiculous man and her ridiculous reaction to him.

Bella had just started to pour herself a large cup of coffee in a festive snowman mug, when an odd smell, which she really couldn't recognize invaded her nostrils and it was coming from the preheated oven. She flung open the oven to come face to face with a white caked on mess all over the inside of it.

Baking powder. She should have realized that what the mysterious smell was. It wasn't as if she hadn't used the stuff countless times in her baking. She just couldn't figure out why it was in the oven. She was about to scream for her father, when he shuffled in with a yawn.

"Oh good job, kid. Cinnamon buns and cookies are the best way to start the day. Let me get a cup of Joe and I can dive into those chocolate..." Charlie glanced at his fuming daughter. "What's wrong?"

"Why is the oven caked with baking soda, Father? I need to put the pork in and I have a white, powdery mess to deal with."

Charlie started rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Well you see, I couldn't get the self-clean to work on the oven and I remembered you said you can't use the spray cleaners in it. I asked Sue and she recommended the baking soda."

"Hmm…you do realize that you need to clean the baking soda out of the oven?" Bella questioned in a flat tone.

"Oh, that would make sense," Charlie agreed feeling embarrassed. "Let me get my grilling mitts and I'll clean that mess up with in a jiffy. Then you can put the meat in and we'll be ready to rumba."

"Ready to rumba?" Bella asked in a confused voice. Did aliens beam her father up last night and send down an easy going replacement? "Listen up, Pop, we have another problem. This oven will just fit the pork loin and not the amazing amount of sides that you requested I make. Are we feeding the Forks Varsity Football team?"

Charlie patted his daughter on the head like a puppy. "Don't you worry about the amount of food, it's covered. Mrs. Charlotte next door headed off to Florida to visit with her retirement friends. She has kindly offered her kitchen to use to bake any side dishes. Oh you are giving her free bread for a month when she gets back."

Bella glared at her father, who was getting a bit worried by Bella's ability to handle her anger management. Luckily, Rose scampered in with a happy exclamation, "Hurray, it's the cookies!"

Charlie quickly went to wipe out the hot oven and attempting to not get a serious burn in the process. He looked towards the now laughing faces of Bella and Rose and hoped that he wouldn't be getting burned later when Bella discovered his surprise.

XXXXXXX

It was the group consensus to wait for present opening until the evening to continue preparing for the day's big meal. There was a lot of work to do, so while Bella and Rose cooked and plated appetizers, Charlie offered to set the table. This was a surprising situation, because Charlie never had set a table in his life. He grabbed the diagram Sue drew him of the proper way to place the dishes and snuck to the garage to grab all the extra plates and silverware he had borrowed from the town's diner. Bella would surely question why so many were needed that number place settings for the amount of people she thought they were expecting. He then grabbed a couple of poinsettias from the mantle to add to the middle of the dining room table and the additional three card tables he had to set up. He then placed a wide assortment of chairs from wooden to beach around the different tables. To say it was snug would be an accurate description, but Charlie would say intimate just to give a positive spin on the subject.

Rosalie came in to the room carrying a basket of crackers and stopped dead in her tracks. "Chief, what did you do?"

"I think it looks pretty good myself. It looks just like the picture." Charlie waved the diagram at his deputy.

"That wasn't what I was talking about. Why are there way too many chairs in here?"

"Rosie, don't worry about it. In fact, pretend you see anything at all. Oh and don't mention this to Bella," Charlie quickly demanded.

Rose was worried. The Chief had a plan, which when these plans had something to do with Bella those plans would crash and burn. Spectacularly. It reminded Rosalie of the summer of their junior year of high school. Charlie had decided his only child was lonely. A loneliness that would have only been cured by the Chief playing matchmaker for her and young man that Charlie knew just had to be Bella's kindred spirit. Those two kids always had their heads in a book, so it must be fate. It also helped that the boy in question's parents had a brand new fishing boat that Charlie was itching to get on.

Rose remembered the beautiful day that the young man, whose name was Paul picked up Bella to take her on a ride in a canoe on his family's large pond. She also remembered a soaking wet Bella stomping down the driveway cursing her father's name. Paul, while a nerd who loved Battlestar Galactica the original version, was also a pervert. A pervert who had wandering hands when around Bella. His hands wanted to travel the galaxy of young Bella's bosom. Young Bella used her galactic death punch to break his nose. Unfortunately, Bella's mighty punch made them topple into the pond. That moment on, after hearing Bella's rants over her father's cluelessness, Rose decided that it would perhaps be better if the Chief would leave his scheming to taking down the undesirables of Forks. Like those young punks who like to skateboard in the park.

Rose was about to further question her boss when the doorbell rang and the old man rushed to the door in a speed of a man half his age. Rose followed him to the door when who should appear but Sue, her two sullen children, Billy Black and his son Jacob. Jacob being his usual charming self, yelled with a fist pump, "Bring on the grub, bitches?"

Billy gave his son a slap on the back of the head and shook Charlie's hand. "Sorry about my boy. His mother dropped him on the head a time or two. Merry Christmas, buddy."

Sue leaned and gave Charlie a sweet kiss. Leah and Seth Clearwater just glared. Leah wanted nothing to do with The Swans. Mostly, that prissy Isabella. They went to high school together and Leah had no use for the girl. Leah was certain that Bella thought she ran this town with her popular bakery and her opinions on everything. Maybe, some people like Leah would like some actual popular chain stores in town. What Leah would give for an Old Navy or Forever 21 to be close by! It was all Bella's fault that the town elders were going against progress. Leah hated her with a passion.

Seth, at the awkward age of thirteen, just wanted to stay home and play video games. He was certain they didn't have a XBox in this dump. He was feeling bored already and plopped over to a couch and pulled out his portable Nintendo DS. He wondered if he kept his down that would let him stay here the rest of the day without interruption. That might make this stupid holiday, somewhat passable.

The doorbell rang again and Charlie got nervous. It was make it or break it time. Either Bella would give him a thankful hug or attack him with a butcher knife. It was a toss-up. Charlie opened up the door and his mouth dropped open in surprise. He let out an angry yell, "You get off my porch, boy! I have a shotgun with your name on it!"

There on the porch stood shameless Jasper wearing a tux. His hair slicked back and in on hand clutching a top hat and in the other a bouquet of white calla lilies. "The happiest of holidays to you, Chief Swan! May I have the pleasure of speaking with your most pleasurable and beautiful daughter, Isabella?"

"Rosie, get your brother off my property. The only reason he isn't in handcuffs is that he's related to you." Charlie's face was morphing into various shades of red and his blood pressure was going through the roof.

"Go home, Jasper," Rosalie said pointing towards Jasper's pretentious Ferrari.

He gave his sister a sad look. "Mom and Poppa left for the Caribbean this morning without me. I'm so lonely, Rose."

"The funeral flowers?" Rosalie questioned with an arch of her eyebrow.

"I would call them future wedding bouquet for my beloved, Isabella!" Jasper then gave his sister a pitiful look. "How about you share them with her? These are flowers for my two favorite girls, Sissy."

Rose looked at the Chief and he rolled his eyes in response. Sometimes that girl was too damned soft. Charlie glared at Jasper and stated, "You listen carefully to the words coming out of my mouth. You can stay, but you better keep your butt in a chair in a corner, that mouthy trap of yours shut and if you even think of leering at my daughter, I will lock you in my basement."

"Okay," Jasper squeaked and hid behind his sister. Charles Swan scared the cool out of him.

Charlie looked at his watch and at the door in anticipation for his very special guests. They were going to be here any second. He was about to check out the window when Sue asked, "Charles, Honey, do you smell smoke?"

Charles looked at the kitchen, as a panicked Bella ran out of the doorway carrying a large pan that held the day's main course. "Dad, I need you to grab some dish towels and wave at the smoke to get it dissipate! Rose open up all the windows! The rest of you, just help stop the smoke from setting off the detectors before the fire department arrives! Crap, I need to get this into the oven next door. Jasper...wait, what are you doing here? Never mind, open the front door!"

Bella didn't even look where she was going when she and her pan ran smack into something hard. A hard something that smelled entirely too good to be true. An odor of cedar, leather, a slight touch of gardenias and a whole lot of man. She took a huge whiff and looked into the amused eyes of the one and only, Edward Anthony Cullen. He said with a smirk, "Smell something you like, m'lady."

"You have to be kidding me!" Bella exclaimed. She looked behind Edward who held her elbows tightly, to observe the whole collection of Cullen crazy behind him. "Friggin' A!"

Jacob shouted at behind her, "Come give Papa a big kiss, Honey Bun!

"Your Babykins needs her daddy to give his little girl her Christmas presents!" Alice shouted back as she pushed past Bella and Edward. Alice jumped onto Jacob and promptly shoved her tongue down his throat. Rose started gagging.

"Merry Christmas, everyone! I made a parsnip, horseradish and pumpkin dip for the celebration." Esme held up the frightful dish as Carlisle mouthed apologies behind her.

"I...I...don't understand," Bella stammered as she attempted fruitlessly to remove her arms from Edward's lovely long fingers. Fingers that when used properly could send her body into waves of pleasure unknown to all but her. Bella started to shake those lustful thoughts out of her head.

Charlie said, "Umm, surprise?"

"Dad, what did you do?" Bella was beginning to hyperventilate.

Always inappropriate at the worst times, Emmett decided to interrupt Bella killing Charlie by calling out to his woman, "Hey Rosie, I brought you a Christmas present. It's a big package. You like?"

Emmett grabbed the front of his pants sand squeezed. He squeezed a bit too hard, as he let out a mighty scream of pain. Rosalie laughed, because of you really thought about it, he completely deserved it.

While Edward was distracted by the most recent idiotic act by Emmett, Bella pulled free and stomped into the yard to get to the neighbor's house. Edward quickly followed and was able to overtake her and blocked her way to the house. If she weaves to the right, he followed. When she went left, so did he. Edward panted, "Just stop for a minute, so I can talk to you, sweetheart."

"I can't, because i need this to get this into the oven and cooked to feed the insane asylum at my father's house, Kris Kringle."

"Kris Kringle? Oh god, am I going gray?" Edward panicked. He was quite vain about his beautiful hair.

"You are such a girl. I am actually referring to the classic holiday children's classic, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The young Santa had red hair, Opie. Didn't you ever watch those puppet TV movies like, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?"

Edward looked confused, "No."

"You had a horrible childhood then," Bella sighed. "You know this thing between us will never work."

"Of course, it can!" After that incredible night, Edward knew for certain this lady was more than the most amazing baker, but the most passionate lover and intelligent, beautiful woman he ever met. They made love, not only had meaningless sex. He was going to make her Mrs. Edward Cullen if he had to carry her kicking and screaming down the aisle.

Bella tried to reason with him, "I am trying to keep the integrity of this town. I'm trying to keep its individuality and it sense of self. You on the other hand are trying to bring in big money and fancy shops and eateries. You know what the people of this town really need? It's about jobs, Edward, good paying jobs that they don't have to wait on rich snobs. There are so many good friends of mine suffering since the cannery closed last year. The company shipped all those jobs to China and the people in this town are suffering. You can put in all the fancy dancy Versace and Coach stores into this town, but the people that actually live her full time can't even afford to look in the window. If you were to say that you wanted to build a Target or a Walmart in town, I would still be pissed due to those stores threatening the mom and pop stores we already have. I would have to have at least a little more respect for you though, because at least you were thinking about your neighbors here and what they can better their lives. Couldn't you have brought in a car factory or something that can bring in actual jobs? That's why we won't work, no matter how much I want to be with you!"

Edward pounced, "You want to be with me?"

"Oh shit. That's all you got out of my rant?" Bella asked as he grabbed her face in his hands.

"Baby, we are going to work this out. I promise you." Edward put his lips to Bella's and kissed her with every ounce of the love he felt for the girl. He let her go and put his hand on the small of her back. "Let's get that meat into an oven."

He led lead her towards the neighbor's house as Bella's head felt dizzy with confusion and her ears filled with the sounds of sirens of fire trucks that headed to Chief's Swan's house that Christmas afternoon.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Today in honor of my wedding anniversary, I am posting updates for Forks revised, a Forks Mini Chapter, Daily Affirmations and Ugly Duckling Bakery! Make my day even more special by reviewing and checking out my other stories. (I bet you'll like them.)  
><strong>  
><strong>Also, thank you for reading my stories! You all are wonderful!<br>**  
><strong>Quick story rec... What If by WhatIfThingsWereDifferent. Her story is amazing. She conveys so much emotion in so few words. It really is fantastic!<strong>

UDB Chapter 8: Candy Cane Cupcake Bites

It is a common known fact that the holidays are a stressful time that causes people to act out of character, with those afflicted individual's worst attributes coming to light. Bella wanted to try to find the positive joy of the season with its holly, bows, carols and brightly colored lights and not dwell on the negative. That's why Bella was trying her very best not to cram her fork into Leah's eyes.

"I'm not eating this! The whole concept is revolting!" Leah sneered.

Bella thought the whole concept of Leah was disgusting. There were two things that Bella was absolutely and positively sure about: She was a baking goddess and a chef extraordinaire, which was without a doubt. The fact that this woman, that Bella disliked with a passion, wouldn't even try the food made matters worse.

"That's only the loin, Leah. I think if you least took a bite, you might actually enjoy it," Bella said this slowly as if talking to a toddler. Bella gulped a large mouthful of wine.

"Yes, sweetie, it is delicious! Try some for mommy will you?" Sue rubbed her daughter's hand in an attempt to soothe her cranky child. Leah was always a delicate child, who just needed understanding and positive reinforcement. Sue was about to barter with her oldest and bribe her with the chocolates that she kept in her purse for these types of moments.

"God, Mother, it was wrapped in its own belly! There is something disturbed about Swan that she would feed us this shit!" Leah bellowed.

The Cullen family, who were cramming dinner down their throats at an alarming speed, all dropped their forks in unison. It was the unspoken family consensus that Isabella Swan was a master chef and should be worshipped accordingly. Edward was about to sing his love's praises when Emmett shouted out, "Take that back, blasphemer! If you cannot respect the culinary genius of our hostess then get out!"

Bella's mouth dropped open. She felt a new found appreciation for the large man child and amazement that he was using big words. She turned and whispered into Edward's ear, "That was very kind of you brother, but does he know what those words mean?"

"I think so. He watches a lot of Food Network cooking shows. He says Rachel Ray gives him a hard on. Which is quite uncouth," Edward whispered back. The proximity of her lips by his ear thrilled him to no end. It made him imagine throwing her on the table and ravaging her next to all the tasty dishes. Then he imagined eating those same tasty dishes off of her, which morphed into Charles Swan threatening him with his service revolver. Shaking this image out of his mind he complimented Bella, "Dinner is delicious, Bella. Thank you."

Bella tried not to smile at him, but he was being so damn charming. She was about to compliment Edward on his manners, but Jacob's voice rang out, "I like the pork belly! I like pork rinds and pork feet! Have you ever had a big bowl of chicken livers? They are delicious, Leah you would love them!"

"I like your style, my brotha! Pork rinds rock my world!" Emmett squealed. Rosalie buried her head in her hands. Bella poured herself another full glass of wine and swallowed half of it in under a minute.

"Seriously, Leah, this food is the shit. I mean shit in a good way, Bella! I need a doggie bag." Jacob smiled at Leah and she was once again dazzled by his glistening, white teeth. Most people, like Bella for instance, felt Jacob's teeth verged on disturbing and unnatural figuring in the amount of cola the man consumed on a daily basis. Leah, however, found them beautiful like his amazing abs. Leah had tried everything in her power to gain, if not his affection, at least some notice by Jacob. He ignored the tight skirts and low cut shirts she wore for him. When Leah started leaving him little secret admirer gift of chocolates and scented candles he thought they were from the tooth fairy for his lovely teeth. The worst was when she purposely went 40 mph in 35 to get him to pull her over; Jacob thought her offer to do something special for him to get out of the ticket was to pay for his raspberry Slurpee at the 7-11.

Even with these personal affronts, Leah was still hopelessly devoted to Jacob Black. This made her feel tempted to eat some of Bella's nasty dinner to please him. Unfortunately, for Bella and her cooking, Leah's hatred for Bella was so intense that it the thought of doing anything nice to her made her physically ill. She had to listen to Jacob lusty thoughts about Bella all through high school and though he had moved on to that weird Alice Cullen, Leah refused to let her grudge go. Leah again sneered at Bella, "It has green stuff on it. I hate green stuff."

"You mean herbs?" Bella asked in a tight voice, while attempting not to beat Leah into unconsciousness with the mashed potato spoon. Bella swallowed down more red goodness.

"Baby, why don't you eat a roll for your momma? Leah, sweetie you are looking peaked and we still have gifts to open." Sue was worried her baby girl would feel faint soon.

Leah considered the roll, because she was hungry. Then she considered where they came from. "I guess, as long as they came from the grocery store."

"I baked them, Leah." Bella took another large swig of wine. It was her sixth glass. Drinking it kept her from ramming the roll down Leah's throat and choking her with it. Edward tried to take her glass out of her hand, but Bella promptly and efficiently stepped on his foot.

As Edward stifled a scream and hoped that his somewhat violent love did this on accident. He was concerned about the Christmas nookie he was hoping to receive as a holiday gift. Sure, they hadn't officially put a label on their relationship and until this day she had purposely avoided him, but Edward was an optimistic man. Edward was sure the night would turn to his advantage, due to visions of not sugarplums, but taking his Bella under the Christmas tree and the twinkling lights. He found this image uncharacteristically romantic, which meant that it must be true, that he, Edward Cullen was in love with Bella Swan.

While Edward was feeling sappy, Leah decided to make Bella's night even worse. "The rolls look undercooked. I would say doughy, even."

Charlie noticed how his daughter was eyeing her dinner knife and then Leah. He quickly announced, "This dinner is top notched, kid! Don't you think, Billy?"

Seth pounded the keys on his portable video game and yelled, "What's up, level six! I just made you my bitch!"

"Please watch your language, baby. Nice boys like you, do not say those things. Why don't you put the game down and have some asparagus?" Sue begged her youngest. Seth ignored her and headed to kill more zombies in level seven.

"It is a wonderful meal, Bella," Billy said kindly to the red eyed girl who was now chugging her wine glass.

"Agreed, Bella, it is wonderful," Carlisle stated. He certainly hoped one of his sons would marry her and she would create delicious Cullen family meals for all time. Esme could only nod her head in agreement, because she was too busy shoveling food into her mouth and sighing happily.

"Wonderful garbage is more like it." Leah waited for Bella to go insane and strike her.

Bella grabbed a roll and was considering hitting Leah in the eye with it. She instead took a very deep breath and attempted to have another very large drink of wine. She noticed it was empty and held her glass in the air. "Refill please, garçon!"

"Bella, maybe you should take a break..." Rose began, before Bella hit her in the head with the roll she was previously aiming at Leah.

Alice stared at the craziness around her, which normally was a huge turn on and would make her mount Jacob like a cat in heat. This, however, was not her reaction. Instead, Alice was concerned about the possibility of violence. This assumed violence would result in Chief Swan arresting his only daughter on the sparkliest of holidays. If Alice was to allow this to continue then what kind of future sister in law to Bella would she be? The second concern she was having was that she realized that she had no interested in mounting Jacob. She might have been more interested in the thought of having a boyfriend, then the actuality of Jacob being the one. It was Alice Cullen's Oprah moment.

Jacob was fun to make out with, but almost anyone would be. Alice had never considered herself too picky about that. The problem was when getting sexual; Alice loved the dramatics of the event. That meant costumes, props, sexual toys and swings in odd places. Jacob would take it only so far and then it was just a bunch of thrusting and grunting. Alice was lucky if Jacob threw in a 'oh baby' or a 'good'. These facts made Alice wonder if she was settling and not being true to her aura.

Alice pondered this as Jasper attempted to join the conversation. He thought that maybe the Chief would let him speak to Bella now that he had a chance to calm down. "Do you like the flowers I brought for you, Isabella, my sweet?"

"Are you talking about the funeral flowers? Do you think I'm dead, Jas...per? Is that why you're wearing the tux or are you going to a prom?" Bella slurred. She grabbed Edward's face to pull it closer and in a loud whisper said, "Hey, kid from Modern Family, am I dead?"

"What kid are you talking about?" Edward asked. He was thinking, Miss Bella might need to open her presents tomorrow. He would happily take her home, give her aspirin and water, and then put her to bed. Of course, after he helpfully removed her clothing. He wouldn't want her to feel too hot. He was a gentleman after all.

"That show...the red head kid...curls..." Bella was feeling a bit dizzy.

"Those are beautiful flowers!" Alice complimented the pretty man with the blond curls. "It reminds me of weddings!"

"I thought so, too! I think Bella might be confused," Jasper stated. He was worried about his unsteady obsession whose head kept bobbing up and down, but was intrigued by this perky, raven haired woman. "You work for Bella, correct?"

"I am helping make her business a beautiful and thriving success! I'm Alice Cullen and you must be Rose's brother, Jasper. I can see the resemblance, you are both so lovely." Alice gave Jasper a flirty smile and he blushed in return.

"That's bull, Alice! You're my bitch and you..." Bella began as Edward jammed a roll in her mouth.

"My love, please eat. It will soak up the alcohol," Edward pleaded.

Jasper, while still devoted to fair Bella, wanted to know more about Edward's mysterious sister. "I am opening a club in town. It should be fierce. I would love some advice on decor and promotions. I was thinking of plenty of costume nights."

"You like costumes?" Alice squeaked out the question in excitement.

"Costumes are one of my favorite things!" Jasper was thrilled to find a kindred spirit. Alice looked at an oblivious Jacob chewing loudly on piece of meat and was ready to cultivate a potential relationship with the obviously creative man in front of her. "Will you help? We can shake on it."

Alice found a mixture of electricity and softness in his touch. "Your hands..."

"Soft? I know, it's a special lotion I get at the salon. It smells like hibiscus." Jasper gave Alice another winning smile.

Edward exclaimed, "You have the new lotion! I thought Heidi wasn't getting it in until next month? Let me sniff your hand!"

"Get a room!" Bella grabbed her wine glass and snarled at the discovery of it being filled with water. Then she giggled and began to sing, "Edward and Jasper sitting in a tree. K.I.S.S.I..."

"Hush, Bella! Did I hear you call my girl 'love'? What are your intentions towards my daughter, Edward?" Charlie asked while trying to smother a smile. Operation Get Bella Hitched looked promising, even though Bella could barely keep her eyes open.

"Well, sir, Bella is my girlfriend and I am planning that we will be furthering our relationship towards marriage." Edward thought it was best to bring this up while Bella was in no shape to refute his claims.

Bella continued to sway. "Dream on, Strawberry Shortcake...I will have the sex..."

"She's kidding, sir! Silly, silly, Bella just jokes around." Edward didn't feel like getting shot by his future father in law.

"Dizzy...I...like...big...butts and I...cannot..." Bella's head landed in her plate.

Everyone looked at the passed out woman in shock. Edward gently picked up her head and wiped mashed potatoes from her face. Leah began to laugh, until her mother, in a rare display of discipline snapped, "Shut it, Leah."

"I am going to take this little lady home. You are welcome to join us tomorrow for present opening and leftover eating," Edward stated in a no nonsense tone.

"Are you staying with her tonight?" Rose inquired staring at him.

"Of course, I am. This is my girlfriend and I am going to take care of her."

"Then I'm coming, too. Let's leave the Edward and Bella relationship talk to when Bella isn't covered in mashed potatoes." Rosalie gave him a stern look that dared him to disagree. "I have my eye on you, Cullen!"

Edward was too frightened of Rosalie to disagree. "Fine, but..."

"I want to come, too! It's a sleepover party! Can we watch A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rosie?" Emmett started vibrating in excitement. "I just need to run home and get my reindeer PJs!"

"You need to be calm if you are coming with us". Rosalie gave Emmett a sharp look as he nodded in happiness.

"Are you sure about this, boy?" Charlie asked Edward.

Edward picked up Bella and gave her a sweet kiss on her forehead, "Absolutely sure, sir."

The group watched as Edward carried Bella out of the room, followed by a bouncing Emmett and a solemn Rosalie. The Cullen family smiled in unison, happy to see their sons embrace their future wives. While Charlie saw that his daughter was finally going to get the happiness she deserved. The room was appropriately quiet until Seth screamed, "Yeah zombies, bite my butt! Wait, you can't, because I killed you!"


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Happy Monday, everyone! **

**To celebrate the dreary Monday we are having here, I will be updating all my stories today and promising to reply to reviews. **

**Quick update, if you are reading Forks Revised, it is now only called Forks. (I removed the old version last week) I will be updating a new revised chapter and mini bonus chapter. I am very excited about the changes and hope that you'll check it out. Also, Daily Affirmations has been posted today. (There will be Edward…Dun..dun..dun!)**

**Finally, I started a Facebook page for my stories that has my first ever banner for Forks. You can find me at Staceleo Stories. I****'****ll place teasers, story updates and just love to chat about your story recommendations!  
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Chapter 9: Spinach, Gruyere Omelets with Almond Scones

Bella Swan's head was spinning, something was pushing her down onto her mattress and she felt burning hot. All that she could remember was a wine bottle and the feeling that she was perhaps going to commit murder on the day of baby Jesus's birth. What time was it?

Her crusty eyes opened slowly, the light streaming from her cream curtains making her stomach do flip flops that would make an Olympic gymnast jealous. Why was she naked? Bella pushed up to move, with the dead weight on her chest and looked down as a large mass groaned unhappily above her. The first thing she noticed was the disturbingly shiny, red hair that glistened in the morning sun. Her stomach flipped. There was an unclothed back connected to the mop of redness on the man's head. Her stomach flopped. That's when Bella felt something large and stiff push into her leg...

"I'm going to barf!" Bella screamed then clasped a hand over her mouth to keep in the offending bile.

Edward scrambled up from his green looking Bella. She looked terrible, but he was still very turned on. "Oh sweet baby, let me grab something."

He scrambled next to the bed and grabbed a plastic bag that he thoughtfully brought to bed with him last night. Of course, maybe some aspirin and water would have been a good idea as well, but Edward Cullen was too focused at the task at hand. That was removing every single article of Bella's clothing. He wouldn't want her to suffocate in her sleep.

Bella grabbed the plastic bag and promptly removed Christmas dinner from her stomach.

"Water..." She heaved.

Edward scrambled out of the bed and ran to the kitchen to grab his beloved a cool drink. Rosalie and Emmett sat at the kitchen consuming bowls of Cheerios and watched a frantic Edward grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator and fly, flopping in the air, back to Bella's bedroom.

Rose blanched visibly. "Yuck, he was naked!"

Emmett agreed, "Not that impressive, right? Of course, you have the good stuff right here, hot stuff."

"Shut up, Emmett." Rosalie was not amused as she observed Emmett as he grabbed his penis. She turned back to eat her Cheerios.

Edward got back to the bedroom just in time to see Bella ejecting more into the plastic bag. He sat next to her and rubbed her head. "Drink this slowly, love."

Bella chugged it. She looked at the clock next to the bed. It was 11 o'clock! "I have to leave! Forks Black Friday starts at ten! I need to open the bakery!"

"I have Alice and Jasper manning the store, until we get there." Edward never understood how backwards a town could be. Black Friday should be waking up at two in the morning to wait in a long line for a store opening at four. How else can you get Blu-Ray players for thirty percent off?

"You're joking, right? Those two yahoos are going to burn down my bakery!" Bella exclaimed in anger as her poor stomach ached. "I bet Jasper is selling weed out of the back or even worse...building a meth lab!"

Bella started to hyperventilate when something hit her. "Why are Alice and Jasper together?"

"I thought it was a great idea. I think they need to develop an emotional relationship. That Jacob kid is a repulsive eater. Jasper has great taste in lotion and hair products. Alice needs that in her life," Edward stated as if this made perfect sense.

Bella thought that Edward had a couple of screws loose.

"Maybe you need a back massage?" Edward asked at a confused looking Bella whose hand was pulling something out of her hair.

"What the hell is this?"

He looked at her as Bella scowled at a white blob in her hand. Edward answered, "It's just mashed potatoes. You passed out and fell into your plate. I thought I got most of it out. I must have missed some."

"Why am I naked?"

"I didn't want you to get too hot or, you know, suffocate in your sleep."

"Suffocate from a tee shirt?" The man was a very attractive nut case. Bella took a deep breath so she wouldn't bludgeon him with her pillow. "Then why are you naked?"

"I didn't want to suffocate either." Edward had this phobia since childhood.

Back at the kitchen table, Emmett was trying to convince to Rosalie to put a glass up to Bella's door.

"That's spying, Emmett." Rosalie really couldn't wrap her head around what it was exactly that she saw in the overgrown child. "Believe me, Emmett; you're talking about Bella and Edward. They are going to be fighting so loud in a few minutes the parishioners at Forks Baptist Church will be hearing them over all the 'Hallelujahs'."

"I think you might be wrong, Rosie. Ed is quite the ladies'..." Emmett was interrupted by a creak. Then out came a moan. "Shit, they're knockin' the boots!"

"Absolutely not, you are crazy. She's been throwing up."

Then from the door a moan, a groan and a giggle rang out. Rosalie mouth dropped in shock. "I think now I'm going to be sick.

Meanwhile, lying on the bed, Miss Isabella Swan was getting pleasured in the most wonderful way. Edward was giving her the best back rub ever.

"Your hands are magical, Edward!" Bella moaned.

That moan went right to Edward's 'monster'. Its other name was his penis. Before, Bella this 'monster' was only interested money, large breasted women and modern design. These things were what got it and Edward the most excited. Now this Bella creature was getting him all sensitive and it crazed with love...no lust...no love...maybe a combination of the two. Bella had just called him by his name, not an odd nickname mocking his hair. The 'monster' squealed, _"Take her, take her...she wants you, dumb ass!"_

Edward refused this and muttered to his offensive monster, "She's been throwing up, you heathen."

"What, Ronald McDonald?" Bella questioned. She sighed as his nimble fingers danced over her bare back.

His angel was back to the nicknames. Edward quickly covered his delusional talk with his penis, "How are feeling, Isabella?"

_"How she's feeling? You are such a pussy! Stick her you, idiot! You don't kiss them, so who cares about a little throw up?" _The 'monster' roared.

Edward wondered how he ever let his sexist penis rule his life. He thought, "_I love to kiss her! She tastes like honey and crumb cake! I bet her vomit tastes like apple pie!"_

The 'monster' laughed hysterically. _"I see two things that are extremely gross about you right now. First, you want to taste a woman's vomit. Second, that you are actually a girl."_

Edward was about to have fighting words with a part of his anatomy, when Bella started gagging. He exclaimed, "Oh sweetheart, here's your bag!"

Bella emptied her stomach, as Edward smiled and kissed her head gently. The 'monster' was disappointed at his new excitement over this affectionate development. _"You might as well stick him in a dress. I'm attached to a damn woman."_

XXXXXXX

It took a while for the two couples to make into the bakery. Bella was clutching a coffee like it was a life preserver and her look would be best described as an extra from a zombie flick. Edward was bright eyed and bushy tailed, whistling a happy tune. Love was brightening his outlook and everything was a bit more glistening. Rosalie was attempting not to push Edward into oncoming traffic. Sure Bella and Edward denied it, but Rosalie was certain he was taking advantage of her ill friend. Emmett was simple. He was simply hungry.

Inside at the counter, Alice and Jasper were drawing detailed plans for the club. They were using all of Bella's napkins and a purple crayon. Alice would light up when Jasper explained the go-go dancer cages. Jasper was impressed when Alice explained her concept for a dress up like a Hello Kitty character night. They giggled and laughed, then sometimes even served an irate customer. Jasper thought he had found a forever best friend. Alice knew that she found her future husband. Now she just needed to convince him of this fact.

"Jazz, we need more dazzle to rain down on the dance floor..."

Alice wasn't able finish her thought, because Bella bellowed, "What the hell did you do to my napkins! Are you two seriously insane? I am taking this out of your paycheck, Alice Cullen! Good morning, Mr. Newton. Did you have a lovely Christmas?"

"Hello, Bella dear. It was fine, just fine. I missed your wonderful company, though." He did miss the nice girl immensely. Christmas dinner at the Newton household was microwaved T.V. dinners, while watching old VHS tapes of Wheel of Fortune. Mrs. Newton had nonexistent Christmas spirit. She put the Grinch to shame. Michael was watching porn on his laptop. A Wonderful Life it was not.

Jasper was torn. Should he defend his new, charming friend or comfort his very, frightening beloved? He decided to pander to both of them, because as Jasper learned from his father at an early age, you can never lose if you can pander and flip flop with finesse. "Bella, your beauty is only matched by your ability to forgive. Please don't be mad at dear Alice. Her sweetness is like a ray of sunlight on a cloudy day. It was my fault that your napkins have been used. Can I offer you a calming neck massage?"

"Nope, Jasper, you can clean up your mess off my counter. You can then help Alice wipe down the tables. Get over here, Red Robin. You have some massaging to do." Bella was highly impressed with Edward's finger skills. They seemed to have many uses that weren't only sexual in nature.

Alice was thrilled. Bella was truly a bosom friend and kindred spirit, Alice believed. The way, Bella was pushing Jasper to be with Alice was a sure sign of deep sisterhood. What only added to the fact was the way Edward gazed at Bella and touched her. Alice could hear wedding bells and taste a delicious Bella cake.

Emmett yelled out to the others, "I am starving to death! Feed your love machine, Rosie!"

"Feed yourself, dumbass," Rosalie would never cater to any man. Definitely not to the gigantic, pouty one that was whining in front of her. Rosalie plopped into a stool and watched the curious case of Bella letting Edward touch her. Rosalie was pretty sure that Bella had fallen hard for the red haired business man, but in that laid the problem. He still wanted to change the town and was determined to thrust it into the future. Bella was still mired into the past. Rosalie knew the plan that Edward pulled out of his ass at Christmas dinner was full of shit. She also knew if he didn't hold up his end of the deal that Bella would have his head on a platter.

Emmett started munching on a fruit tart. "Baby, I need some meat!"

"The diner's down the street. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." Rosalie took a bite out of her favorite croissant.

Edward looked down at Bella, his heart and loins filling with love. "Darling, I was going to wait to exchange gifts with you and your father this evening, but I am a bit excited to get them to you. I know how you hate presents, so can you not make a fuss and enjoy them."

Edward was mistaken. It was a deep dark secret that Bella Swan actually loved getting gifts. The problem was the ones she received were usually horrible. She had a closet of stinky, scented candles and a box of holiday themed socks, just to mention a few of her least favorites. Bella would prefer cash. That way she could pick out what she wanted and not worry about the hassle of recycling.

"I don't know..." Bella began.

"Here's gift number one, love!" Edward put a picture ripped out of a catalogue into Bella's hand.

"Are you crazy? I don't want steel and glass display units!"

"Isabella, baby, they'll look great!"

"I hate them! Cancel the order and don't call me baby!"

Edward wrinkled his nose. "You really have the worst taste, Isabella. This place is shabby and needs a facelift. As we have discussed previously, you get baking and I get to making this place a desirable establishment."

"What happened to the affectionate man who was rubbing my back and keeping his damn mouth shut?" Bella questioned angrily.

"Listen up, my love; I am going to drag you into this century if I have pull you by the hair like a caveman. I want this town to thrive not shrivel up like the so many others. That includes you, baby, because like it or not I care about you and your business. Now shut your pretty mouth and make your man a cinnamon raisin bagel. I like my cream cheese on the side."

"Get out, you sexist pig!" Bella was getting her crazy eyed, violent look again. Rosalie smiled she could see that everything was becoming right in the world again.

Edward smirked and hopped to sit on the counter, pulling a reluctant Bella to stand between his legs his arms wrapped around her waist. "You didn't ask about your second present."

"I don't want it." Bella refused to look him in the eye.

"What, sweet lady are you doing New Year's Eve?"

Bella didn't know what Edward was up to, but she didn't trust him. "I'll be watching a large ball drop, wearing pajamas and eating Chinese. If I am feeling adventurous, I will grab out my Glee season one DVDs and watch them and eat pizza. It's the perfect night."

"Not this year, love, because I will be sending a very sexy dress and matching heels over to your house. Then I will be picking you up and we, my angry lion cub, will be bringing in the New Year in each other's arms."

"Dream on, Rose Red, I will be going nowhere with you." Bella stared into Edward's eyes, so he would know her intentions clearly.

"Oh, Isabella, you will be with me. Then at the end of night, I'll be having you naked wearing only those heels." Edward squeezed Bella's behind with a grin. "It will be heaven when you're screaming my name."

Bella without a doubt knew she had to crush this pretty, frustrating man. "I have a good feeling, the only place those heels will be is in your stupid forehead when I throw them at your head. Feel free to show up and try, Scarlet O'Hara, but I promise you I have great aim."

Bella pushed away from the laughing Edward and grabbed more coffee from the pot. It came to her then that she might actually enjoy being around that fool, and for the first time ever that she, Isabella Swan, was going to receive a New Year's kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Over 100 reviews! Thank you so much! You are all so wonderful! I hope I can continue to make you laugh with my ridiculous words!**

Chapter 10: Champagne Chocolate Puffs

Jacob Black was in a tizzy. This was an uncommon occurrence due to the very common fact that nothing, absolutely nothing fazed Jacob. A robbery at the Quickie Mart...No Biggie. When he almost ran over a cat...who cares? Not showering for two weeks...it' just his manly musk. That's why Bella was concerned to see Jacob panicked. Not too concerned, because she just wanted him to leave. Yet she was concerned enough to give him a donut in a to-go bag and to attempt not to mock him as she sent him on his merry way.

"You don't understand, Bella, what if she's dead?" He threw up his hands and exclaimed, "Please, God, protect my sweet, little piece of ass!"

Bella's concern withered like a dying flower on a vine. "How romantic, you idiot."

Jacob's face twisted in a frown. "You know what, Baby Cakes; she hasn't called me once since Christmas! I tried to find her here, but gay flower boy said she quit! Also, if I knew how to check my email then I bet I wouldn't find one of those either."

"There are so many points I need to drill into that bonehead skull of yours. Let's start with an easy one, which is if you ever call me 'baby cakes' again I will beat you with my heavy duty rolling pin. My father is the chief and your boss, so I will get off of any charges that you try to pin on me."

"Hey..." Jacob hated when Bella went off and started ranting nonsense to him. She wasn't so pretty when she did things like that.

Bella slapped the counter. "I haven't finished. Second, you just prayed to the heavens and called your girlfriend a 'piece of ass'. Not cool at all and I wouldn't blame her for leaving you. Third, never ever talk about Liam and Peter in a derogatory way again or that heavy duty rolling pin will come out in a jiffy."

It was decided quickly in Bella's mind that if Liam or Peter told Jacob that Alice quit it might be for a good reason. Then Bella decided, even quicker, that if this reason came from Alice it wasn't good at all. Yet, having the boys agreeing to said poorly designed plan made Bella really want to help out the insane Alice. Decisions. Decisions.

Her assistants couldn't stand Jacob for good reason. He targeted them for so many unwarranted criminal infractions. A speeding ticket here, a disorderly conduct there, But nothing ever panned out, because the whole town knew that Jacob lied. Her father had a file on Jacob as thick as an encyclopedia, but due to Bella's father's friendship with Billy he was taking Jacob's termination slow. Instead, hoping enough hours of desk duty, making coffee and cleaning the vomit out of the cells would get Jacob to quit. Saturday night was big in Forks for the drunk and disorderly to fill the station with puke. That is why Jacob was always on duty those nights with mop and bucket in hand.

Stick it to Jacob or not stick it to Jacob? That is the question, Bella asked herself...survey says...let's make him suffer.

"You know, Jake, I would really like to help," Bella lied. "Unfortunately, she quit."

"What?" Jacob yelled. "It's true?" 

"I know. It's a travesty of the highest order." Not really, because Alice was a horrendous employee.

Then a very high pitched, wheezing voice cackled, "Helloooo, dearie. I am Mrs. MacDougal. I'm your new employee."

Bella's mouth dropped open. It was Alice, dressed up in an old house dress covered in fuchsia flowers. A gray wig perched lopsided on her head and poorly drawn wrinkles all over her face. It was like a four year old went crazy and used her as a giant dress up doll. Of course, Jacob didn't notice.

"Al...Alright, Mrs. Mac...ahh..."

"Donald, it is dearie."

"No, I thought I heard MacDougal. I must have been mistaken." Bella shot Alice an annoyed look.

Alice tried to cover her tracks. "Right you are dearie."

Bella realized once again that Alice was not only an idiot, but the worst actress ever. Lucky for Alice, Jacob was the worst at everything including figuring out Alice's horrible disguise.

"Hey lady, this is my woman's job!" Jacob yelled.

"Ohhhh...you are hurting my poor ears! I'm an old lady, sonny! Keep it down!" Alice hit him with a wooden cane. "Go home, boy, the young lady doesn't work here anymore. I need to get working over here for this little missy!"

Alice's accent was awful, but Alice herself would disagree. Jasper told her she was a fabulous actress and should be on the Broadway stage, as he dressed her up and helped plan her old lady make up. Jasper was right about everything and Alice had a great need to lick him in thanks.

Today was a big day at the bakery and Bella didn't have time for Jacob and Alice drama. New Year's Eve was a big deal in Forks for those who like to eat sweet foods. There wasn't much in the way of fancy celebrations so it was either the Eighties Hair Band Dance Off at the One Eyed Buffalo Saloon or sitting on your couch cramming cupcakes in your mouth watching a New Year's Rockin' Eve on the television. Needless to say, Bella's bakery was very popular.

"Jacob, I suggest check the corner of Main Street and Mountain Road. I heard she likes to stand on the corner there. If you know what I'm saying?" Bella wiggled her eyebrows and was promptly whacked by a cane by an irate Alice Cullen. "Ouch! That was not necessary!" 

Alice glared, while Jacob looked confused and luckily for the increasingly annoyed Bella, Rosalie came rushing through the door. Bella was taken aback by the wild look in Rosalie's eyes and the way she was flailing her arms. She looked like a demented chicken.

"Did the clothes come yet? Those Cullen men are seriously insane if they think we are going to be dressed like whores! I tell you what, Isabella Swan...we are no hookers! I am going to hang Emmett by his ankles and swing him around until he gets some sense!" Rosalie yelled.

Bella muttered, "Sounds kinky."

Rosalie ignored her friend and was ready to start another yelling diatribe, when she noticed Jacob. "Black, get your damn donuts on your own time! You're on duty!"

"Rosie..." He began, but quickly backtracked as he noticed Rosalie's angry face. "Officer Hale, it has come to my attention that my honey butt has disappeared! I am afraid she has been kidnapped by gypsies!"

"You, Black, are a moron of the highest order. I suggest you check on the corner of High Street and Sullivan Boulevard. I heard she's been standing around and making friends. If you know what I'm sayin'?" Rosalie wiggled her eyebrows and noticed the angry Alice waving a cane at her. "Who's the old biddy...no way! Is that..."

Bella quickly threw her hand over her best friend's mouth. "It's a new hire. I've been busy around here with Alice working on corners. You probably should check that out, Jacob. Of course, that gypsy angle also sounds promising."

Bella and Rosalie started to snicker.

"If you see her, please just tell Alice I'm looking for her." Jacob shuffled out looking down in a dejected manner.

Bella smirked. "I would feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a terrible person. What are you thinking Alice?"

"Well... What are you thinking with those hooker comments?" Alice snarled.

"Funny," Rosalie said with a grin.

"I was aiming for hilarious," Bella stated.

"Back to the original question, what are you thinking, Alice?" Rosalie inquired, repeating Bella's ignored question.

Alice looked brightly at the snarky girls. "Well, Jasper thought..."

"Oh no you don't, Cullen with boobs! My brother should never be asked about anything important. He can't deal with his own shit, never mind another person's shit." Rosalie didn't think Alice wanted her advice, but Rosalie wasn't about to censor her thoughts. Those two crazies could make her job much harder with their harebrained antics.

"You are so silly, Rosie-boo! Jasper is a fabulous man. You should be nicer to him. He did my makeup today."

"Alice, are you dating my brother?" Rosalie was trying to keep her temper in check. Even though she thought Jasper was most likely off his rocker, he was still her brother. It would make her want to pummel the weird Alice if she was playing him for a fool. "Are you dating both Jasper and Jacob?"

"No, Jasper is concerned that Jacob won't take me ending the relationship well. It might be better just to ignore him and hope he forgets. That's what Jazzy thinks." Alice beamed. Bella thought Alice and Jasper's plan was horrible in so many ways. "I wish for Jasper to be mine, but alas he still is enraptured with Bella here."

"I'm not enraptured with him," Bella mumbled.

Alice grabbed Bella's hand, which Bella Immediately yanked away, "I know, dear Bella, never fear I know this. I shall win Jasper's heart and we will all be bestest of friends! Plus, you love Edward!"

"First, bestest isn't a word. Second, I don't love your brother," Bella snarled at the ridiculous girl.

"Then why am I helping you get ready for your date tonight?"

"Alice, it's a New Year's outing, not a date. I don't need your help putting on the slutty dress that Edward picked out." Bella was secretly thrilled to be going out on a New Year's Eve. Even though, Bella was happily a hermit on the weekends, she had always wanted to dress up to ring in the upcoming year. Plus, she secretly wanted to see Edward all dressed up and then undressed up and feeding her pancakes for breakfast. That she would probably had to cook, because destroying the positive taste of food was a Cullen family trait.

"It's a gorgeous sapphire blue dress. You'll love it!" Alice trilled. "Rosalie's looks like it was ripped off of a stripper. Emmett did pick it out, so that's not a surprise."

"I told you! Emmett is a dead man! Tonight is going to be the worst night ever!" Rosalie huffed.

Bella had to disagree, no matter what, she had a feeling this was going to be the most interesting night that she had in a long time.

XXXXXXXXX

The Fork's American Legion was the only place in town that had a large open floor plan. For this reason, it was often used for the big celebrations in town. It housed wedding receptions, baby showers and St. Paul's Bingo Night. It was a passable spot if you throw up some streamers, a couple balloons and clean up the sunflower seed shells that were spitted onto the floor.

That's why Rosalie and Bella were amazed by the transformation of the room. It would have been held up to the same standards at the finest reception halls in the major cities. Decorated in glistening silver and gold with elaborate floral arrangements of white gardenias in tall glass vases, it was a vision.

Bella, dressed in a stunning, yet tight blue dress with a deep dip in the front, was barely standing upright in the heels that Edward purchased for her. "Who did this? It looks like an Esme job. That lady has too much time on her hands."

Rosalie, tugged at the extremely too short bottom of the fire engine red hooker dress that Emmett decided was her perfect look. Rosalie thought she should be going undercover in a prostitution ring. "Who are all these people?"

Officer Hale was correct in her observation of the many strangers that were in attendance of this soirée. Rosalie was first and foremost a police officer, which made her suspicious of everyone and everything. Before she could grab her evidence notepad out of her purse to jot down some notes, two large hands grabbed her waist and purred, "Baby, you look so hot, I'm going to ride you on the buffet table."

"I am going to book you for lewd behavior, Emmett Cullen." Rosalie pushed the big lug away from her.

"How lewd are we talking about, my lovah?" Emmett was swooning at his goddess. The meaner she was, the hotter he got. He had his fingers crossed that she brought her handcuffs.

"Emmett, can we please have some decorum. Our lovely dates don't need to hear such vulgarity." Edward grabbed Bella's hands and pulled her close. "Jesus, you look amazing!"

Bella rolled her eyes. She pushed him away and plopped down at a table. Her feet were killing her. "I would say thanks, but I won't. These shoes you and your sick twisted mind picked out are killing my toes. I am not even going to get into the blisters that are destroying my delicate feet. Are you a sociopath?"

"Baby, they make you look even more beautiful! Plus, you will be so consumed with pleasure when they are wrapped around my waist, you'll forget all about the pain."

"You're kidding, right? Let me give you some insight, Annie. The sun doesn't always come out tomorrow. It's a hard knock life and you aren't getting my legs wrapped around anything that involves you."

"Did you just mock me with an Annie reference?" Esme was a huge fan of the movie. Edward was forced to watch too many times, making him imagine his testosterone levels dropping severely at every viewing.

"I did. I have been waiting to use it for weeks. Thanks for the help." Bella smiled.

Rosalie sat next to Bella, while trying to pull the nonexistent fabric of her dress down. She could see several men stare in hope that she would open her legs and give them a show. She should arrest them for being peeping toms. "That was a great one, you silly slut. His hair does have that curly, clown red bounce, doesn't it?"

Edward was annoyed. He spent way too much on hair product to give his hair that just out of bed tousle that the ladies normally loved. He would have to discuss this with his stylist Heidi at his next hair appointment. Obviously, he needed to try some new gel.

"Hey, Rosalie, I think I see Daddy Warbucks over there!" Bella pointed to a bald, older man, who had the unfortunate taste to wear leather pants.

Edward ignored the women's childish laughs. "Ladies, be nice. That is Mr. John Jenks. He is a very important invest...friend of Carlisle's."

Rosalie immediately caught Edward's slip. There was definitely something up with this shindig. There needed to be some digging done.

Before any questions to the real reasons of this event could be asked, a ruckus could be heard nearby. A shocked Angela was whimpering in a corner. She was clutching the lace collar of her dress and trying to stifle her tears. Her love, Ben was muttering something about Klingons and the Empyreal Guard. A tall, blond man smirked at them. He looked over at Bella and winked.

Bella quickly got up and was followed closely by Rose. Whatever that man said to sweet Angela and emotionally awkward Ben was upsetting to them. It was enough to have both women seeing red.

"Angela, what happened?" Bella asked rubbing her sad friend's back, while attempting to ignore the creepy man who was staring her.

"That...that...that man prop...prop...prop...propositioned me..me..me," Angela stammered. 

Rosalie growled, "What did he ask for?"

"To buy my business," Angela stated. Rosalie and Bella started to sigh in somewhat relief, until Angela continued with a squeak, "Also for sex!"

"What is wrong with you, jackass?" Rosalie asked the now leering man. She grimaced at him, uncomfortable with the looks he was giving her.

Bella started to wave her hands in front of Ben's face. He was now whispering about Tribbles versus Ewoks mating habits. "What's wrong with Ben?"

"He goes off into his own world when he or I get upset. Also, he sometimes does this after sex. He seems to get overstimulated when we role play, Game of Thrones." Angela's sniffles started to recede as she reminisced about a particularly rigorous interlude using strategically placed pieces of armor.

Bella just looked at Angela like she lost her ever loving mind.

The creepy man, or as Bella called him in her head, Mr. Staring Problem threw out a request to the women. "I have a fucking fantastic idea, gorgeous girlies! How about the four of us head back to my motel? You girls can start licking and caressing and I'll jump in."

James Harrison was not invited. He wouldn't have been invited by Edward anywhere. Edward was going to hurt Emmett for this mess. Emmett was told in no uncertain terms to have no further contact with that cretin. Sure, James was loaded. He could bring much needed capital in this little town, but he was also a monster who treated women horribly. In fact, James made Edward look like the poster boy for the National Organization for Women. Edward and Emmett rushed to help their ladies before the whole night was ruined.

"James, I think you need to lea..." Edward began.

"What escort service did you find these little hoes? I need that number." James continued to leer.

Emmett bellowed, "My baby can beat your ass. She's super cop!

"Stop degrading my date!" Edward frowned at the slimy jerk before him. "She's the owner of the best bakery in the West."

"Isn't that the one I was businesses I was interested in buying? I was planning on sticking a Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt in there!"

"What?" Bella yelled.

"I knew he was up to something!" Rosalie gave a little victory dance. That Edward was going down! 

"It's not what you think!" Edward pleaded.

"Damn my girl has the best boobs!" Emmett exclaimed

That's when all hell broke loose. Garrett rushed in wearing a sandwich board that proclaimed the evils of the town being destroyed by The Cullen's. He quickly looked around to see his Bella standing dressed so beautifully next to the town destroyer, Edward Cullen.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" Garrett asked. Cullen must have kidnapped her.

Bella looked embarrassed. "I'm just standing around and being deceived."

Bella looked so sad that Garrett wanted to comfort her. He thought a kiss would help. That might be a bit misleading, since he really wanted to remove the memory of that giant, Emmett Cullen's lips on his. That's why he grabbed Bella and kissed her hard on the lips.

It wasn't bad in Garrett's opinion. She tasted a bit too sweet, like candy. He had always enjoyed salty things more. Bella just wanted the lips to be on Edward's.

Edward saw this and pushed down Garrett to the floor. Garrett started trying to pull himself up, but the heavy boards kept him down. Edward stood closely in front of Bella and whispered loudly, "Mine!"

Edward kissed Bella like his life depended on it. Bella kissed him back with equal parts anger, disappointment and to her surprise love.

The rest of the partygoers lost interest quickly at the amorous couple for the night's entertainment had arrived. For in the entrance stood the one the only, Jasper dressed as Father Time and little Alice wearing only a diaper and a bikini top as Baby New Year.

Rosalie just shook her head and murmured, "Let the festivities begin."


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Here you go! I hope you like it and please review and let me know what you think! **

**Also, updates for The Little Pink House and Daily Affirmations today!**

Chapter 11: Abraham Lincoln Chocolate Covered Pretzels Cabins

President's Day was a huge holiday in Forks, which meant that Bella's life was on overdrive. She was the primary baker for the town's parade and the Quileutes' Chief's Day Bonfire. Unfortunately, she had a huge problem. She couldn't stop sneezing. It made her drops pans of George Washington head cookies onto the floor. The Abraham Lincoln log cabins made of chocolate covered pretzels, which was Forks version of the Gingerbread House, were crumbling. All of her teeny, tiny, chocolate Indian Chief bites were misshapen by the force of her massive sneezes. It was infuriating and quite a bit disgusting.

The reason for this was bluntly pointed out by Rosalie as Bella piled up her Continental Congress muffins onto a plate on the counter. Rosalie, decked out in full police uniform, exclaimed, "Damn it whore, what are you having in here a wedding or a funeral? This is a bakery, not a florist shop."

"I think I realize that, Rosie. Thank you for stating the obvious," Bella said with a sigh and then a sneeze as she waved a coffee cup at her friend.

"Hook me up, Hooker. Wait… where is Barack?"

Bella pointed to a large bouquet of hydrangeas, tulips and some bizarre leaf that was long and spiny which covered Bella's beloved President Barack Obama full sized cutout. Some women, who are not teenage girls, have cutouts of boys playing vampires; Bella had the president of the nation. She sadly shook her head. "He's hidden by that allergy creating monstrosity."

"This is crazy? Are they all from Ed?" Rosalie thought Edward was once again taking the begging to a new and unnecessary extreme. Bella sneezed again.

"Actually, the overpriced exotics are courtesy of Mr. Cullen. The wildflowers in the mason jars and jugs are from Garrett." Bella had been getting multiple deliveries every day since New Year's. Garrett's wildflowers were apology bouquets for offending her. Edward's were in attempt to woo her. At least this is what Bella could guess concerning the men and their feelings.

"Could you just throw them away?" Rosalie asked as she looked at a sign of her friend's true feelings for the subject. Then Bella's cheeks flushed to the color of a STOP sign. Then Bella let out another sneeze.

Rosalie looked at the lopsided gray haired woman behind the counter who was filling a bin full of stars and stripes butter cookies. "Hey Alice, has Bella been getting giddy about all the floral attention?"

"Rose, I'm Vera today! I have the wig on!" Alice hissed.

"Sweet shit, Alice, why are you still doing this? I know, Jacob isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he can't be that stupid." Then Rosalie noticed what was perched upon Alice's nose. "Where did you get those bifocals?"

"Jasper got them for me out of his costume box!" She squealed. Alice was thrilled by the amount of the time she spent with Jasper working on the finer details of the dance club they were opening on Valentine's Day. They even shared a kiss. Well sort of. Alice tripped and fell onto Jasper which made their lips touch. Even as a mistake, it felt electrifying.

Rosalie fumed, that jerk of a brother of her's stole Nana Hale's glasses! That poor lady had been searching for those spectacles for weeks. She couldn't even read her large print Reader's Digest. Rosalie just put it in the back of her mind; she'd deal with it later. It was President's Day and she was going to be busy laying down the law. She thought the holiday was just an excuse to get drunk on Sam Adams beer and gorge on oversized, turkey legs cooked over an open flame.

"I can't get rid of the flowers, because it's flattering, damn it!" Bella exclaimed and then sneezed before Alice could wax poetic about Bella's blushes, stammers and all over giggling when the flowers arrived. It would have been embarrassing.

Rose could feel her friend's new found attraction an asshole in her bones. The question was which asshole? "Which are your favorites, Bella? Do you love smelly fancy ones or the smelly ones that were stolen from somebody's garden?"

"The fancy ones," Bella stated simply in embarrassment with her head down.

"If you love him, then go for it." Rosalie knew from experience that the Cullen charm was almost impossible to fight off. She couldn't stop throwing herself at Fat Boy.

"That's crazy, Rose, we fight all the time! This isn't close to being love."

"Exactly, that's called passion, lady, which will change to sickening love! You have to embrace it. The rest will fall into place. I am already feeling nauseous at the thought of you two procreating." Rosie was the last person to be Edward's champion, but he made Bella happy, so she would deal.

"Are you ignoring fact that he trying to destroy the town? Bella asked with a sneeze.

Alice exclaimed, "He changed the business plan! I know it was because of you!"

"Are those the same changes that James guy was talking about? For instance the overpriced yogurt shop he wants to put in my bakery space?"

"I promise you with every ounce of being that James is not doing anything concerning Edward's business. That jerk has been trying to ride Edward's coattails, to join Emmett's rap group and get in my pants since preschool. Not one person likes him in my family!" Alice exclaimed, as she pushed up her wig that slipped over her eyelids. Bella sneezed and it fell forward more.

"That reminds me of something hilarious! Emmett wrote a rap for me!" Rosalie clapped her hands together. She was strangely overjoyed that someone would write music for her. Sure, it was gangster rap, but Rosie sincerely believed beggars can't be choosers. "Supposedly, it has a lot of curse words, a shout out to Compton, some talk about doing the down low and the necessary mentions of scalping and respecting the earth."

Bella grinned. "Well this might be the best President's Day ever! Wait did Emmett mention the protection of the wolves?"

"Damn, he forgot the wolves! I better text him and let him know to add another verse." Rosalie dragged her phone out of her pocket and frantically started typing. The Quileutes had very specific things that had to be included in their 'Chief's Day', not 'President's Day' celebration.

"Alice, how are you going to go to parade and the bonfire? Jacob is going to be all over the place today." Bella didn't want her employee, who was slowly becoming a friend to miss out of the festivities.

"It's all planned out, Bella!" Alice beamed at her future sister, for she believed this was destiny. "Vera will be in attendance with her date!"

"You have a date, Alice?" Bella asked in confusion. What happened to her undying love for Jasper Whitlock Hale? It had been a blessing to Bella to have him out of her hair, since his found his kindred spirit.

"Here he is now!" Alice began to bounce as she pointed to the door.

An elderly man with giant, dark framed glasses, shuffled towards the counter using a walker. His balding head had a tuff of white hair flopping over the top in a comb over. His tweed jacket smelled of moth balls and his pangs had seen better days. Rosalie rushed over to help escort him to the counter. She took his arm gently. "Let me help you, sir."

"That would be very kind, young lady." The elderly man wheezed.

Rosalie smiled at him, and then looked closely in his eyes. "Shit, Jasper, what are you up to now?"

"The name is Harvey. Dear Vera needs an escort and I am happy to oblige. Jacob Black seems unhinged and I take protecting Alice from him very seriously." He then winked at Bella. "Hello, there little lady, would like to sit on an old man's lap?

Bella gave him a dirty look; even she thought that Jasper was very sweet to help Alice. She did find it funny that Jasper was calling somebody else unhinged.

She was pondering this when she heard the door open to the store. She looked up and saw Edward walk in with his hands deeply entrenched in the pockets of his pea coat. His handsome face was flushed with the cold and his eyes were shining brightly. Off went Edward's coat and he stood before her in a long sleeve Henley and dark jeans. Bella was amazed and delighted not to see him in a suit. He gave her a smile and quickly kissed her on the cheek. Bella face flamed with her attraction.

"Do you like flowers that I sent?" Edward asked nervously. He was brand new at this. He didn't woo, but deflected the throes of women that threw themselves at him. After Bella ran out after their very public make out session New Year's Eve Edward knew he had to make major declarations of his affection for her. "Alice your wig is falling down."

"Edward, how did you know it's me?" Alice asked in surprise.

"Alice, you look like you are wearing a wig. Hey, Jasper did you pick up that new loofah scrub at the salon, yet?" Edward asked Jasper who was trying to act like he had no teeth.

"How did you know?" Jasper was also at a loss about how his costume failed.

"You smell like jasmine, honey and a hint of oak. It's the Wooden Grove Body Lotion. I have some myself." Edward would know that scent anywhere. "So do you like the flowers, Bella?"

Bella smiled at Edward taking in his discomfort and enjoying it slightly. "They are beautiful. I think you might want to scale it back a bit. I can't fit in all of the bakery foods."

"I will just send them to your house then!" Edward was excited that she thought them beautiful. Then he noticed the mason jars of hodge podge petals. "Where did those come from?"

"Garrett sent them. Get that look off your face, Carrot Top! I'm spending the day with you, not him," Bella grumbled when she noticed Edward's pout.

"You've used Carrot Top before. I googled that guy, he's hideous and looks nothing like me!"

"Did you look in the mirror at the same time as you gazed at Carrot's Top face? It's an eerie resemblance." Bella laughed.

Edward continued to pout. "That's mean, Bella!"

"I'm kidding, Edward! You look very handsome!" Bella gave him a wink. Edward wanted to suck on her face.

"I just need to grab my jacket and we can head to the festivities." Bella turned to Alice. "Yo Vera, you and your suitor can head to the parade after Liam and Peter arrive."

"Liam and Peter don't want to come?" Edward asked.

"No, they find the day a bit tacky."

"I would think they would like all the floats, historical barbecue and puppet scalping? What could possibly be tacky about that?" Edward asked in a snarky tone. "I must say wouldn't this be better in warmer weather."

"It would, but unfortunately, it wouldn't be a Forks holiday if it made any sense." Bella shrugged.

Edward had to agree, the town of Forks certainly walked to the beat of its own drummer.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Edward wondered if a person could have a day that would transform them from the inside and out. Perhaps, it wasn't the day, but the lovely woman he spent it with.

The duo stood on the side of the street, with gloved hands clasped and smiles plastered on their frozen faces. Edward was never comfortable with parades, public events and wearing jeans. However, today he loved it all and was ready to donate every one of his suits to Good Will. This day was amazing and so was that giant float with paper mâché heads of George Washington, George Bush Sr. and George Bush Jr. The heads looked like surprisingly life like!

Bella looked at Edward and his happy and blissful smile. "Pippi Longstocking, are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not at all!" He looked at her and gave a carefree giggle. "I did stick a flask of Scotch in my back pocket to warm us up. Don't tell your dad or we are going to get arrested! It's freezing out here, yet the sun is finally shining! It's funny don't you think?"

"Who are you and where is the real Edward Cullen? Aren't you supposed to be mocking the town's quaint and odd festivities?"

Edward looked at her with huge eyes. "I understand the confusion. I really do! I am just so enthralled with all of this around us! The spectacle of the celebration! The joy of honoring the leaders of our great nation! The way your eyes get bright when you talk about the creativity of your neighbors. The love you have for all of it."

"Umm...okay..." Bella said quietly, taking in his feverish face. He might have gone insane in her opinion.

"I love this town and more importantly, I love you!" Edward grasped Bella's face in his hands. "You are so beautiful. You are so smart. You are the picture of talent and grace. You, Isabella Swan, are more than just your cookies!"

"Edward...I...I..." Bella wanted to explain that she was moving closer to sharing his feelings, but not ready to take the first train to the Funny Farm with him. Before she could tell him this fully, Edward saw that the Lincoln float had stopped in front of them.

"I am going to prove it to you!" He slung Bella over his shoulder and hopped up onto it and sat a shocked Bella on Lincoln's large wooden nose. He yelled, "Here ye, Here ye, good people of Forks! I am here to declare my love for this woman!"

Edward pressed his lips roughly to the wide eyed Bella, as the crowd burst into a confused applause. It was a Ferris Bueller moment for a flummoxed Bella.

"Will you spend Valentine's Day with me, Bella?" Edward asked holding Bella tight.

Bella believed it was best to answer a crazy person with a calm tone. She simply said, "Okay."


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Who is ready for some crazy?**

**Reviews would be lovely! Thank you!**

**Also, a new The Little Pink House and Daily Affirmations have been posted. Please check them out! (Forks will be out by the end of the week hopefully!)**

Chapter 12: Chocolate, Raspberry Puffs

Rosalie was frozen to her very bones and not a happy camper. It was Valentine's Day; she was dressed to the nines and was experiencing the first stages of frostbite. This was not how she was planning on the night to be going.

She punched Emmett in the arm. "Why are we standing outside with the rest of the Forks?"

The foursome that consisted of: Rosalie, Emmett, Bella and Edward were freezing their tail feathers off outside an abandoned warehouse that now was the home of The Forest Fire.

"Why is this any fault of mine? It's your weird brother, Rosie!"

"Don't you dare call my brother weird, you Cro-Magnon! It's your creepy sister that's the problem! She raises Jasper's weird to new levels of bad ideas!"

Bella and Edward looked at each other and felt uncomfortable at the decibel levels that Emmett and Rosalie were achieving. Bella admitted to Edward, "I think Alice and Jasper are great for each other, mostly due to the fact they keep each other busy. I do, however, think that their conjoined brain power led to the massive mistake of the name they gave this place."

"The Forest Fire is quite the bad idea for a town surrounded by woodland. I must agree on that one. Hey, would you like to snuggle for warmth?" Edward asked in a hopeful way. Bella Swan was his siren, but she was also an enigma wrapped in a pretty package. They were like magnets or at least the like two positive poles of magnets. He would move to be attached to her and she would move away from him. Not that he would ever admit this, but Edward Cullen was a bit of a science nerd.

"Let's think about this for a quick second, Lindsey Lohan before the crazy, do you really think I want to snuggle?"

"I would guess no."

"You are correct," Bella agreed and snuggled into Edward's coat. Why snuggle with him when she had already stolen his warm and toasty pea coat.

Bella and Edward had this exchange, while Rosalie and Emmett continued with their angry tirade at each other.

"I have no idea what a Cro…thing is, Rosie! You are just being mean!" Emmett shouted.

"It's a cave man, dummy! That is the perfect description for you, because a gentleman would offer his coat. Here I am wearing this tight, short dress for you and you're making me freeze to death! Edward gave Bella his coat!"

"That's because Edward is two steps away from being called Edna. He's such a chick!" Then Emmett stepped back and took in exactly what or, to be more accurate, how little Rosalie was wearing. "Don't you worry, Baby, Papa Bear will warm you right up!"

Emmett grabbed Rosalie his lips crashing onto hers ferociously. Rosalie was impressed by his manly gusto and returned the favor. Bella just felt ill, by witnessing the sickening spectacle.

"There is seriously something wrong with those two. People are surrounding us! Rosalie is an officer of the law! She should be embarrassed by such a display! Those two are bordering on indecent exposure," Bella ranted.

"I wish we could border on indecent exposure," Edward muttered. "Don't you think Rosalie and Emmett look warm?"

"Nice try, Conan O'Brien, It's not going to work." Bella stuck her hands deeper in Edward's coat pockets. Edward was trying not to get offended by this evening's new nicknames. Conan O'Brien has an abnormally large head. What was she trying to say? Before Edward could demand an apology, Bella announced, "Move it, people, they are letting us in!

Bella shoved the groping Rosalie and Emmett into the large cavernous room. Red lights bounced off walls and tables that looked like tree stumps littered the sitting area. The black walls made you feel closed in and claustrophobic. Bella looked around in wonder. "It's like Dante's Inferno."

Edward added, "The seventh circle of Hell."

"It would make a fucktastic video game," Emmett said in admiration.

Rose slapped him in the head. "What is wrong with you? Don't you have and manners at all? There are ladies present."

"All my manners are right here, Baby!" Emmett grabbed the front of his pants. "I think drinks are needed. I am off to get a beer."

"Are you going to get me anything?" Rose demanded.

"Nope, get it yourself, woman."

"Why, I ought to…" Before Rose could finish her thoughts, Emmett was kissing her again and Rose quickly followed by wrapping her legs around him.

"This is getting ridiculous," Bella remarked to no one in particular. Edward was too busy, his head cocked to the side, taking in the increasing explicit demonstration.

Edward was rudely interrupted from getting a free show starring his brother and Rose, by the arrival or Alice and Jasper. Admittedly, that was somewhat an odd thing to want to watch, but it was more than he expected to get from Bella tonight.

"What do you think?" Alice trilled. The pitch of her voice rang clearly over the loud bass in the background. Between the music and Alice, Bella was developing quite the headache.

"Do you love the club with all your heart, my beloved?" Jasper looked at Bella with a simpering stare. Bella was distracted by the horrible red, velvet waist coat he was wearing. It had ruffled sleeves for goodness sakes! This made sense, in a completely odd way, because it matched his black ruffled shirt and leather pantaloons. Yes, that was the correct word, because they were not any type of conventional slacks.

Bella was convinced that crazy Jasper was channeling a horrible seventies vampire flick or a flamboyantly gay pirate.

"Alice, Jasper asked you a question," Bella said to Alice, as her eyes were now drawn to the giant gold buttons on the jacket. They had fornicating monkeys etched on them. Bella couldn't figure out why anyone in their right mind would make such a thing, never less buy them. Bella didn't know this, which was a good thing, that Alice picked those buttons and designed that very jacket. Alice had a thing for the Pirates of Penzance.

"I was talking to you, love." Jasper felt confused. This was his night. His night to win over his Bella with the concrete evidence that he could support her and their future acting troupe.

Bella grabbed a growling Edward's arm. She rolled her eyes at the pathetic noise he was making, but strangely flattering display of masculine aggression. What did Edward think he was? Did he think he was a junk yard dog trying to protect his bone? What a ridiculous and attractive man. Bella said solemnly, "I am here tonight with Edward, Jasper. Not completely willingly mind you, because he refused my Valentine's Day plans."

"Isabella Swan, I refuse to sit on your couch, eat bad takeout Chinese and watch every episode of LOST. I couldn't sit through the first episode, so I have no idea how you think I can sit through more than that," Edward complained.

Bella looked at him with a scowl. "You have to actually to concentrate on it, Edward! Not play with your Blackberry and mutter things about the writers being high on mushrooms."

"Listen, lady love, it is completely contrived. Those fools just make up mysteries for mysteries sake and I've heard that they almost never solve any of them!"

"You just refuse to give it a chance!" Bella exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. Her face and body flushing. Edward wondered how long they had to make an appearance, before he could take her home and ravage her. That is if she would allow it and not beat him up.

"I tried! You just ogled that dark haired, blue eyed guy from that vampire show!" Edward raged.

Bella looked at him in shock. "You watch that teen vampire show! That's classic! Don't even try to deny it, Raggedy Andy!"

"I'm sorry that the lead actress is a comely, young lady!" Edward was equally flustered. Driving Edward insane was a huge turn on for Bella. "Raggedy Andy is the newest one? Do you just sit at home at night and Google nicknames for me?"

Bella quietly whispered, "Maybe."

Jasper and Alice's heads were going back and forth like they were watching a tennis match.

Bella shook off her embarrassment. "It's too bad really. I might have let you touch my boob, if we were at my house. You're going to be lucky if I let you gently graze my fingers."

"Oh come on!" Edward exclaimed. "You are truly a cruel, cruel woman, Isabella Swan!"

Jasper was confused. How did this happen between his Bella and that fiend, Edward? She had always hated Edward far more than she was annoyed at Jasper. Alice, on the other hand, was elated. If Jasper couldn't see how perfect those two were together then he was blind. How could she show him her true feelings? Obviously, the all red M&M's she brought him daily weren't doing the trick. Alice sorted red M&M'S out of their package every day and placed them in the silvery, silk pouches for Jasper. If that didn't show true love nothing did.

"Bella, are you dating Edward Cullen? If you are, I will throw myself head first off of the cliffs of La Push!" Jasper cried out, throwing his hands toward the sky and falling to his knees.

Bella groaned. "Is it even possible that you are more of a drama queen than Brenda Starr here?"

"Who the hell is Brenda Starr? That proves it! You are Google obsessed and trying to find red heads to annoy me with. By the way, just for your information, I am not a drama queen. I will also be touching your breast tonight," Edward said with determination. Bella liked when he was frustrated and determined. She liked it very much. She did refuse to tell him that she planning on him touching more than her boob tonight. It was going to be a pleasant surprise.

"I think Brenda Starr might be in the adult film industry," Alice chimed in, trying to be helpful.

Jasper exclaimed looking at Alice with a smile. "Oh, a porn star, is she new?"

"Brenda Starr was the heroine of in the comics of the 1940's! She was a famous reporter! What is wrong with you people?" Bella was certain she was surrounded by idiots. She was also certain that she wouldn't be admitting she didn't know who Brenda Starr was until; Bella decided to use Google to find things to mock Edward with. She was amazed at all the new things she was learning from that search engine.

"I apologize that I immediately went to the idea of porn stars, when the important thing is why you are dating Edward Cullen and not me." Jasper looked upset and, Bella noticed, so did young Alice. "My mind just went to porn actresses, because in my youth I dated..."

"Jasper, look at Alice! You are making her sad. This is ridiculous! She likes you, idiot! You can't honestly tell me that by looking at the way she dresses that you two don't belong together?"

There has never been a truer statement thrown out into the cosmos. For Alice Cullen wore a dress entirely made of children's Band-Aids. Toy Story was intersecting Barbie around Alice's waist. There were two cleverly placed Winnie the Pooh's over Alice's bosom. Her arms covered by a plethora of happy go lucky Peanuts characters. Well except for poor Charlie Brown, he was melancholy even in bandage form.

Edward was used to Alice's eccentric wardrobe choices. He gave up being embarrassed in second grade, when Alice decided to wear only her grandmother's floral smocks to school. The early eighties were bad enough in popular clothing, but when Alice decided to get creative? Edward could only shudder in the memory.

Bella's only concern was the poor children of Forks and their inability to feel better after Alice buying all of their Band-Aids. She was going to call Alice on this injustice when Jacob Black came storming over. He yelled, "Alice, where the hell have you been."

He grabbed Alice's thin arm sharply and she yelped. That sound pierced through Jasper Whitlock Hale's very soul. Alice was but a tender and delicate flower, which needed to be protected always and worshipped with epic love. He glanced quickly at the raged filled face of Bella and knew that his love for her might be only of friendship. She was too fierce a goddess for the likes of Jasper. He needed a sweet, creative soul like Alice. He needed a girl, like Alice, who loved dance music, character make up and 24 hour outdoor music festivals.

Before Bella could punch Jacob's gigantic head, Jasper rushed over. "Unhand my love, you..."

One quick punch from Jacob's fist and Jasper landed flat of his back.

Alice let out a scream and flailed in Jacob's tight embrace. Edward rushed over to save his sister and thank Jasper for his lame attempt to protect his sister's honor. He still believed that the guy wasn't good enough for his sister, but he was way better than that jerk, Jacob Black. Edward attempted to remove Alice from Jacob's hand when after another quick punch; he too ended up next to Jasper on the floor.

Bella sighed. She walked up to Jake and questioned, "Jake?"

"Yeah?" Jake answered looking confused. Then Bella's small fist went up his nose.

Jacob dropped Alice and both his hands clutched his bleeding nose. "Aww, Bells..."

"Go home, Jacob Black before I call my father." Bella pointed to the door and Jacob walked out slowly, his figurative tail between his legs. Bella cradled her hand. "Damn that hurt."

Alice rushed over and threw her arms around Bella. She exclaimed, "My hero!"

"What about me?" Jasper whimpered from the floor.

"Oh baby!" Alice knelt down by him. "Thank you so much for trying! It was an 'A +' for effort!"

Jasper reached up and cradled her small face. "I am so sorry that I have been blind to what's been before me. Will you ever forgive me?"

"Kiss me and all is forgiven." Alice's hand touched one of his that resided on her face.

As Jasper's mouth touched Alice's, Bella's eyes moistened. Stupid, February allergies!

She felt a hand on her shoulder, turning she saw a black eyed Edward staring at her. The literal black eye clouded his pretty face. He asked with a sultry smile, "Where's mine?"

"Where's your what? I think you need to get me an ice pack, after I just saved you and the Pirate King down there. If you think I am going to make out with you in gratitude then you are seriously mistaken." Bella tried to move her fingers. She was certain her poor hand was broken. Jacob Black was a dead man. She was somewhat considering feeding the big oaf some ex-lax filled brownies. The problem would be that it could tarnish her baking reputation of excellence. Darn it, she would just have to find justice in a less creative fashion. "It hurts like a bitch!"

"Oh Isabella, your hand is swelling!" Edward took her red and puffy hand into his and kissed the knuckle softly.

Bella winced at Edward's touch. "Not that I don't appreciate the sweet gesture, because as bizarre as this sounds, I really do. Unfortunately, I think we need to finish up this date in the hospital. Do you think your dad can wrap up this thing?"

"Right that would be a good idea!" Edward wanted to scoop up his injured Isabella and whisk her out of the warehouse, Officer and a Gentleman style. A grand romantic gesture would be a perfect way to continue Valentine's Day, even when his love was so grievously injured.

Before Edward could embarrass poor Bella with another demonstration of his amore, a tall, comely, platinum blonde rushed over to Edward. Her amazing hair hung straight down her back, which made Bella curse her frizzy, dirt colored locks. She wore a black dress that fit like a glove and expertly walked in a pair of red high heels. Bella was decidedly not happy with this woman interrupting the already disaster filled evening.

"Edward, are you alright?" The woman asked, worry etched all over her face. "Do you think I should call the authorities?"  
>"I'm fine, Katherine, it's my Isabella that needs medical attention!" Edward looked at the woman with a somber look. "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to look at those documents?"<p>

"I do get to have a night off, Edward Cullen!" The woman, Katherine, laughed.

Bella was not amused. "I am sorry to interrupt your powwow here, but I am getting a little woozy from the pain radiating off my hand. Who are you anyway?"

It should be noted that in general, Bella Swan wasn't the friendliest person in Forks to begin with. This was even less so, when in intense pain.

"I forgot to introduce you two! Isabella Swan, this is Katherine Tate Denali, my family's lawyer."

"Okay," Bella shrugged. She was in too much pain to care.

Katherine coolly took in the cranky, brunette who had captivated the normally untouchable Edward Cullen. "Who are you to Edward, Miss Swan?

Bella didn't like the woman's tone. She answered without fully thinking it through, "Edward's girlfriend."

Edward's heart felt as if it would burst out of his chest in joy. Isabella was his woman! She had finally voiced it to an actual, living, breathing person! He grabbed his lady by the waist and pulled her close, crushing her broken hand against his chest. He cried out, "You have made me the happiest man alive!"

Bella was immediately pulled into a searing kiss by the giddy Edward. He was consumed by passion, while Bella was immersed in an intense throbbing. Edward pulled away slightly and looked deep in her tear filled eyes. "Are you so overcome with happiness that it is bringing tears of joy, my love?"

She could only think of one thing to say in return. "Damn it, Edward, my hand hurts!"


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: This installment is brought to you by the movies, The Fighter starring Marky Mark and Christian Bale, The Town starring Ben Affleck and The Boston Celtics. (Rondo!) I am in no way trying to say anything bad about the Irish or Boston. Number one, I'm part Irish. Number two, I love Boston to bits. (It's where I met my husband!) Number three, Melissa Leo rocked in The Fighter and she was the inspiration for the beginning of the chapter. In conclusion, this is supposed to be funny and not at all serious. Have a Guinness and a laugh.**

**Please enjoy and review! Thanks!**

Chapter 13: Irish Soda Bread

Liam adored St. Patrick's Day. His family originally haled from Boston, the old country had been left so long ago that their Irish brogue had been replaced with 'Wicked Smart' and 'those damn Yanks'. The family as a whole had an inbreed hatred of everything associated with those vile New York Yankees. Liam's memories were filled parades, his Ma's overcooked corned beef and copious amounts of beer drunk by almost all the ruddy faced Sullivan clan. The family's universal dress code was Boston Celtic Jerseys and Kiss Me I'm Irish pins.

He looked around quickly to see if his cranky boss was around, Bella had been an absolute bear since she broke her hand. The only person, surprisingly, that had she been pleasant to since her injury was the fine piece of ass, Edward Cullen. Liam whispered in the phone, "It's going be a wicked smart party, Siobhan. I got the Guinness and Harp."

"That's 'effin good there, brother. Maggie, get that gunk off you 'effin face! That girl looks like a street walker." Liam heard his sister scream at her daughter. He could just imagine the two screaming at one another, their red faces matching their hair.

"Aww, effin' hell, Ma, you can't tell me shit!" Maggie yelled back.

Siobhan screamed, "You kiss your Nan with that mouth? Get in your room! It's that boy she's dating, Liam. The kid wears a Derek Jeter jersey! What the hell is that?"

"Blasphemy, sister, that's what it is," Liam had to agree. "Can't she find a nice lad who likes to wear a Paul Pierce or a David Ortiz?"

"I know, its effin' queer! I've seen the little jerk wearing a Knicks baseball cap."

Maggie wailed, "Ma, I'm marrying Andre."

"I swear to the Virgin Mary, over my dead body! That boy is an effin' queer!" Siobhan yelled back.

"I'm an effin' queer," Liam admonished.

Siobhan apologized, "Sorry there, brother! That reminds me tell that silly fairy, Peter, I said hey."

Liam felt a tap, tap and tap on his shoulder. He turned and saw a frowning Bella behind him. "Hey, Siobhan, I got to go. Talk to you later!"

"Liam, shouldn't you be filling the bins with rolls?" Bella tapped her foot in disapproval. "I am trying to bake with one hand in the kitchen, while you are chatting away up here."

"We really should switch. I can do the bake..." Liam began, as Bella scowl deepened. "Listen, Bella, I was talking about my party for St. Patrick's Day with my sister. The whole family will be there. Bring your man and come join us."

"No thanks. I can think of a million things I rather do then watch your family get sloshed."

Those Sullivan's were crazy drunks who liked to sing Irish ditties, loudly and off key. After last year's vomiting cabbage debacle, she was surprised that Liam was attempting it again. Bella still couldn't get the whiskey vomit stains from Cousin Malachi off her favorite purple shirt. That taught her that not wearing green with a bunch of drunken Irishmen caused projectile up chuck. Not to mention all the bruises from the pinching.

Peter strolled out of the kitchen carrying a tray full of pastries, his bottom wiggling to the music in his head. Bella was sure it was some obnoxious disco. "Liam, my angel, is cranky pants giving you a hard time? Bella, maybe if your man gave you a little bit of his hard time you could give my man a break."

"She is trying to get out of the Sullivan Annual Irish Fest!" Liam exclaimed to his lover.

"Little Bella, for shame, why would you do such a thing? It is an annual event where you will sit with me and we shall catcall Liam's inebriated family. I can't do this without you!" Peter threw up his hands in frustration. What a drama queen.

Before Bella could call Peter on the real reason he wanted her to go to the shindig, hint, hint, because he didn't want to be there himself, Chief Charles Swan pulled in Jacob Black by his ear. He was followed closely by Billy and Rosalie. Bella was about to throw out the whole lot of them, but Charlie said in a most solemn tone, "Isabella, this boy has some apologizing to do. Get out the letter and start reading, boy."

"Dad..." Jacob whined.

His unforgiving father shook his head at his disappointment of a son. "Jacob, start apologizing before I put you on my knee and give you a real reason to whine."

Jacob whimpered and Rosalie pushed a piece of paper into his hand. He began to read from the paper, "Dear Isabella, I must...apol...apolog...Rosalie I can't read your writing!"

"It's typed, you idiot." Rosalie rolled her eyes. This was painful. She should have known better then have given him complex words to read. His reports for work were on par with toddler picture books. A true fact, due to Jacob's reports had been known to contain badly drawn images and words like, 'Go', 'No Stop'. "Give it to me and just look sad and nod."

"Dear Isabella, I must apologize for my abhorrent behavior. While my family is upstanding members of the community, I acted like I was raised by wolves. Please, feel free to slap me upside the head..." Rosalie read.

Jacob quickly interrupted, "I would never say that, Rosalie! I don't even know what some of those words mean. My letter would say, what's up babe. Sorry your hand is busted up, but next time watch out for my muscles. These guns are made for love not fighting. Feel free to kiss..."

The group stared at him in amazed shock at his cluelessness until Peter began to clap, "Brilliant, Jacob Black, you amaze me with your lack of common sense. It is hilarious!"

Jacob just glowered at Peter. Surprisingly, Jacob stopped all the slurs he was thinking of spewing on the giggling man. Jacob, had a small amount of self-preservation, which was telling him it would be a really bad idea to open his mouth with his father and boss so close be. Not to mention, Rosalie scared the beejebus out of him.

Bella just looked at the nuts and sighed, knowing they meant well. She had been in a terrible mood all week and it was all her fault. Bella Swan had zero ability to handle pain, which meant her poor hand was absolutely killing her. It might have helped if she would have at least had some Tylenol, but she thought the pain would make her stronger. Instead, it made her insufferable and a pain to be around. It would be a lot easier for her to bite the bullet and take a pill, but that would be admitting defeat and Isabella Marie Swan would never do such a thing.

"Please, just leave. I don't need a made up apology from the idiot. Unless, you are planning on purchasing some bake goods, then by all means stay and eat." Bella pointed to the door with her good hand.

Rosalie had enough of Bella's cranky disposition. Let Bella be that way with everyone else, but not with her. They were two peas in a pod and they should only use their surly behavior on the proper people like Jacob. This Bella was not a joy to be around and it was going to stop now.

"Peter, my darling, do you have an aspirin in that man purse of yours?" Rosalie inquired.

"If you mean my masculine satchel, of course I do, doll face." Peter grabbed his bag from under the counter. He pulled out a small bottle of pills and tossed it to the imposing blond. "Honey, if you are doing what I think you are doing then bless your heart! I was afraid that Miss Swan would bite off my finger if I even tried."

Bella backed up slowly against a bin of baguettes. She muttered, "What..."

"Open up, Bella!" Rosalie hopped over the counter and using her police skills pried open Bella's mouth to slip in the Tylenol. Bella began to try to spit out the tablets, when Rosalie with the dexterity of a ninja brought a cup of coffee to her irate friend's lips making her drink down the bitter mixture.

Bella sputtered indignantly, "Dad, you just let her do that?"

"Well, kiddo, I guess I just did," Charlie drawled slowly, rubbing his mustache reflectively. "It had be done, Bells, for the good of the citizens of Forks. Wouldn't you agree, Billy?"

Billy nodded slowly in agreement. "You had no choice, Charlie. We should head out on the boat in a bit. I here tell that the fish are plentiful near old man Lester's."

"That sounds good, Bill. We have to stop by to get your boy to apologize to little Alice." Charlie said, thinking how they could finish the apologizing and get to the fishing.

Bella took a large bite of a strawberry Danish trying to banish the taste of the Tylenol and coffee combo. She loved coffee, but you just can't use it to wash down pills. Then she looked at the smile on Jacob's face when Alice was mentioned. Bella knew he was up to something where that crazy, tiny girl was concerned. It wasn't right for Alice to see the big galoot, when she had been trying so hard to hide from him. Truth be told, Bella had been growing fond of the girl and wanted to help her.

"Please, I beg of you, do not subject Alice to this cretin," Bella implored.

Jacob look confused. "What's a cretin? Anyway, what's it to you Swan? I bet Alice wants to see me. She's probably tired of kissing that gay boy."

"Liam, my sweet, have been kissing our dear Alice?" Peter asked his eyes lit with mischief.

Liam answered with a smirk, "No my angel, I have not. I thought it was you locking lips with the adorable child."

"Not I, but I have heard that she is in a relationship with the well dressed, Jasper Hale." Peter looked at Jacob's ripped Megadeath tee-shirt and acid wash jeans with a sneer. "It looks like Alice has moved up in the world."

Jacob face was livid and he gripped one of the chairs so tightly it cracked.

"Hey, you owe me a new chair!" Bella yelled. "I have an idea. Let's not bother Alice with..."

"I wrote an outstanding apology for Alice! It has big words and it's in iambic pentameter," Rosalie huffed at Bella.

"Then old buddy, old pal, I suggest you send over to Eric Yorkie at the Forks Sentinel. He would do anything for you." Bella was correct, because Eric, who was the editor of the local paper, was madly in lust for Rosie since high school. He would leave puddles of slobber throughout the hallways of Forks High as Rosalie walked past.

"Bella, what will Jacob learn if we don't humiliate him?" Rosalie asked with a pout.

"Rose, my idea has the answer." Bella knew what would piss Jacob off more than anything else. "Jacob Black, you are banned from my establishment. No donuts, bagels or favorable muffin will enter your mouth."

"I love them!" Jake cried, tears coming into his eyes. "Also, Alice works here."

Bella smiled with glee. "Exactly, Jake, come in here and you will be arrested."

"I'm a cop," Jake snarled.

"I'll arrest you myself, boy," Charlie warned.

Jacob shut up fast.

Bella continued her verdict like a judge of the highest court in the land, "If you behave yourself for one year, I might feel generous. Should this happen I will give you a gift if three day old pastries for the holidays. You might think why wouldn't Bella just give you freshly baked goods? Well, Jake, you have to work up to that and it's going to take a very long time."

Charlie clapped his hands happily. "It's fishing time, Billy!"

"I wanted to talk to Ali..." Jake began to plead.

"Son, you are going to be spending the day cleaning your room." Billy grabbed his boy's arm and gave Bella a wave. "We'll be going now. I do apologize for the boy's behavior. Charlie are you ready to catch a big one?"

"I sure am!" Charlie gave Bella a quick and unusual kiss on the forehead. "You be good, girl. If your arm hurts, take something. I'll sic Rose on you again if you don't."

"Okay, old man, I'll listen. Have fun and catch a bunch of fish." Bella waved at them as they left. She turned to Rosalie and frowned. "Why is your crazy still here?"

"I had to deal with Jacob Idiotic Black all morning. I need coffee and a muffin to lift my spirits."

"I can give you coffee and a muffin, but the memories of spending time with Jacob I cannot erase, you poor thing." Bella passed Rosalie some sustenance and observed her texting. "Who are you messaging?"

Rosalie looked up and gave a grimace in embarrassment. "It's Emmett. He's in Port Angeles finding us matching green outfits for Liam's shindig."

"You have got to be kidding me!" Bella was in shock. Rosalie Hale would never get matching ensembles with any man. "What has Emmett Cullen done to my best friend?"

"I think it's a brilliant idea!" Peter exclaimed with a bounce. Please tell your hot piece of man meat not to make it Celtics gear. My head is already starting to pound at the amount of shamrock basketball gear that will be in my home," Peter implored Rosalie. He then looked at Liam who was shooting daggers at him. "Oh baby, you can wear your silly gear. It's hot."

Liam chose to ignore his ignorant boyfriend. He couldn't expect good taste from a fan of the Miami Heat. Instead, he asked Bella, "What do are you and Edward wearing?"

"I already told you we are not attending! Edward and I can hang on my couch, eat soda bread with butter and watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People!"

Bella was facing the shelves of pastries, when she felt two strong arms wrap around her. "Where are we not going?"

Edward Cullen.

"Liam's St. Patty's debacle, Anne Margret, is what we are not attending."

Rosalie hollered, "If I'm going, so is your skinny butt!"

"Of course we are going, silly. I've planned our outfits. You wouldn't want our greens to clash." Edward proceeded to kiss down her ear. "Who's Anne Margret?"

A snotty voice answered, "Some B movie actress from the fifties."

Bella frowned. It was that stuck up attorney, Katherine again. "Don't you dare say one negative thing about the great Anne Margret! She was in Bye Bye Birdie for goodness sake's!"

"Is that a movie, Sweetheart? Let's watch it together. Is it horrible to everyone, but you? Your taste in movies is questionable. However, I'll watch your crap with a smile!" Edward exclaimed, his arms tightening on his lady love. He laughed when she turned to look at him and stuck out her tongue. "Can you skip out early? Maybe, we can leave right now?"

Katherine looked at Edward in distaste. What happened to the virile and angry man that with her assistance would destroy small businesses for a huge profit? Then at the end of the day, ravage her on the conference room table? This was the influence of weird and quirky baker. Katherine hated weird and quirky with a passion.

"We have business to conduct, Mr. Cullen," Katherine stated, her lips pursed like she ate a sour lemon.

"Come on, Katie!" Edward whined. How had he never noticed how inflexible she was out of the bedroom? She was no fun. His Bella was loads of snarky fun. Edward was seriously considering new legal representation. "Why don't I send you a list of what I want you to do and you do it."

Katherine hated being called Katie.

"Mr. Cullen, it is in your best interest that we go through all your changes line by line. May I be blunt, sir?" Katherine asked, with a scowl towards Bella. Edward nodded in affirmative. "The things you are suggesting are ludicrous and bad business."

"Fine, we may discuss your narrow minded of view of business, but I insist we do it in here and eating my lady's delicious scones. Liam, my friend, scones and coffee please."

Katherine scoffed, "No thank you, sir. I'm not a fan of sweet things."

Bella was not at all surprised by the woman's sour disposition. Sweet things in her life would do her a world of good. She heard Rosalie laugh and make funny faces behind Katherine's back. Bella had to smile and was given another dirty look by Katherine.

Liam gave Edward thumbs up and Bella gave him a quizzical look. She said, "I could have gotten that for you?"

"No, my angry little minx, I want you to sit here on my lap. I need your Machiavellian input."

"You know I would never..." Bella began, but with one look at Katherine's face, she plopped herself in Edward's lap with her good arm wrapping around his shoulder. Rosalie spit out her coffee with a guffaw. "I am a simple chef, not an evil mastermind."

"You can be quite evil when you want to be. You should embrace it." Edward grinned at his good luck. He never knew about Bella's jealous streak, but he liked it. "Now let's get down to business."

Two hours later, Katherine was so angry she was shaking. Bella was smiling like the cat that ate the canary. Rosalie was still enjoying the show and was ignoring Emmett's texts. Edward, well he was still enjoying all the feeling of having Bella still on his lap. Unfortunately, it was losing its luster somewhat. Having five cups of coffee really made you need to use the bathroom, as Edward was now experiencing.

What was accomplished at this meeting? Not much, because Katherine refused to make the lunatic's changes to all the contracts.

"Angela Webber will not be getting an 85 percent ownership of the bookstore, Edward! Just buy her out and make a huge profit selling it to Barnes & Noble!" Katherine started clicking her pen at a rapid pace. This was what she did when angry. The faster the click, the angrier the attorney was.

"No, Miss Webber stays. Please note to make sure all the contractors making the repairs on the building are environmentally friendly."

Katherine's head went down onto the tabletop and she banged it three times. Bella laughed. Rosalie laughed. Liam and Peter were canoodling in the storage room.

"Could we please discuss Miss Swan's business?" Katherine asked with a growl. "This number is offensive to business people everywhere."

Bella wrinkled her nose. "I signed nothing, lady. This little place is mine."

"He's offering you 90 percent ownership, you idiot." Katherine looked at the woman like she was crazy.

"Don't you dare call her an idiot!" Edward admonished. "Even though, Isabella, it would be idiotic not to take the deal."

"No thank you."

"Isabella, you know this is a wonderful chance for us to be partners," Edward pleaded.

"No."

Katherine watched them bicker with a scowl. Then she just had to open her mouth. "You should have listened to me and bought her mortgage from the bank! Then you could have sold the whole thing to James for a million. This woman is a moron."

Bella jumped up and pointed at the door, "Get out!"

"You're fired!" Edward stood up pointing to the door.

Katherine looked at them her eyebrows raised. "I'll talk to you later, Mr. Cullen. Obviously, you aren't thinking straight right now."

She gathered her things and strolled out of the bakery.

"I fired her, right? You heard me say it?" Edward questioned. Why wasn't Katherine crying and pleading? He must be getting soft.

"Maybe, she's in shock?" Bella questioned, not really caring. "Would you like some more coffee, Wilma Flintstone?"

Edward pushed past Bella in a rush and into the bathroom.

XXXXXX

A couple of days later, Bella woke up in a daze. Where was she?

Bella looked down to see her chest was covered by a Celtics Jersey. That was it, because the rest of her was nude.

What the hell? Then Bella remembered that yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. What happened at Liam and Peter's party?

She heard a groan.

Bella looked next her to see a naked Edward. Actually, he was not completely naked. He had a white towel wrapped around his waist and a Celtics sweat band wrapped around his forehead.

He looked up at Bella, his eyes crusted with sleep. "My head hurts."

"Mine does too. I think we drank too much." Bella knew how he felt; her head was being attacked by a jackhammer.

She suddenly remembered taking shots of Irish Whisky with Liam's cousin, Patrick.

"Was I any good?" Edward asked randomly.

"Good at what?"

Edward looked down at his towel wrapped nudity. "When we made sweet love last night?"

"You call this aftermath sweet love? If I don't remember it, then it wasn't sweet love," Bella scoffed. "Where are we?"

Edward remembered suddenly playing beer pong with his sister, Jasper and some chick named Bridget.

"Isn't this Liam and Peter's bedroom?" Edward inquired, though somehow he doubted it.

"Negative, Edward, the room's way too garish in a hotel way."

Bella then had a flashback of Rosalie trying to kiss Emmett who was cramming corned beef down his throat.

"What happened last night?" Edward was so confused, but he knew something huge happened and it wasn't a part of his anatomy.

"I'm not sure..." Bella began, then an image of flickering lights lining a long stretch of pavement, the fastening seat belts while sitting on some extremely comfortable seats and a roar of a very loud engine. Then clear as a bell, Emmett's voice flooded Bella's throbbing head. He had screamed, "Vegas, baby!"

Bella's face lost all color and she whispered, "It was a plane. We were on a plane. We're in Las Vegas."

"You mean we went on my private plane?" Edward asked. His dreams of flying started to make a lot of sense.

"You have a private plane? Who do you think you are, King Midas? Actually, I take that back. Queen Elizabeth is more like it."

"Are you referencing the present Queen of England or the virgin one?" Edward asked seriously.

"The latter queen, because of the red, Red."

"That's silly, baby. You know I'm definitely not a virgin." Edward cracked himself up, while Bella looked at him like he was ridiculous. Then Edward noticed the back of the shirt Bella was wearing. "Who the heck is Allen and why are you wearing his shirt?"

"Ray Allen, three pointer superstar of the Celtics. Do you know anything about sports?"

"No, I don't Bella. I am important man in business. How do you know?" Edward learned new things about Bella every day.

"I watch ESPN with Charlie," Bella stated as if talking to an infant. "That doesn't matter, what matters is why we are barely clothed and in another state."

That's when a giggling Peter burst in the room with a digital camera. "I need to get picture of the newlyweds the morning after their big night! It looks like you two consummated the hell out of the marriage. This will be smashing in the wedding album, I'm making you!"

"What?" Bella and Edward screamed in unison.

They looked at each other and then down at their hands. Two, thin bands of gold shone at them like a taunt.

Edward gave a fist pump and Bella fainted.

That marked the first day of marriage for Mrs. and Mr. Cullen.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: Here it is the next crazy installment of The Ugly Duckling Bakery!**

**A huge thank you to my amazing Beta, Sunflower3759, who makes my words make sense. She is probably questioning my crazy after this chapter.**

**I am writing The Little Pink House now, so those who are reading that one it should be out soon.**

**Thank you for all the new follows and reviews! I appreciate every single one of them. To know that you all enjoy my silly has been wonderful. Writing is my stress relief and to know I can make people laugh is just the icing on the cake.**

**Disclaimer: You know who doesn't own Twilight? Me.**

Chapter 14: Wedding Cake

It hadn't been a hard decision to call in sick to the bakery. Liam was extremely understanding of Bella's 'illness'; his guilt about getting her in such a predicament was enough that he was willing to grovel as long as needed. Peter was going to harass her all morning and Alice would be trying to do horrible things like hug her poor boss. It really was Liam's fault for pushing her into coming to the party in the first place. Irish Whisky was a wicked mistress and it certainly lived up to its wicked reputation.

Bella was fine about making Liam suffer, so even though she was in hiding, she would call him constantly and make him fetch her goodies. He was her personal delivery boy. Shades drawn, her feet tucked underneath her body, Bella sat on the sofa and watched Days of Our Lives. Bella was trying to be patient as she waited for her much needed hamburger and fries. She was not willing to chance going out on her own and risk seeing her new, brother in law. The thought alone made her cringe. Fat Boy Cullen had a permanent stool at the diner and she was sure his behind had left imprints that made its ownership very well known.

It was amazing, in Bella's humble opinion, how idiotic soap operas are when trying to show the intricacies of the real world. People that actually existed would never do the crazy things or say the nonsense that was spouted on these shows. Seriously, why would the heroine of the show ever marry her arch nemesis? Sure, he was an attractive British man, but all they did was fight and have sex. He was trying to steal her beauty supply business. A quickie marriage in a land far away was nonsense. Who did that?

Her mouth dropped open, in realization, of how her life was mirroring a daytime serial. It was as if the life of Isabella Marie Swan was now delving into fiction. She was becoming a living interpretation of those horrendous chick lit books. The stories that Rose refuses to admit she reads, even though she does. The ones that tell a tale of a stupid girl doing even 'stupider' things for an idiot man. Even worse, what if her life was now like those fan fictions that Alice was always reading on her phone, instead of working. Bella almost canceled the Wi-Fi at the bakery, because of Alice's obsession withreading stories based on vampire porn at work.

Life was a mess, a big stinky mess that made no sense in the least. Bella popped a packaged, processed, mass produced, chocolate cookie in her mouth. It was like eating a piece of dessert blasphemy, but Bella deserved no better. A wedding to a red headed idiot in Vegas would be considered the most ridiculous thing that she ever did. Actually, it will probably rank in the top ten. Bella was a champ at doing the ridiculous.

Bella sighed and ripped open a big bag of potato chips with a groan. Maybe, if she ate her weight in unhealthy snacks and drank a pool full of carbonated, sugary beverages, than Edward would turn and run his attractive butt to whatever hole he came out of. Relationships should be slow, and take many years to develop. Also, the participants of said relationships should spend as much time as possible apart. Bella loved routines, and having a man in her life was ruining it.

The doorbell buzzed, jarring her from stuffing her face with the salty goodness. Bella took the remote that was attached to her side and paused the television, the image of the sexy British man in the suit filling the screen. He kind of reminded her of a dark haired Edward. He was hot. Edward was hot. She, once again, hated to admit this. Bella also wondered if it was possible to get drunk off of copious amounts of salt and sugar.

Bella stumbled to the door, her tattered Hello Kitty robe hanging off one shoulder and her brown locks a tangled mess. Her greasy hands clutching the potato chip bag, she was not looking her best. Bella threw open the door to grab her bag of greasy meat, when she fell into a pair of muscular arms. A husky voice growled, "Good afternoon, Wife, I... What the hell are you wearing?"

"Clothes," Bella muttered into Edward's chest. She tried to banish the inappropriate need to lick him.

"That robe is a monstrosity." Edward was appalled and wished she would remove it. Mostly, in the hope she was naked underneath.

Bella scowled at him. "Don't you bust on the kitty. Why are you here?"

"Why does it smell like moth balls?" Edward completely ignored Bella's question.

Bella huffed and pushed against Edward's stomach to move away from him. He was way too close and way too tempting. Unfortunately for the waffling Bella, Edward had other ideas.

He clasped her hands tightly and forced her back to his arms. "Kiss me hello, Wife."

Edward's lips went down to Bella's and he kissed her hard. His tongue pushed into her mouth and started caressing hers. To his happy surprise, she wrapped her arms around his waist. He twisted his hands into her hair, hoping that this would be the turning point of their relationship.

He was incorrect, because Bella pulled her head away and scowled. "Thanks for the action, Vincent Van Gogh, but you can leave now."

"Bella, I can't leave. This is my home, too."

"You are warped, Buddy." She escaped from his arms and headed towards the couch where she flopped down. "You can't live here. We are getting this thing annulled."

"We consummated the union, Isabella," Edward disagreed in exasperation. He moved towards her and she threw a pillow at his head.

"Stay back, you red headed siren!" Bella put her hands up in a defensive pose. "There is no actual proof of any consummation of anything that night."

"We were naked!"

"I had a shirt on!"

Edward laughed and wiggled his eyebrows. "You were one hundred percent naked underneath, baby. I can remember slightly that my hands gripped those beautiful bare hips of yours and taking my di..."

"Please stop, because I do not want to hear it!" Bella placed her hands on her ears and started humming for a minute. She took her hands away and looked angrily at a chuckling Edward. "You are not funny, Dumb Ass. Liam is going to be here any minute with my cheeseburger. Get out!"

"Emmett is eating it outside right now."

"That was my lunch!" Bella was going to suffocate him with the potato chip bag.

Edward gave her a condescending look. "Sweetheart, your breath is already rank from all the other junk you've been consuming. I brought you a lovely spinach and chicken wrap from the new deli that Alec Scott opened."

"I want grease!"

"I want us to have a long and joyful marriage without one of us keeling over with a coronary." Edward tried to get her to see the sense he was making.

Another pillow flew and hit him on his upper thigh.

Edward pinched his nose with a sigh. "Darling, I will bring in your lunch. Emmett and I will start bringing in my things."

"Go home to your momma. Talk to me about this marriage thing in five years." Bella popped another chip into her mouth. "I need to order another burger."

"I am moving in."

"You are not! I am going to call Charlie and have him arrest you!" Bella narrowed her eyes willing him to disappear.

Edward sat next to his cranky love and wrapped his arms around her flailing body which made the chips fly through the air like confetti. Bella looked in horror. "You spilled my chips!"

"Oh simmer down, my hellcat, I'll buy you some veggie chips," Edward kissed the squirming Bella on the head. "Charlie is coming over anyway to help me unload my things."

"You told him?" Bella was about to have a nervous breakdown.

"Of course, I did. He's my new father-in-law." Edward knew that he would have to take matters into his own hands when it came to Charles Swan. Bella was becoming a master of avoiding the matter at hand.

"What did he say?" Bella inquired nervously. Her father was going to kill her.

Edward hugged her closer. "He muttered something about you shouldn't have gotten drunk."

"That was it?"

"That was it. He did add that it was your own fault." Edward chuckled and added, "Oh, and I am also supposed to call him Dad."

Bella buried her head in her hands. "This mess is getting worse and worse."

Bella felt her hands being pulled away from her face and Edward kissed her nose. He then followed to her forehead. Bella looked at him with worried eyes.

"What are you doing?" She asked quietly.

"I need to be close to you, Bella." Edward ghosted his lips over her shoulder and choked on the musty robe. "This thing is disgusting. Can we please burn it? I beg of you!"

"This is not how these things are supposed to work, Ronald McDonald. We date for years. Then you ask me to marry you at a major league baseball game. I will act all embarrassed that it was broadcast on the jumbo screen. Then we have a five year engagement and randomly decide to hit up the Justice of the Peace. It's the plan I made when I was a little girl. I used my Barbie Dolls to act it out," Bella explained.

Edward looked at her like she was nuts. "You actually had your Barbies go to the Justice of the Peace?"

"Of course, I did. They fit the wedding into their lives of being famous astronauts and presidents. What did you think I did with them?"

"Alice liked to dress them up and make them go on dates." Edward said remembering when he had to play Barbie with his sister. He liked to sneak peeks of their boobs.

Bella said with a sad laugh, "I liked having feminist Barbies. It made me the strong woman I am today. Love is a distraction."

"Love is a compliment to a complete life," Edward explained taking in Bella's dubious look. "I know I wasn't always the biggest proponent for that ideal, but truthfully that was before I met you. We make no conceivable sense, I get that. Honestly, you are mean to me most of the time, but I like it. I like that you are snarly. I love that you are an odd woman obsessed with things staying in the past."

"That's the worst compliment ever."

Edward kissed her head. "Fine, you are smoking hot and I want to bone you."

"There you go with those pretty words again."

"It doesn't hurt to give this thing a go. We could, and this is a novel idea, end up being extremely happy." Edward gazed in her eyes trying to convey his deep feelings.

Bella noticed that Edward's eyes had dried pieces of that crust that one would wake up with in the morning. "You have sleep crust in your eyes. I am surprised you forgot to wipe it up, Pippi Longstocking. You are usually so meticulous."

"Bella!" Edward exclaimed. "I am trying to share my feelings here. I am man who can usually snap his fingers and get what he wants. Begging for your affection, not in an attempt to have sex, is a pretty big deal for me!"

"Fine, I am sorry to hurt your delicate feelings." Bella got up and threw her hands in the air. It was better to have distance when discussing pesky subjects like love and affection. He smelled too nice and it made her ditsy. A ditsy Bella is a frisky Bella, which would be a very bad idea indeed. "I am bad at this, too. I don't believe in love. I believe in being tough and working hard! Wait, I just thought of something."

Edward laid his head down on the back of the couch. He had no idea what was going on in that crazy head of hers. "What now?"

"You just want to move out of your Mommy's house! You have plenty of money, Momma's Boy. Get an apartment!" Bella picked up one of the previously tossed pillows and whacked Edward's head with it.

"Could you please refrain from hitting me with objects from our home? Honestly, Woman, you are bordering on abusive here." Edward hopped off the couch and wrapped his arms around his little lunatic. "I want to be with you! Can you please get that through your thick skull?"

Bella lost the will to fight the inevitable. Actually, it was probably the smell of his manly musk, making her want to stick her tongue down Edward's throat. "Fine, but you promise me one thing. You stop trying to control my life, Edward. If I want to eat a hamburger, I will eat one."

"Okay, I will try to curb my obsessive tendency to control everything," Edward said this with a grimace. An Edward who couldn't make everyone bend to his will was an unhappy Edward indeed. However, he would do this for Bella.

"Then we have a deal, Pippi." The smelly robe was slipped off her pale shoulders and fell into a heap on the floor. She wore only a threadbare New Kids on the Block tee shirt and sleep shorts. It wasn't the sexiest ensemble, but Edward loved it anyway. Bella wrapped her legs around Edward's waist with a squeal. She placed her lips on his and rammed her tongue in his mouth.

Edward was shocked, but amazingly pleased. He enjoyed the feeling of her lips caressing his and, sure her breath reeked from all the junk food she had been consuming, but beggars couldn't be choosers. His hands gripped Bella's ass and he revealed in the feeling of it in his fingers. She was everything and more. He moved his mouth away from her and licked up her face. Bella let out a mewing sound, and while that was strange and disconcerting, it somehow filled him with delight.

Bella was surprised by the disturbing noise that flew out of her mouth. How did she even make that type of noise? Oh well. She decided to go with the flow for once. What the hell, they were married after all. Bella grabbed the button down shirt Edward wore and pulled it apart, the buttons flying throughout the room. It was going to be one hell of a mess to clean up, but Edward had a glorious looking chest that made Bella immediately nibble it.

Edward sighed in response and pulled Bella to the couch and onto his lap. Her shirt was pulled up and over her head. The bra she wore at this moment, was quite a bit discolored from the washer, it's previous white, now more of an off white that bordered in cream. The straps were also stretched out, but really who could blame her. She had bought that brassiere for her culinary school orientation. It was a pleasantly surprising testament to the quality of Kmart bras that it lasted this long,

It didn't matter at all to Edward. He was far too busy nuzzling his head into her boobs and giggling with joy. He was once again in the promise land. He spoke into her breasts, "Oh, your boobs are like little pillows from heaven. Boob clouds are the best things in existence."

"Why do you talk? I was seriously enjoying myself," Bella lifted his head up so she could look at his pretty eyes. "Be quiet and nuzzle my neck, Hot Stuff."

Edward happily obliged, as his wandering hands reached to unhook the bra that was in the way of skin to skin contact. He struggled with the hooks which had been so mangled by repeat washings, and finally freed Bella's beautiful pillows of perfection. Edward was feeling a bit poetic over the extreme sexual feelings he was experiencing. Of course this came out as, "Pretty, pretty boobies."

"Edward, are you alright?" Bella asked in concern. His eyes were completely glazed over as he stared.

"Pretty, so pretty, I want to kiss the breasts." Edward was transfixed.

Bella was confused. "They're just nipples, Edward."

"I want to kiss you, beautiful breasts," Edward murmured.

"They are attached to me, Edward, an actual person," Bella said testily.

Edward looked into pretty eyes of brown. "Oh yes, indeed they are! Beautiful like the woman they are attached to. May I kiss them, my sweet?"

"Sure, if you never call me 'my sweet' again."

"Your wish is my command!" Edward squealed. Like a baby calf getting its first drink from its Mother's teat, he attacked poor Bella's nipple with gusto.

Bella was equal parts grossed out and turned on by this event. Even with her one serious boyfriend in culinary school, a French man named Laurent, Bella refused to let him touch certain parts of her anatomy. She had thought that this was because he worked with raw foods, but in actuality his dreads made her ill. She heard that you couldn't wash those natty braids and was consumed with the thoughts of small insects and birds that might liveinside them. She imagined them waiting until they were in an intimate moment to attack. She was not willing to take the risk.

This was different though, because it felt nice and made her feel tingly. She wondered if Edward tried this the times before when they were intimate, but then again she had been drinking and it was hard to remember much of anything. Of course, all good things get old and Bella was ready to be done after five minutes. "I'm not a baby bottle, Edward."

He quickly pulled his mouth away. "Right well, how about this."

Edward flipped her over and her naked back hit the soft couch. Bella smiled up as Edward hovered over her with a satisfied grin. He ghosted sweet kisses on her neck, while his hand stroked down her body. Edward then took his fingers and had them drift under the waist band of her shorts and paused. He didn't want to appear too forward, but he was giddy with the thought of touching her.

"Are we waiting for the next ice age, handsome?" Bella asked. Her nerve ending were a symphony of vibrating hums.

She called him handsome and not a derogatory name. It was a moment of pure bliss for Edward. He plunged his fingers in her warm flesh.

Bella let out a happy yell, when the door burst open with Chief Charles Swan running in with his gun drawn.

"Isabella! Daddy's here to rescue you!" Charles yelled. Then he quickly halted. His brain coming to grips with the scene before him. He dropped to the ground and covered his eyes. "I'm blind! My child blinded me!"

Emmett lumbered in and observed his brother trying to cover Bella's body with his own and started to laugh hysterically. Between guffaws, Emmett was able to say, "I told you they were knocking boots, Chief! That is fucking awesome. You have a pair of grade 'A' titties, Bella."

"Don't you dare look at my wife, Emmett!" Edward started to get up to beat his brother into submission, but his hand was still planted in Bella's shorts making them both tumble or the ground landing with a crunch on the potato chip crumbs. Bella grabbed Edward tightly to use his body as a human shield.

"Don't you dare move a muscle, Edward Cullen!" Bella squealed, holding him tight.

Emmett held out his cell phone. "I am going to get so many hits on YouTube for this shit, for real!"

Luckily, for Bella, Rosalie had walked in and snatched away Emmett's phone. Rosalie knew that when her best friend was involved, insanity wasn't far behind.

Rosalie pointed at Bella and wagged her finger. "Come on now Hooker, didn't you know that we were outside? Edward told you, right?"

"Sort of," Bella mumbled into Edward's chest.

"Well, now that everyone here is scarred for life, I think it's time for you to get a shirt back on, little lady," Rosalie pointed out. "Your in laws are on their way with more of Edward's junk."

"I do not have junk!" Edward complained.

"Those Batman dolls qualify as junk, buddy," Rose snickered.

Edward gave her the stink eye. "That junk you are referring to are collector action figurines! They are worth a lot of money!"

"I thought you liked action figures, Rosie," Emmett whined. "You said you loved my Spiderman Figurines!"

"Oh honey, that was mid orgasm. I would say I loved watching Barney the Purple Dinosaur if you asked me in the state I was in." Rosalie gave Emmett's huge head a comforting pat.

Bella just groaned wishing that everyone would leave.

"Hey kids! Why aren't things being moved in?" Esme called out, as she walked in the open door her arms holding a large box. Carlisle shuffled in behind her, pulling a large trunk. "That piano isn't going to get in here itself."

Without thinking, Bella pushed up and waved her arms in the air and shouted, "There is no room in here for a piano! No way, are you cramming all of Edward's things into my home!"

"Oh my!" Esme gasped.

"Oh my!" Carlisle whispered in appreciation.

"Oh my God!" Edward whined.

Bella threw her body back onto Edward's with a cry.

It was going to be one of those days.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Thank you all for your support of this very silly story. I thank you for your story follows, story favorites and reviews. They are very much appreciated.**

**A giant thanks to Sunflower3759! She truly makes my stories so much better!**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 15: Hot Crossed Buns

The kitchen was littered with bags of flour, hams in roasting pans and potatoes waiting to be chopped for au gratin. This was normal for Bella, she was in her comfort zone. However, it was far from ordinary, because Edward was hovering and tasting everything.

"You are going to gain two hundred pounds, Edward." Bella slapped his hand as he tried to snag a carrot that she was about to sauté.

He grinned and grabbed a red pepper instead. "My avoidance of your fists of fury is allowing me to work off all the pesky pounds I have been consuming since I met you."

Bella said with a smirk, "You are going to be as big as Emmett."

"Hush your mouth, woman." Edward dropped the roll he was about to taste back on the counter. He suddenly had an urge to run a marathon or at least do ten pushups. "My family should be getting here at noon."

"Cool," Bella muttered. Things were still strange after Edward and Bella's romantic interlude had been interrupted by meddlesome family. Bella swore Carlisle Cullen's eyes were continually glued to her breasts.

"Did you get the outfit my mother got you? Edward stared at his lady love, as she avoided his eyes by staring at her vegetables.

"Do you think we should add some thyme to this?"

"Bella..."

"Uh huh, I think I got it." Bella stirred faster. It was a mint green sweater set with a pair of pleated khakis. Bella could imagine she would resemble a mix of an Easter egg and a politician's wife. Both of those ideas made her twitchy.

Edward frowned. He thought the ensemble would look fetching. He had even helped pick it out. "Are you wearing it?"

"Nada, señor." Bella started humming some old rock song that she couldn't remember the title of.

"Why ever not, Isabella?" Edward put his fingers up to his temples and started to rub them.

Bella shrugged. "They didn't fit."

"Oh well, that makes sense. I apologize for the size issue." He went over and rubbed her shoulders.

"Also, they were hideously ugly," Bella admitted nonchalantly. "I refuse to audition for the role of Stepford Wife."

Edward lowered his head down to hers and sighed, "Oh Bella."

It was their first Easter and with this whole impromptu marriage between them, to say that they were figuring each other out was the understatement of the century. Edward was smitten, infatuated and head over heels in love with his new wife, but he was still a control freak. Bella was somewhat tolerant of his quirks, dealing with his tendency of watching CSPAN at odd times and head over heels in love with the beautiful man even though she would never admit it.

Easter at Bella's house, well now Bella and Edward's, was surprisingly Bella's idea. Edward had been slowly trying to convince her to spend more time with the Cullen clan. Bella was reluctant, but she promised to be on her best behavior and be social on holidays. She had been fine spending a few hours at the Cullen homestead, but, she changed her tune when Edward admitted Esme wanted to cook. It was in the best interest of all if Bella took over those duties and left everyone safe from unintentional food poisoning.

Edward took a deep breath and pinched his nose. "I completely understand, Isabella. You are such a beautiful woman, but you have no fashion sense. That's okay. I love you anyway."

"If you think I am offended you have another thing coming, buckaroo." Bella grabbed a pan to start her raisin sauce. "Thank you for the love though."

"That didn't work? The fact that I mocked your clothing hasn't spurred you to wear that perfectly lovely outfit I bought you?"

"I thought your mother was the culprit?" Bella looked with her eyebrow raised. She had figured it to be the case.

Edward looked sheepish. "Well...I might have been of assistance."

"Sure, that was it," Bella said, unconvinced. "How about I do this, I'll stick on the Easter egg cardigan, but I will pair it with something else, perhaps a band tee and jeans."

"Look at us making compromises, Mrs. Cullen." Edward felt as if they were making progress.

"It's Mrs. Swan-Cullen or Cullen-Swan. Your pick, buddy, because I am pretty flexible." Bella smiled and continued her cooking. Edward had to disagree, his new wife was far from flexible. Why couldn't she take his name without a disagreement? She was the most inflexible woman he had ever met! Well that would be out of the bedroom. He grinned at the thoughts of the acts they performed the previous evening and she snapped at him. "What are you smiling at?"

"I was just thinking about last night. It sure was a lovely evening. Wouldn't you agree?"

Bella stifled a smile. She couldn't help thinking how twisty he could be and when he hit that perfect spot...

"It wasn't too shabby," she reluctantly agreed. Not too shabby at all.

"I have something for you..." Edward said, ignoring Bella's lackluster response to their lovemaking. He found his performance to be, as usual, an act of brilliance.

Bella arched her eyebrow. "Another ugly sweater set?"

"Bella!"

"Sorry, Amelia Bedelia sometimes my sarcasm cannot be tamed. Where are the goods?" Bella held out her hands.

"I thought you hated gifts?" Edward questioned with a smile. "Wait… who the hell is Amelia whatever that last name was?"

"The answer to question one is I have never hated gift giving. I just usually hate what people give me. Answer to the last question is a famous children's book character. What did you read when you were small? It had to be the Wall Street Journal."

"I was more partial to Business Week." Edward gave a flippant wink and rushed out of the room.

Bella stared at Edward's quite attractive backside as he left the room. This whole marriage was one that she had been quite critical of outwardly, but in her mind she liked the companionship. Of course, he was obsessed with cleaning the house. Bella never knew that Q-Tips could be used to clean the corners of her windows until she observed Edward cleaning them. He, to her amazement, took three hours per window. This was just concentrating on the corners.

Glancing at her list of tasks, Bella reflected on that perhaps their differences complimented each other. Maybe marrying each other would be the best thing that ever happened to them. This was never more evident when Edward carried in an Easter basket full of sugary goodness. It was like presenting a crack addict a basket full of, well, crack.

"Edward, it's so beautiful!" Bella exclaimed, already bouncing from just the thought of the sugary snacks.

Some girls liked fancy jewelry. Others loved bouquets of exotic flowers. Bella only had eyes for candy.

"I almost couldn't stop myself from devouring it. Did you see the chocolate covered gummy bears?" Edward looked lovingly at the basket. He was as bad as Bella when it came to sugar. He used to eat spoonfuls as a child. In the long run, it was safer than eating his mother's cooking.

Bella squealed, "No way! Edward, that chocolate bunny is gigantic! I love you!"

"It's it fabulous? Can I have one of the ears?" Suddenly Edward let go of the bunny he had grabbed making it drop to the table with a thud. "Did you just say you love me?"

Did she? Bella wasn't quite sure. "I probably said that I am fond of you. It's an honest mistake."

"You said love!" Edward exclaimed. "Hey, Bella if you admit it then I'll give you a bite of my bunny."

"Is that a sexual innuendo?" Bella asked eyeing her man.

Edward held out the chocolate bunny. "No."

"Fine, I love you." She quickly kissed his cheek. "Now give me the damn bunny!"

Bella took a huge bite off the ear and passed it to Edward with a smile. "Now it's your turn."

Just as Edward was about to take a huge bite, Rosalie burst through the kitchen door. "Are you crazy letting her go to town on chocolate, Cullen?"

His mouth full of chocolate, Edward mumbled, "What's your problem?"

"Oh my god, you are as bad as Bella!" Rosalie threw her hands in the air. "Emmett, did you know this about your brother."

"Sweet Baskin Robbins, baby, look at that basket of goodies! Let me at it!" Emmett let out a happy scream, which turned to a wounded yelp, as Edward hit him over the head with a paper towel roll.

"Leave it alone! That belongs to me...I mean Bella!" Edward looked crazed, which was a look that Bella mirrored as she chewed on the bunny's face.

Alice and Jasper entered soon after, their hands filled with bags. Alice held hers up. "The decorating committee is here!"

Bella clutching her chocolate bunny with an iron grip pointed outside. "The tables outside are already finished."

"Are those wild flowers in soup cans?" Alice whined. "Jasper, it's so...so...so..."

"The picture of elegant simplicity," Edward complimented, earning him one of Bella's rare and genuine smiles.

Jasper looked kindly at the boring display. "My previous love, may I point out that while you made very pretty, but extremely plain table settings, my future love and I made these exquisite glittery centerpieces!"

They were huge and positively glittery. They were giant eggs surrounded by porcelain bunnies and chicks that for some odd and explained reason had peacock feathers sticking out of the tops. Normally, they would make Bella gag. Today, her blood sugar rising to epic levels, she didn't even care. "Just stick them on the tables. Emmett and Rose please grab some appetizers and stick them outside, too."

The groups headed outdoors and were met by Charlie carrying a case of beer accompanied by Sue and Seth. "Hey daughter of mine, who gave you the chocolate?"

"Edward did, Daddy! Isn't he divine?" Bella gushed. She chomped down on the rabbit's arm. "Hi Sue! What's up Seth?"

"Do you have ESPN? I need to watch Sports Center," Seth demanded, his head buried in a portable video game.

"The T.V. is in the living room! Help yourself." Bella laughed happily. It made Charlie nervous. "Where is Leah?"

"She's fixing Easter dinner for Jacob and Billy."

"Can she cook?" Bella said genially, not a snarky look in sight.

Charlie knew exactly why his daughter was acting so friendly. "She bought some turkey T.V. dinners."

"Well isn't that a creative way to find a solution to a problem!"

"Uh-huh, I guess so." Charlie frowned at the telltale chocolate streak at the corner of her lips. "Who gave you the goods, Isabella Marie?"

"What goods, Daddy?" Bella asked all wide eyed and innocent, like a drugged up baby doe.

"Rosie, did you give the chocolate bunny to Bella? You know better, girl!" Charlie exclaimed. He knew that Rosalie found a sugared up Bella hilarious.

"You can't blame me, Chief! It was your new son-in-law!" Rosalie exclaimed.

Emmett looked up from shoveling deviled eggs in his mouth. "They refused to share!"

"I think you're good, son," Charlie observed as Emmett continued onto a plate of puff pastries.

Bella flitted from table to table and then exclaimed, "I need to get dressed."

As she ran off into the house, Charlie grabbed Edward's arm. "Why did you give her the chocolate, boy?"

Giving the same wild eyed, sugar look that Bella had, Edward smiled. "We both love chocolate! This means we're soul mates."

"Oh fuck a duck; you are as bad as Bella is!" Charlie looked pained. "Listen, Edward, Bella gets really happy and annoying when she's on a sugar bender. She isn't herself."

"I like it! She's a sweetheart like this! She's around sugar all day at the bakery. She controls herself there."

"That's work, Cullen! When stupid, new husbands give their new wives too much sugar at home you get Bizarro Bella!"

Edward began to pout, but his eyes lit up as Bella came out wearing the outfit he bought her down to the pair of tasseled loafers. Charlie gave her one look and groaned.

Before Edward could compliment Bella on her beauty, Rosalie started shaking her. "Come out of it, Swan! You can fight this!"

"Oh Rosie, you are so silly!" Bella started to giggle.

Rosalie dropped her hands from Bella's shoulders and turned to Charlie. "Forget this. Chief, pass me a beer."

Esme and Carlisle arrived carrying baskets of brightly colored Easter eggs. Esme took one look at Bella and gave her a huge smile. "Aren't you the prettiest thing, Bella?"

Carlisle looked at Alice. "Sweetie, is Bella sick? She's doesn't look like herself today."

"Edward gave her sugar," Alice answered as she made adjustments to her out of control centerpieces.

"Those eggs look so lovely, Esme!" Bella held a purple one up to admire it.

"Why don't you have one?" Esme smiled at her new daughter's acceptance. "Also, call me mom."

"I am happy to enjoy your eggs, Mom." Bella gave Esme a bright smile, which made Edward start to feel ill at ease.

Bella lightly cracked the egg on the picnic table. She began to peel it and the insides oozed out onto her hands. The group got quiet waiting for the rage to come pouring out of Bella like the yolk dripping onto her shirt.

"Oops!" Bella grinned at all of them.

"Couldn't have happened to an uglier outfit," Rosalie said.

Esme started to help Bella clean off. "I am so sorry, Bella! I thought I cooked them correctly this time."

"It can be tricky," Bella gave Esme a hug. "I'll teach you!"

Edward frowned; he missed Bella's snarky comments.

Edward was going to have to hide the chocolate from Bella. This was feeling too odd. Perhaps Charlie was correct that she had to be carefully controlled when consuming candy.

Suddenly, that idiot, hippie Garrett approached with another bottle of that disgusting organic wine.

"What are you doing here, Hippie? Go back to the commune!" Edward pointed to Garrett's car.

"Bella invited me." Garrett smiled at Bella, but his face looked confused when he took in her appearance. "Are you sick?"

"I asked the same thing," Carlisle chimed in. He began to pour himself a glass of wine. "Supposedly, dear Bella has a chocolate addiction."

"I invited him, love." Bella grabbed Edward's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I thought you two could become friends!"

Edward's mouth dropped. She called him 'love' and not some obscure,demeaning name for a red headed person Garrett's mouth also dropped, because he could only guess that Edward had brainwashed poor Bella. He would have to save her.

Garrett pulled out a folded up paper from his back pocket. He hoped this information would shock her out of this weird daze she was under. "Bella, look at this! Some man named James is buying up Edward's properties. He's duping you!"

"I am sure it's an unfortunate misunderstanding." Bella gave that weird small smile.

"Give me that!" Edward grabbed the paper. James was up to something. "Damn him!"

"Language, my love, we have guests." Bella handed Edward a jelly bean from a bag she had started eating from.

Edward took the whole bag and made Bella whimper. "You are cut off, wife."

Rosalie whispered to Charlie, "Should we warn him about Bella's behavior when comes off the high."

"Nope, Deputy, what fun would that be?" Charlie winked at her. "That'll teach him for not listening to his father-in-law. Don't you think?"


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: I know, I know…I was stuck! I had writer's block and melancholy moments, but my happy is back!**

**Thanks to mauigirl60 for being my beta and fixing my stories! They are so much better with her help.**

**This is dedicated to Bec aka Clancy Jane. She helped me get back on silly track!**

**Thank you for reading and your reviews mean so much!**

**By the way, I completely relate to Bella in this chapter. You'll see.**

Chapter 16: Strawberry Tarts

Mornings for Bella were never the best time of day. She was, not surprisingly, extremely cranky and bossy. Her tresses were a bird's nest of tangles and snarls that, oddly enough, had random feathers protruding from her scalp. That would be Edward's doing, for he insisted on buying overpriced quail down pillows that would leak the offending plumage after vigorous lovemaking. Bella hated them with a bitter passion. She looked in the bathroom mirror and pulled out a feather. She muttered, "There's not enough coffee in God's green earth to deal with these."

Edward, on the other hand, was cheerful from the first moment that light entered their bedroom window. He'd been like that since moving in with Bella and waking up next to her every morning. He didn't need coffee to bring him joy, just Bella's grumpy face. He put his toothbrush down. "Sweetheart, would you like me to brush the tangles out of your hair? I think a small animal might be trapped in there."

Her mouth filled with toothpaste, Bella made a series of noises that barely resembled words, as spittle flew out and onto the mirror.

Edward looked at the mirror in disgust. "How many times do I need to tell you to spit before you try talking?"

He quickly grabbed his cleaning supply basket from the cabinet under his sink and started furiously cleaning the mirror.

Bella spat out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth. She leaned with her bottom against the countertop and complained, "I'm in a bad mood, Howdy Doody!"

He placed his cleaning rag back down in the basket and put his hands around her waist, pulling her close. "I'm sorry about Mother."

Bella wrapped his arms around his shoulders, as he lifted her up onto the counter. She wrapped her legs around him. The conversation she'd had with his mother last night at dinner had made Bella irate and amorous. Edward was waffling between admonishing his mother and thanking her.

Kissing him softly, she murmured into his lips, "Tell Mama Esme to back the hell off."

"She means well, baby," Edward explained, as he kissed her harder.

Bella bit his lip. Hard.

"Call me 'baby' again and I'll leave a scar." She pulled off her shirt.

Edward put his mouth onto her breasts and muttered gibberish into them, hoping she would think he was agreeing with her.

"Do you want a chance to put that large manly dick into me, Archie?" She pulled down his pajama pants. "Tell your mother not to track down that deadbeat."

"Bella," he pleaded. He was starting to enjoy her random ginger-themed nicknames for him. "Mother just adores you so much that she wants you to have family at the Mother's Day Brunch."

"Bullshit. Your mother just loves my cooking." Bella gave a tiny smile. Esme really did adore her and Bella knew it good and well.

"B...Bella, let me in...please?" He ground his erection into her. Edward felt as if he were going to explode.

"I will...if...you tell your mother not to go searching for the egg donor," she stated, grabbing his face and pulling him close.

Edward looked wildly at her. He needed Bella right here, right now. "I'll disown all of them if that makes you happy. I'll stop talking to every single one of my family."

"You don't have to take it that..." That was when Bella's face went from her normal pale with apple-colored cheeks to a ghastly green. "I'm going to be sick!"

She proceeded to throw up on the both of them.

Edward's highly-anticipated plans of actually getting laid were over. Throwing up really was a mood killer.

XXXXXX

Rosalie sat at the counter and watched her friend sitting on the other side, barking out orders to her employees.

"How is that tea tasting, hooker?" Rose asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

Bella looked like she was going to hurl and twisted her body away from the offending smell of her friend's java. "I was fine until you made that stuff waft into the air."

"You love coffee! It's like your blood!" Rosalie said in amazement. "Do you have the plague? Oh, God, you're going to become a coffee-hating zombie!"

"Just shut up," Bella begged, putting her head down on the counter. "Maybe I've been poisoned? Do you think I've been poisoned?"

Alice looked up from where she was cleaning a table. "Did you eat my mom's cooking?"

Bella ignored her. She knew that Alice was a driving force in 'Operation Find Bella's Egg Donor'. That's why Miss Alice was soon to be on toilet scrubbing duty for the day.

Old Mr. Newton chuckled from behind his newspaper. That young lady was with child and that was without a doubt. Michael Sr. remembered the old days when Ethel was pregnant with Mikey and shuddered. He felt sorry for Edward Cullen. Pregnant women were the worst.

"Bella, girl, go on home and let that big hunk o'man take care of you!" Peter exclaimed.

"No can do, Peter Pan! Edward will baby me." Bella looked up. "Would you bring me some orange juice?" Please?"

"Tinker Bella, Tinker Bella have the children clapped three times and given you the magic of politeness? Dearest me, your little bell of a voice has made my heart take flight!" Peter danced around the bakery.

Bella glared. "Liam, get your crazy boyfriend out of my face before I fire him!"

Liam pulled Peter toward the back, shouting backwards at Bella, "I'll quiet him down!"

Rosalie started cackling. "They're going to do it in the back room!"

"Liam, don't you dare!" Bella weakly called. She felt too horrible to really yell. Her head returned to its previous position on the counter.

The door chimed and Rosalie muttered, "Oh, fuck."

Bella didn't raise her head. "Emmett?"

"Oh, no, Bella, it's Garrett."

"What?" Bella raised her head too quickly and clutched her mouth, as she gagged.

Garrett rushed over with a look of concern. He had been avoiding her since she married that vile Edward Cullen. It wasn't fair to Bella and he felt that he needed to apologize. At some point, Cullen would do something terrible and she would need Garrett's support. He would swallow his pride and be the friend she needed.

"Bella, are you okay? Has he done anything..." he began to say.

Bella had both hands over her mouth and just shook her head.

"Idiot, she has to throw up!" Rosalie rushed to Bella's side and started leading her over to the bathroom.

"I have some great herbal elixir that calms the stomach in my car. It has some basil, mint and cilantro..."

Bella turned even greener and shook her head frantically.

The door opened again. Bella groaned, as Kate stomped into the room, her heels clicking obnoxiously against the floor. "You need to get Edward to hire me back! A little gold digger like you will ruin..."

"Hello there!" Garrett squeaked. His eyes were appreciating the gorgeous woman in front of him. He had never been a fan of women in business suits but, for some reason, this woman was an absolute vision. "I'm Garrett!"

Kate was instantly turned on by the adorable hippie in front of her and she usually hated crunchy granola-type men. She wanted _this_ man, however. "I'm Katherine. It's a pleasure to meet you!"

That was it, the most disgusting thing Bella had ever witnessed. It wasn't surprising that Bella threw up on Kate's high-heeled shoes.

As Kate panicked, Rosalie beamed. It was the best day ever.

XXXXXX

The Cullen's backyard could be described, in Bella's opinion, as what would happen if lace doilies attacked. She had never seen so many in her life. Every table was covered in them, along with china that had tiny flowers painted on each cup and vases of arrangements of tiny roses peeking out of baby's breath. Bella wondered if Esme had an epic robbery spree of all the older citizens' homes in a sixty-mile radius and had stolen all of their knick-knacks. That would make sense concerning the abundance of the lacy tablecloths.

Esme had invited every mother and child in town to her event, collecting canned goods for the local soup kitchen. It was a very admirable cause but as Bella watched, with a pounding headache, a group of small children screaming and chasing each other on the lawn with paper towel rolls, she just wanted to go home to bed.

"Hey, kiddo, want one of these fancy, tiny sandwiches?" Charlie sat down next to Bella at one of the tables. "I thought one of these cucumber things might be gentle on your belly."

She looked at it dispassionately. "My stomach is feeling a little better today, but my head feels like there are hammers banging on it. I hope this means the end of this illness."

Charlie squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry, kiddo. Sue is planning on making you some of her special soup."

"I should thank her for coming today and being a 'mom' for me." She gave her dad a tiny grin and teased, "When are you making an honest woman out of her, Pop?"

"Soon, I think. You know what that means, right?"

Bella clutched her head. "I'll have to have Leah and Seth as my step-siblings? I think I'm feeling nauseous again."

"They aren't that bad. I think Seth likes you. It's hard to tell, though, with him on that video machine of his." Charlie pointed to Seth sitting under a tree playing his portable video game player.

Bella couldn't help but laugh. That kid was the picture of predictable. She then looked around the grounds. "Where is Sue anyway?"

"She's trying to comfort Leah. That moron Jacob was running his mouth again and hurt her feelings." Charlie rubbed his mustache. "I put him in jail overnight for disturbing the peace."

"What?"

"He was telling her she needed to be more like little Alice. Leah started crying and he tripped and broke her glass unicorns." Charlie smirked. "He disturbed Leah's peace. Now he can sit in lock-up and think about it."

"You're a good man, Charles Henry Swan."

"You're not too shabby yourself, Isabella Marie Swan Cullen."

Bella stuck out her tongue at him, as Edward came up with a tall wineglass filled with orange juice.

He kissed her hand. "Here's your juice, my wife. Are you enjoying your bonding time with your dad?"

"Yes, Strawberry Shortcake, my father and I are bonding nicely." She squeezed Edward's butt.

"Hey now, kid!" Charlie protested. "No dad wants to see that!"

Edward sat down with them and rubbed Bella's head. "It still hurts?"

"Can we leave in a bit?" she asked leaning into his touch.

He kissed her forehead. "How about I make you a relaxing bath?"

Bella loved the idea of Edward's plan. Maybe the vise on her head would finally loosen. Of course, even the best laid plans could be blown up in an instant.

Rosalie had one hand on Emmett and the other on Alice and pulled them over to the table, Jasper following quickly behind. "These two want to put on a dramatic reinterpretation of their birth for your mother, Edward."

"I choreographed it!" Jasper exclaimed with a bow.

Rose punched him softly in the shoulder, making him wince. "This isn't something to be proud of, brother. If Emmett is going to do what he's saying you told him to do, then poor Esme will be mortified."

"What is he going to do?"

Emmett threw his hands up in the air in excitement. "I'm going to burst out of Mommy's metaphorical womb!"

"It's like performance art!" Alice danced around Emmett. "Edward, Emmett and I are all doing it!"

Bella's mouth dropped open and she stared at Edward. "You're _what_?"

"Well, Mommy does love abstract theater," Edward explained sheepishly.

Emmett pointed to the house. "We need to get our costumes on."

"What are you wearing?" Charlie asked. He couldn't imagine what kind of costumes would be perfect for this brand of crazy.

"Flesh-colored body suits," Jasper said. Alice kissed him happily. He pulled away and explained, "I designed them myself."

"For God's sake," Charlie muttered. "All of you are damned crazy."

Rosalie put her hands on her hips and turned to scowl at the stage. "This is ridiculous!"

"Or amazingly hysterical," Bella admitted. "I'm filming it on my phone. I suggest you never get out of line, my sweet Bozo, or I'm posting it online."

Edward was immediately regretting his choice.

"Maybe this isn't the best idea," he stated, cringing.

Emmett was going to berate him for being a wimp, when he noticed the much-hated James coming into the yard with a stranger. "What the hell is James doing here with the cougar? Damn, that leopard dress is skin-tight. Meow!"

Rosalie looked over where Emmett was pointing and immediately lost the ability to speak due to shock. That had only happened once prior when she was young and forced to be in a _Little Miss Forks Beauty Pageant_ by her mother. She had been asked to describe her favorite Barbie doll and had immediately clammed up under the harsh lights. She'd had a favorite toy truck, but hated dolls. The fear of that moment made her mute. The fear of what Bella would do when she realized who that woman was had a similar effect on Rose. It was going to be bad.

"What the fuck is she doing here?" Charlie groaned. "Bells, sweetie..."

"My baby!" The woman screeched, as she awkwardly walked on the grass with her high heels. Renee Swan-Harris-McGillis-Shamir-Dwyer, with her teased hair dyed red was quite a sight. Time did her no favors, but she still had a penchant for tight Lycra and caked-on makeup.

Bella cringed as Renee hugged her tightly. The waft of the flowery perfume which radiated off of Bella's deadbeat mother's body made that darn nausea come back with a vengeance. Bella gagged.

Edward pulled Renee off her and pulled Bella close. "My wife hasn't been feeling well, Ms...Ms...umm..."

"I'm Bella's momma, honey! Oh, baby, you tagged yourself a handsome one!" She stroked Edward's arm. "Jamie, pumpkin, you didn't tell me that my baby was married!"

"It surprised us all, lover," James said with a sneer and nuzzled Renee's neck. "We'll all be family soon."

Charlie gave her a disgusted look. "Renee, what are you pulling? This man is trying to steal our daughter's business."

It was surprising that Charlie and Renee had ever been a couple, but they had both been wild children when they were young. Their courtship had been passionate and the demise of their relationship bitter. Charlie had chosen to become a respected member of town while Renee had run off to marry whomever she had the most to offer her. The real loser in this mess was Bella. Renee was the reason for her daughter's fear of love.

"Well, hello to you too, Charles. I met Jamie two days ago and it was love at first sight! I would think you'd be happy for me and my whirlwind romance!" Renee gave him the finger. Classy, she was not.

Bella looked at her mother with sad eyes. "I want you to leave!"

Esme ran over with a bowl of broccoli salad. "I didn't think your surprise would come so soon!"

Alice gave a weak smile. She noticed the tension and felt embarrassed by her part to help her mother get Renee into town a couple of days prior. "Surprise!"

"What did you do?" Bella looked at Esme in anger. "Do you hate me? You _must_ hate me!"

"Honey, I just thought you might be missing your mother and that's why you haven't been feeling well. I love you, Bella!" Esme said in distress, and then she took a good look at Renee. Esme realized her good intentions had gone horribly wrong. "Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry! I'll take care of this. Have some of the broccoli salad the caterer brought. You look pale."

"Oh, no, not broccoli!" The smell of broccoli immediately made Bella's stomach flip and flop. She propelled herself out of her chair and ran over to Esme's prized roses. Edward held her hair and rubbed her back, as she emptied the contents of her stomach.

Renee crowed, "My baby is knocked up! I was exactly the same when I was pregnant with Bella. Broccoli was my worst enemy."

Rosalie gasped, "Oh, shit!"

Charlie fainted and fell off his chair.

Esme's hands started fluttering in excitement.

Edward looked up with a huge smile, as Bella just kept heaving into the pink roses. He was going to be the best dad ever.


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Yeah…this is taken from real life.**

**Dedicated to Clancy Jane, because she loves Duckling more than anyone else.**

**A giant thank you to mauigirl60 for making my words pretty.**

Enjoy!

Chapter 17 French Fries and Pickles

"That looks like a bunch of blobby masses." Bella Swan looked at the screen of the ultrasound machine with her eyebrow raised. She had finished the exam, but the image remained on the screen. "That isn't a baby. It's an ink blot test."

Edward grabbed her hand. "That's our amazing offspring, Isabella! The fruit of my loins! The next generation of Cullen greatness! The product of our..."

"Inability to keep it wrapped up, Woody Woodpecker?" Bella smirked. "That nickname works on so many levels right now."

Dr. Felix Grant, Fork's burly obstetrician tried to stifle a laugh. "Mrs. Cullen, the baby has a strong heartbeat."

"Or, I have a wicked case of indigestion." Bella looked at the screen again. "Damned hot sauce!"

"Please tell her to stop eating hot sauce on her eggs! It can't be good for my child. It's probably the most disgusting thing I've ever witnessed her eating." Edward grimaced.

"You're a wimp with no taste." Bella pinched his side.

"Don't start with the pinching if you're not willing to follow up, wife." Edward wiggled his eyebrows.

Bella glared. "Woody, I'll tie you to that bed and you'll be begging for my hot sauce."

Edward got close to her face. He wanted that angry mouth of hers. "Promises, promises, sweetheart."

"Whoa, there, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen!" Dr. Grant pulled Edward away. "Are you two always like this?"

"Yes," Edward stated, looking at the doctor as if he was insane.

"It's our version of foreplay." Bella licked Edward's hand.

"Woman, _that_ is disgusting!" Edward kissed her. "Our child is going to learn so many horrible habits!"

"You love it," Bella grinned.

"I do."

Carlisle poked his head into the examination room. "How's the patient?"

Dr. Grant smiled. He pointed to the screen. "The patients, both mom and baby, are doing wonderfully. The little one seems to be happy."

"Yes, Carlisle, your son, aka the little one, is positively giddy to be a papa." Bella frowned. "Tell him I want ice cream and French fries. Lots of French fries."

"Bella, sweetheart, I think Edward only has your best interests at..." Carlisle tried to explain.

"I disagree. He's feeding me horrible things. Like carrots." Bella pulled a package of Skittles from her purse.

"Mrs. Cullen, not in the office, please!" Dr. Grant admonished.

Bella just stared at him blankly and said, "Hush!"

"Give me the Skittles, Bella!" Edward held out his hand.

She held them up in the air. "Not gonna do it, Wendy!"

"Wait...Wendy?" Edward questioned. All the men in the room were confused.

"The redheaded mascot from the fast food restaurant!" Bella's eyes lit up. "They have the best French fries! We can dip them into a Frosty!"

"I can get you a veggie sandwich on wheat from that vegetarian place on Sycamore," Edward suggested.

Carlisle patted her hand. "It's quite good, Bella."

"Do they have French fries?" She already knew the answer.

"Well, no." Carlisle looked at his son to try and talk up the restaurant, but Edward was fixated on the Skittles.

Bella narrowed her eyes. "No, thank you."

"I love you, but I need those Skittles, Bella," Edward said, approaching her slowly.

Bella hopped off the table and went to the other side of it. It became a perfect buffer from Edward. "The only place other than my mouth they are going is up your as..."

"Mrs. Cullen!" Dr. Grant had never had an office visit quite like this.

Edward started chasing Bella around the table. It was lunacy.

She stopped abruptly and Edward tripped. With a quick pick-pocketing move she'd learned when visiting her nutty mother one summer, Bella dangled Edward's car keys in the air. "Eureka!"

"Don't you dare, Bella!" Edward called out.

"Carl, take Ed home! Mama's getting her fries!" Bella ran out of the room and Edward chased after her.

"Carlisle."

"Yes, Felix."

"I think I'll let Dr. Shirley see them for the next appointment." Dr. Grant thought the wacky Dr. Heidi Shirley would be a much better fit.

Carlisle just shook his head. "I don't blame you one bit."

XXXXXX

Renee couldn't take a hint.

_Bang, bang, bang!_

"Baby, let Momma in!" she yelled through the door. "I brought you diapers!"

Bella and Rosalie sat on the couch, eating ice cream. Bella was dipping potato chips in hers. They were _trying_ to mock _The Bachelor._

"That's exactly what the flea in my belly needs. Diapers," Bella sighed. "She hasn't gained any brain cells, has she?"

Rosalie ate a big spoonful of rocky road. "Should I arrest her? With your mom's yelling, I can't hear what this crazy is whining about. Damn! I have no idea why she's complaining! It's a free trip to Hawaii, idiot!"

Rose loved screaming at the television when she hated what the characters were doing. Bella had a sneaking suspicion that Rose thought they could hear her.

"Maybe Renee will go away." Bella was scooping up vanilla ice cream with a Lay's potato chip. "It's the perfect mix of salty and sweet!"

_Bang, bang, bang!_

"Mommy brought you some V8!"

Bella immediately started gagging at the thought of that horrible tomato juice dreck going down her esophagus.

"Don't you dare throw up near my ice cream, Swan!"

"I love it when you call me _Swan_!" Bella started sniffling. Her hormones were giving Rose whiplash. "People keep calling me _Cullen_!"

"Well, you _did_ marry him."

Bella threw a pillow over her face. With a muffled voice said, "In Boston Celtic gear!"

"I blew up the pictures to prove it." Rosalie had made them into poster size. They were hilarious.

Bella started to weep.

Rosalie went to the front door. "What do you want?"

"What's wrong with my baby?" Renee tried to push through Rose.

"Hormones, you old bag!" Rose tried to push her out. "Go back to Arizona and take that James character with you!"

"He really is sweet!"

Rose tried again to move the woman, but she was unable to move her. "He's a snake! Unless you have a liking for slithery things."

Renee's eyes got wistful. She loved his snake.

"If you could think about your daughter for once in your life, you miserable old bat, you would see he is trying to destroy her livelihood!"

"He said he would let her be the manager of the yogurt shop!" the woman exclaimed. Her tight tank top rode up and showed her wrinkles and rolls of flab. Rose now felt sick. She wondered if Renee would get offended. Not that Rose cared because, frankly, her eyes were offended.

Rose looked at her weeping and gagging friend. Bella cried out, "What is that horrible smell?"

"Mama made you some of her award-winning liver, onions and asparagus soufflé, baby!" Renee held out a Pyrex dish. It smelled so terrible that even Rosalie was nauseous.

"You are truly the worst mother ever!" Rose was about to lose all her patience and arrest the woman for being an oblivious idiot. "Which is saying something, seeing who my own mother is!"

"Oh, gawd, your mother used to be a cheerleader with me! The parties we used to go to, Rosie! One time, your momma got so drunk that she ended up face-down in a punch bowl, with her dress around her waist. It was a hoot!"

Rosie's mouth dropped open. _Her_ snobby mother? Well, would wonders never cease!

"It smells so bad!" Bella moaned.

Rose grabbed the offending food from Renee, rushed to the door and threw it open. She tossed it right onto the entering Edward. He was covered with the stuff.

Bella was sniffing, as tears and snot ran down her face. Damned hormones!

Edward ran over to her and cried, "Bella, are you okay? I'm here!"

One sniff of that rancid stuff and Bella threw up on Edward. Again.

"Oh, come on!" he yelled. He started grabbing tissues to sponge himself off. "I just bought this! Do you think it's going to stain?"

Edward looked at Rosalie worriedly. She smacked him on the back of the head.

"Worry about your wife, idiot!" Rosalie was very tempted to just have Bella move in with her until the kid popped out. She was the only one who could deal with Bella's pregnancy issues.

"Oh...yes...yes...Bella!" Edward stripped off his shirt and Bella started ogling him. "Babe, you need to lie down."

Bella used her sleeve to wipe off her face. Edward was barely holding it together. He needed to sanitize the house, although he was tempted to fumigate it. Maybe blow it up. They were living in a pregnancy-induced pigsty.

She batted her eyelashes. "I won't get mad that you called me _babe_, if you lie down with me."

She stroked his chest. Edward was worried. Bella was being flirty. Bella was _never_ flirty. He wondered if the baby made her possessed.

Renee looked on, salivating and having her own fantasies of her daughter's husband. Rosalie watched in disgust as Renee ran her hand down her own chest.

Grabbing the woman, Rosalie pulled her toward the door. "Off you go to wherever you're squatting, lady!"

"I think I need to find my Jammy Hammy to make me all moist!" Renee exclaimed.

Rosalie realized she was talking about James. She shuddered at the thought.

"Go!" Rosalie picked up Renee and put her down on the porch. "See ya!"

She turned around and saw Bella and Edward making out like teenagers on the couch. The ice cream containers were overturned and dripping all over the floor. It was a sticky mess.

"Ridiculous," Rosalie muttered.

She grabbed her bag to leave when she heard Edward say, "We can't, Bella! The baby's going to know what we're doing!"

Bella growled, "It's the size of a piece of dandruff!"

"He knows that..."

"_She_!"

Edward narrowed his eyes. "_Our_ baby knows Daddy is poking Mommy! Also, we could hurt it!"

"The doctor said it was fine!" Bella yelled. "I want you naked on that bed in two minutes, Ronald McDonald!"

Edward crossed his arms. "I want you to eat a salad!"

Bella screamed.

Rosalie grabbed Bella's arm. "Edward, I'm taking this hormonal meltdown to my house for the night. I'll bring her home tomorrow."

Bella beamed. "Can we get French fries and watch old Doris Day movies?"

Rosalie just smiled.

Edward tried to kiss Bella's cheek and she put her hand on his face. "Sweetheart, don't be mad!"

"You missed out, buckaroo!" Bella hooked her arm around Rose's. "Take me to the fries!"

"Bella, darling, get the small," Edward suggested.

"Let's Super Size it!" Bella exclaimed and stuck out her tongue at Edward.

He watched her going out the door and then smiled. He was going to scrub the floors!


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: Enjoy, my darling readers!**

**Thank you, mauigirl60! This is so much better with your amazing help!**

Chapter 18: Fruit Tarts and Decaffeinated Coffee

Bella missed coffee. Strong coffee. The type that was so strong it curled your toes. This pregnancy was for the birds.

"Just try the grassroot smoothie, Bella!" Garrett pushed the thermos he'd brought in with him over to her. Bella was tempted to stab him with a baguette. "It'll give you energy and ease your headache."

Garrett was visiting her every day now. He imagined the two of them were now buddies. His original reason had been to work on ways to vanquish James. Truthfully, all he did was to push his organic foods on her. He was lonely and had no one else to talk to about his relationship with Kate. Bella loathed talking about her.

Kate was still a pain in Bella's side. If dealing with mood swings, back pain, nausea and a constant need to eat her weight in nachos weren't enough of a chore, she now had Kate constantly in the bakery, mocking her baked goods. She also liked making fun of Bella's now-filled-out form. The woman was a menace, but Garrett was smitten. Bella was trying to be kind, which wasn't her strongest personality trait.

She sniffed his concoction. "It reeks of manure-filled fields. Are you trying to make me vomit? I'm trying to feed this minnow."

"Take a little sip," Garrett suggested. "Please."

She did. Bad idea. Bella spit it out all over the counter. "Are you trying to kill me, Garrett?"

"I thought it was good!"

"You have no taste buds!" The bell chimed and Bella looked up to see Edward coming in. She threw a dish rag at Garrett. "Clean that up! Archie, Garrett's trying to poison me with his stinky health food! Beat him up!"

Edward just smiled at his cranky wife. "I bet it was fine. Thanks for trying, man."

He kissed her head and patted Garrett's shoulder.

Bella scowled. Of course, they would bond over trying to force her to eat healthy. Stupid men!

She unbuttoned her jeans.

"What are you doing?" Edward questioned with a frown.

"I think my pants shrunk in the dryer."

He shook his head. "I think it's the ice cream and French fries."

"I'm pregnant!"

"It's the French fries, woman!"

It had to be. Bella was consuming a non-stop barrage of high caloric goods. She would push Edward's head down on her stomach, claiming the fetus was starving for greasy goodies. He was fairly certain it was heartburn.

She still was the loveliest thing he'd ever seen, but Edward was a fairly intelligent man. Bella's mood swings were intense and there was a very good chance if she gained too much weight, she'd take it out on him. Probably in his sleep, with a pillow. This was really self-preservation getting her to slow it down now, before she had extra weight to suffocate him with.

Garrett knew things were going to get really bad shortly. He slowly moved away from the counter.

Bella tossed the thermos of grassroot smoothie in Edward's face.

He licked it and grimaced. "That _is_ disgusting!"

"I told you!" Bella exclaimed. "You need to put your listening ears on, Anne Shirley and get back to the readin', writin' and 'rithmetic!"

"Stop with the Anne of Green Gable insults, woman!"

Garrett slowly left the bakery, as Edward launched himself over the counter, attacking Bella's mouth. They were grappling each other like they'd been parted for decades.

In Garrett's opinion, it would be romantic if it hadn't started out as a fight about weight gain. Of course, Kate just pointed at Garrett's cargo shorts and told him, "Drop the pants, hippie!"

Everyone had their own way of doing things. That's a fact.

XXXXXX

Jasper pulled out a bag of baby clothes and tossed them toward Bella.

There was a lot of pink and even more sparkles. It was as if a tacky dance club threw up in her kitchen. The child in her belly would be forever branded as the weird one who might be able to score drugs for his or her friends. Not on Bella's watch. She would dress her kid in a burlap sack first.

"You do get that there's a chance I might be having a boy?" Bella held up a pink shirt that had _Diva_ spelled out in sparkles.

"My Alice said that pink is fetching on everyone!" Jasper stated. He pulled down his pants to show his pink flamingo boxers.

Some days, Jasper wondered how he'd become obsessed with the unfashionable Bella Swan. It must have been her bossiness. It was definitely a turn-on, until he'd found his kindred spirit in Alice.

Bella covered her face. "Jesus, man! I did _not_ need to see that! Ever!"

"I'm not trying to seduce you anymore, beautiful Bella! I have Alice. I was just trying to show you that men can wear pink. Edward would do well and good to take that into consideration." Jasper collapsed onto a kitchen chair. "You two are fashionably impossible. You wear boy clothes and Edward always dresses as if he's a mortician."

"We aren't _that_ bad!" Isabella took a swig of water, wishing it was a Coke.

Alice came in the kitchen door, her arms filled with shopping bags. "You two are worse than that. It's like a bag lady and a stuffy CPA who decided to fornicate."

"That was just unnecessary, Alice! What's in the bags? Please, no more stripper baby clothes!" Bella exclaimed. "There'd better be a cheeseburger in that bag! Or three with French fries and a milkshake."

"They're maternity clothes, Bella! You're only wearing sweatpants!" Alice exclaimed. She dumped one of the bags onto the table. "I need a coffee."

"Sweatpants are comfy! Oh...your brother rid the house of all the good stuff! Supposedly, I cannot be trusted to eat proper foods." That's when Bella spotted something shimmering from within the pile. "That better not be sequins, Cullen!"

Alice pulled out a sparkly halter top that read _Baby on Board_. "Isn't that the cutest?"

"No one's ever said that before your crazy ass saw it!" Bella exclaimed. "You'll only get that on over my dead body!"

"Don't tempt me, Bella," she said in her chipper manic way.

Jasper patted Bella's hand. "You need coffee, sweetie. You've always been a bear without caffeine. Remember that time in high school when you punched Mike Newton for taking the last Coke out of the vending machine? Rose still talks about that."

"Of course she does! I got suspended." Bella smirked. "Rose got suspended too! Royce King should have known better than to pinch her butt. That was such a fun week. Junk food and bad movies. Good times!"

Bella started reminiscing about her past with Rose, when they'd terrorized the boys of Forks High, when there was a loud knocking on the front door.

She groaned and pulled herself out of her chair. Damned baby weight!

She threw open the door to see Angela, crying on the front porch.

"Did that Star Wars-loving nerd do something to you? I'll break all of his spaceship models!" Bella would make Ben Cheney cry. She kind of liked the idea.

"My Ben? He's lovely," Angela cried. "It's my library!"

Bella pulled her into the living room. Her feet already had started hurting. In her opinion, men should be the ones dealing with pregnancy. Actually, the big crybabies couldn't handle it.

"Take a seat." Bella pointed to an easy chair, as she plopped on the couch and rested her feet on the pillows.

"Angela! Isn't this the cutest?" Alice came in carrying a tiny gold-sequined beret. It was hideous. "Won't the baby look adorable? What's wrong?"

Angela started weeping again.

"There's something wrong at the library," Bella stated. She yelled into the kitchen. "Jasper, get Angela a water! Oh...and make me a decaf coffee!"

Alice went over and knelt down by Angela. "What happened, honey? Did they steal Bucky again?"

Bucky was a stuffed beaver that was the official library mascot. It almost was begging for the high schoolers in town to steal it. They liked to put it in questionable scenarios around town: humping a stuffed rabbit in front of town hall; dirty dancing with a dead turtle by the fountain in the park. The best, and now a town legend, was how Bucky found his way into the mayor's bed while the man was sleeping. He woke up to find Bucky next to him wearing his wife's negligee. The screams were said to be heard in the next state.

"I locked him in the safe, but that's not the problem!" Angela started bawling. Bella tossed her a crumpled fast food napkin that was hidden in the couch cushions. It looked clean. Angela loudly blew her nose into it. "They're going to demolish the library!"

"The library has been around since the Middle Ages!" Bella exclaimed.

Bella used to live in that musty mausoleum from when she was a wee girl. She would crawl around the dusty floors with a jar and kidnap the spiders for pets. As she grew older, sometimes she would copy baking recipes out of _Ladies Home Journal_ magazines to try out for her willing taste-tester father. As she reached adolescence, Bella used the darkest reaches of the history stacks to practice kissing with Tyler Grant. Even now, Bella found it a relaxing place to reflect and have a quiet cup of tea with her friend. There was no way they'd use a wrecking ball to destroy a piece of the town's history.

"There wasn't even a United States in the Middle Ages, Bella!" Alice exclaimed, feeling smart.

Bella smirked. "Didn't you know Forks was the place where the knights of the round table settled to raise sheep? They built the library back then."

"There aren't a lot of sheep in Forks, Bella," Alice huffed.

"There were awful shepherds, obviously," Bella then added. "They decided on taxidermy instead."

Alice thought about the abundance of stuffed animals in town; not the cute, soft kind in the stores, and shuddered. "That makes perfect sense."

Bella grinned. It really was too easy.

"Will you two stop!" Angela yelled, with tears in her eyes. "That mean man, James, convinced the city council that a _Forever 21_ would be a better fit in that location."

"What the hell is a _Forever 21_? It sounds like a drive-thru Botox joint to freeze the faces of vain old women." Bella was fuming.

Alice giggled. "It's a teen clothing store. Lots of neon and sparkles."

Bella hopped up with energetically and grabbed the phone. She dialed and barked into the receiver. "Red, get over here!"

"That wasn't very creative! Are you angry with me? I should at least warrant the name of a cartoon character!" Edward stated into his cell phone.

He was looking over property that he'd heard James wanted to buy. It was basically wetlands. Edward looked down at his ruined loafers; definitely wetlands.

"I'm enraged at that evil villain, James! He's planning on tearing down the library!" Bella screamed into the receiver.

Edward felt his eardrums rupture.

"Of course, that makes perfect sense!" Edward said. "It's prime real estate."

"Get over here!" His ears were ringing.

She hung up on him.

"Jasper!" Bella yelled into the kitchen. He rushed out with the drinks. "Yes, sweet Bella?"

"We need several cheeseburger deluxe platters from the diner! I need food to solve this problem!" She turned to Alice and Angela. "What do you girls want?"

"Bella, there're more important things then food right now!" Alice admonished.

Bella threw a pillow at Alice's head and missed. It flew into Angela's face. "Oww!"

"My sweet, innocent, unborn child is starving for cheese, hamburger, fries and cole slaw, you demented little baby-hater!" Bella scowled at her sister-in-law. "Time to feed the baby!"

"That sweet, innocent baby is going to be as big as a tank!" Alice exclaimed.

"That's better than parading around the day care like a sparkly drag queen!"

"Ladies! The library!" Angela yelled. They were giving her a headache.

"Right! We need to get rid of this James once and for all. Let's brainstorm!" Bella gave a fist pump.

Jasper came in, jumping up and down. "I have lots of ideas!"

"Those cheeseburgers aren't going to walk into this house by themselves." Bella pointed to Jasper and then the door. "All right girls, we have some planning to do!"

And that they did.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Today is my birthday and I'm updating a lot of stories for all of you. Thank you for reading my stories.**

**One more chapter I think.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 19

It took a little bit longer for Bella to come up with a plan for removing James from her beloved town. The pregnancy was getting increasingly unkind. Her ankles were swollen and the back aches were horrible. She was sitting on a white folding chair and watching as workers set-up the wedding of the century. A wedding that Bella was positive wouldn't take place, because she refused to let it.

"Are you sure that this will work?" Angela sat next to her friend. Her hands were shaking and she was almost in a full panic. "I guess I would have more customers at the store, but it would seem evil to keep books out of the hands to those who want to read!"

This was always Angela's problem and the reason her business was almost bankrupt. She thought books should be free and would give them to those that couldn't afford them. It was like there was a second library in town. The woman would work part-time at night in the library and shelve books. Nowadays, Ben Cheney would come with her and follow her around the library with his nose buried in a Star Wars comic book. Bella thought they were the most awkward couple ever. They were adorable.

Angela continued, "I could purchase a van and open a book mobile. We could drive it to the park and have folk musicians sing as the town come to expand their minds. I just need money to actually get a va—"

Bella placed her hand over Angela's mouth. "No van needed. It will work. We have the wedding ready to go and Edward and his flaming head of red will handle part two. Listen, when this works, I want you to apply for the head librarian position. Mrs. Jenks is retiring soon."

"What about my store?"

Bella rubbed her giant stomach. She felt like a beached whale. "Sell it to Ben or share it with him. He wants to open up a comic shop. The location would be great."

Angela's eyes began to twinkle at the idea. "Are you sure Alice is still willing to do this?"

"Ruin James? She's onboard. Don't you worry." Bella groaned. "I need this baby to get out, Angela!"

"You look like you're beaming!" Angela corrected. "Motherhood is going to suit you!"

"Maybe." Bella watched as Rosalie stomped over in her dress police uniform.

"I'm going to kill that train wreck of a mother of yours, Hooker."

"What is she doing now?" Bella wished that Howdy Doody was here to rub her feet.

"She's yelling at poor Esme about the flowers in her bouquet. Renee wants red roses and lilies." The police officer could barely contain her rage. "That ungrateful bi—"

"Isn't actually getting married." Bella held her hands up to Rosalie. "I should have paid for carnations only."

Rosalie pulled her friend up with a grunt. "You don't have a kid in there. I think you ate a wheel barrow full of bricks."

"Whatever, slutty Rosie, just get me to my mother and let's end James's reign of pathetic terror."

XXXXXX

There was never quite a dress like the lace covered satin monstrosity that Renee wore for her wedding. The sleeves were puffy and bell shaped. You could fit a hundred clowns under the skirt like a clown car. The headpiece was designed to look like the one Cher wore in the classic movie _Mermaids_. It was a jumble of pearls, seashells and ribbons covered in sequins. The whole ensemble was a train wreck and Bella had the giggles.

Bella sat in the front to get a good seat and looked back to see poor Charlie standing next to his ex-wife in the tuxedo he wore when he originally married the nut. It was a bit tight in many places and amazingly the man must have grown four inches. The socks covered in police officer penguins that Bella got him for Christmas were in plain sight. He didn't want to walk Renee down the aisle but no one else would. Charlie Swan was a big softy.

The bride was looking desperately down the aisle. The wedding was to take place momentarily. Bella rubbed her hands together like a cartoon villain and wished she had a mustache to twirl dramatically. It was all going to plan.

Edward rushed over and plopped down into the seat next to his wife. A quick kiss to her temple and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "We are ready to take down the slug."

They had given James a code name for secrecy. It wasn't a very good one. The crew wasn't the best at making devious, wedding ruining escapades.

Something hard poked Bella in her leg. "Woody Woodpecker, is your nickname accurate today? I get that this adventure might be exciting to you in so many levels, but there's a time and a place."

He grinned and pulled a black box from his pocket. "It's a walkie talkie, wife!"

"That isn't obvious or anything," Bella said sarcastically. She grabbed it out of his hand. It was older than dirt. "I hope the equipment you hooked Alice up with works better than this old thing. You'd be better off with two toilet paper rolls and some string."

Edward looked downright offended. "Darling, of course all devices are state of the art. I am a titan of industry" He ignored her snort. "I did, however, forget about walkie talkies. Emmett and I found these under his bed in a shoe box."

"With the _Playboys_ and used tissues?" She tried to stifle her giggles as Edward glared. "Chill out, Woody! Why didn't you just use cellphones? You do realize this isn't the days of Mata Hari?

He loved it when she was being smart but it annoyed him too. Changing the subject was the best course. "Emmett is ready to go!"

Behind a DJ table stood Rosalie's giant beau in a suit and a necktie covered in piano keys. His large hands accidentally broke a record and he said into the microphone. "Aww shit! I hope no one wanted the Electric Slide! I could sing it, I guess."

"No!" Rosalie yelled from behind Bella and Edward. She whispered in Bella's ear, "We don't want to resort to torture. At least not yet."

"Jasper is supposed to be doing the audio!" Bella hissed this and poked Edward in the stomach. This just made him chuckle to Bella's obvious displeasure. That man was just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. One poke and he dissolves into giggles. Bella's mind went to dirty thoughts for a minute of boys and their poking, but immediately got back on track. "Obviously, once again, I need to do everything myself!"

Edward shook his head. "You need to sit, woman! No swollen ankles for you! Jasper wants to protect Alice and Emmett can handle it."

Jasper was wearing a sparkly cummerbund with a matching bow tie and top hat. He looked like he was an extra from a _Chorus Line_. Was he planning on protecting Alice with sassy kicks and choreographed dance moves stolen from _West Side Story_? Emmett was breaking equipment like a bull in a china shop.

"Help Jasper and be a red-headed super hero. I can't think of any, but pretend to be one." Bella kissed Edward quickly. "For me."

Ben Cheney pushed up his glasses and squeaked, "Daredevil has hair of red."

Angela looked on proudly. Ben was scared of talking to people. This was great progress.

"Thanks, Ben." Heaving her large belly up, Bella walked as quickly as her swollen body would take her. She tapped on Emmett's shoulder right as he broke an extra microphone. "You sir, are fired! Go sit with Rose."

"Can I make out with her?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

She punched him on the shoulder, "Grow up, dumb ass!"

There was a thumbs up from her dad and Bella realized he was in on the plan. She fiddled with the knobs and Busta Rhymes filled the air with his toe tapping beats. Bella shouted, "Fuckety Fuck!"

The guests were confused and as Bella continued to flip switches. Two old ladies started to dance with each other in the aisle. A sudden gust of wind blew and their granny panties were in display to all.

Finally, the music stopped and James's voice was heard clearly. "Alice, baby, it's always been you!"

Renee started to screech like great horned owl. Charlie clasped his hand over her face to quiet her down. That way to quiet others down was a Swan family trait.

"You're getting married, James!" Alice squeaked. It sounded like she was trying to evade his grasp.

"Fuck that! I'm using the old cow! She stole a bunch of papers from City Hall for me and we doctored them up. I need her to help me get some of Bella's paperwork. I want that bakery to make the perfect town. It will be the wave of the future, baby! A shopping mecca and all these dupes will be the employees. Minimum wage for all these trashy poor people!"

Alice sounded like she hit a table. "You forged documents?"

"Renee and I both did. Forgery is the only thing she's good at. It sure isn't sex. It makes me feel like I'm sticking my dick in the Sahara desert."

There was the sound of a scuffle. "James! Stop! You're still getting married! Bella and Edward are my family!"

"Let me be your family! I just need to keep Renee happy awhile longer. I'll get the town. You and I go to Bermuda and I let Edward be a garbage man," James stated breathlessly. Alice was being chased around something.

"Stop! I have shovel, James!"

Bella realized they were in the Cullen's garden shed. Where the hell were Edward and Jasper?

He scoffed, "You won't do anything! Gimme, gimme your boobs!"

There was a thunk. It was followed by a thump.

"Alice, my love, we are here to save you!" Jasper cried.

"You're too late. I think I killed him," she stated sadly.

Edward called out. "He's breathing. Are you sure you hit him? I think he fainted."

"Oh! I just hit the potting stand!" Alice sounded happy. "I must have scared him! Neat!"

"That's my girl!" Jasper cheered.

Charlie turned to Renee. "You're under arrest!"

"Want me to take her in, Chief?" Rosalie asked.

Bella held up her microphone. "Rosalie Hale, you have the right to get changed into a white gown. The right to get gold ring on your finger. The right to get stuck with that giant idiot forever or until he really annoys you. It would be a shame to let a perfectly good wedding to go to waste. There's a reason that I picked your favorite flowers for the arrangements."

Rosalie looked at the daisies and tulips that surrounded her. Tears sprung to her eyes. "Emmett?"

"I have the marriage license." He pulled her into his arms. "Don't cry, my pretty girl."

"Bella, I love you," Rosalie stated with a grin. "It's borderline lesbian."

"I know. It's the same for me, Rosie." Bella threw her a kiss. "Happy Birthday!"

"I'd forgotten!"

Bella laughed. Her friend forgot her own birthday every year. "I know. It's okay, because today we celebrate."

XXXXXX

Edward held Bella tightly as they watched his brother and her best friend got married. Rosalie looked pretty in a white gown and Emmett was a giddy goofball.

Charlie was finally able to walk somebody down the aisle and he was proud that it was his surrogate daughter.

"This makes me so happy," Bella whispered with teary eyes. Sometimes she wasn't so tough.

Edward kissed the top of her head. "You did a good thing, sweetheart. I love you."

"I love you too." She watched her friend kiss her new husband. It was beautiful.

"I want this," he admitted. "A wedding with you that I can actually remember."

"Me too," she agreed. Edward looked at her in shock, when she added, "Let's do it."

He let out a whoop and Bella's hand covered his mouth. The crowd looked at them. She said sweetly, "My husband loves weddings."

She slowly lowered her hand and he said quietly, "You want to?"

"After the baby is born. Our child should be in the wedding. Our relationship has always been unconventional. The kid will think we're cool." She snuggled into his side.

Bella was the one who was cool and Edward knew without a doubt they were now heading toward their happily ever after.


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: This is the end. I had fun with these two crazies. **

**Thank you for reading. **

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 20

_One Year Later_

The bakery was packed. Bella was running herself ragged trying to keep up with the steady stream of regular customers and the tourists that were flooding the town. She was anticipating having extreme exhaustion when she got home that night. It would be just fine, because it was worth it. The ache in her muscles would be a happy indication that her baked goods were appreciated and Forks was thriving.

"Liam! I need more of those drama mask cookies and some that have icing tulips! Seth, I need you to clean some tables!" Bella yelled at the staff. Seth was now her step-brother after her father and Sue had a quickie wedding at the Justice of the Peace. Bella would normally find it suspicious that they married so quickly, and she was not interested in having a new little sister or brother. Seth and Leah were bad enough to be tied to. Luckily, Sue had ancient ovaries. She and Charlie were just in love. It made dealing with Seth and the vile Leah worth it.

Leah had moved in with Jacob who was now a garbage collector. They were miserable. Bella was certain they would last forever in unhappy smelliness.

Bella waved at Michael Newton Sr. and pointed to a chair that had a sign that read, _Saved for Mr. Newton_. "You're all set, Mr. Newton."

"You are my favorite young lady, Isabella Swan!" He shuffled over to his table. Alice ran over to the bakery's favorite customer with a slice of cherry pie and a mug of steaming coffee. "Miss Alice shouldn't you be over at the theater with that fiancé of yours? That boy can do anything without your guidance."

Alice blushed a bright red and gave Michael Sr. a big hug. "Aren't you the sweetest thing! I'll head over after this rush."

The line was out the door of customers waiting for some of Bella's finest pastries. The town was packed on this beautiful day for several special events planned to celebrate the rebirth of the town. There was to be the first production of a play in the newly renovated theater that Jasper was starring in. The playwright was the celebrated, but pathologically shy Alistair Huntington. It was obvious that he wouldn't be attending, but the theater world was excited to finally get to see this long rumored theatrical melodrama.

There was also to be a garden show that was being run by Carlisle. Bella was momentarily surprised by this fact. Then she remembered that she hardly noticed her father-in-law, so anything was possible. It only made the good doctor even more charming in her eyes.

There were busloads of gardeners coming in and fighting with the theater crowd for rooms. The new mayor had created a camp ground for the added visitors. There was a concern that prickly plant growers and picky acting aficionados would clash in the motor homes that were pulled into a large field outside of town. Instead of turning into the war of the tourists, the field had become a festival of ideas. The gardeners taught the theater crowd about wildflowers versus cultivated plants. The theatergoers had lively discussions with their green thumbed friends about Ibsen and played theater games with them around the campfires.

There was, unlike Woodstock, no drug use. The mayor was also the Chief of Police. Charles Swan was now the head of Forks. There were rumblings about a conflict of interest from his opponent, Jason Jenks, but that was not the opinion of the majority of the town. Charles Swan was a beloved member of Forks, and it was common knowledge he was the man that would put the town's interests first.

"Bella, honey, I think I burnt these scones!" Esme cried, as she brought out a tray of charred raspberry scones. The smoke was still billowing off of the ruined baked goods. "Sweet Liam is making a new batch. You should fire me!"

Peter followed her out of the kitchen with cinnamon rolls that were perfect. He muttered, "Please fire her."

Bella gave Peter a dirty look and addressed Esme, "It is perfectly fine, Esme. You did a terrific job on the ice tea! Could you make another batch? It's really popular today."

She watched Esme happily scurry to the back with the ruined scones. It wasn't difficult to put tea bags into a container and add boiling water. Esme had learned a lot by working for Bella, and the occurrences of food poisoning had gone down considerably. Normally, Bella would give Esme more tasks but this was a prime example of why she was now on beverage duty. Edward's mother couldn't handle pressure, and there was way too many people to serve. There was no time for a kitchen fire.

"You have become way too nice after breeding. Did the kid come out and a nice demon enter?" Peter asked with a grin. "I have no idea how to handle the new Bella."

"Get to work or I'll cut your pay," she answered with a wink. Peter chuckled at his boss. "Ali, we got this. Head to the theater to help Jasper."

Alice quickly shed her apron. "Cool! I'll have seats saved for all of you up front!"

She ran out of the door and almost barreled into Edward who had young Henry squirming in his arms.

"Watch out, Al!" Edward admonished his sister. "Alec, mommy is right there!"

The brightness of Bella's smile radiated off of her. Alec was the best part of both of his parents. The boy had his dad's red hair and his mother's brown eyes. His disposition was stubborn. That was certainly genetic.

His birth was one of those fabled easy ones. The type that most pregnant woman bitterly call a fairy tale. Bella's labor was relatively quick and the baby slid out. Bella was tired, but happy. There was an added joy to her life that added to the happiness that she now admitted that Edward brought to her life.

The only issue during the birthing process was Edward. The poor man was panicked through the whole experience. Badgering the doctors about the health and well-being of his wife and child was only the start. He also would start humming off-key when Bella went through contractions. The noise he created wasn't relaxing, but mimicked the sounds of an ailing goose.

It was no surprise when he fainted during the birth.

The surprise was the rebirth of Edward Cullen when he woke up and took in Bella holding Alec for the first time. It was if everything had clicked for him. His family was what was important in his life. At that moment, a decision was made. Edward Cullen would be a stay-at-home dad.

Edward had been very successful and had more than enough money saved up for his family. Bella loved running her bakery, and Edward was happy to help her business grow and succeed. He was even happier changing diapers, filming Alec's first word and organizing the larger farm house they moved into. This father oriented child raising that Edward started had become a new normal in town. He was now using his business expertise to run father friendly play groups and music schools. It was as if all his training had led to this. It was the ideal life.

"Mama! Me!" Alec reached his arms out to Bella. She took him in her arms and kissed both of the men that made her life complete.

"How was his morning?" She asked snuggled her son.

Edward grabbed a cinnamon bun. "Garrett and I took the kids to see the gardeners having a drum circle at the campground. It was hilarious when Garrett joined in."

Garrett had become a good friend to Edward after the sugar hating hippy found out that Kate had become pregnant. He was the perfect person to help Edward with their stay-at-home father movement. Kate had the maternal instincts of a rock. She was, however, a great city manager.

Bella chuckled. "Are they coming to the play?"

"Maybe. Kate was throwing up again." Edward took a large bite of his bun.

"She's pregnant again too, Woody? We will have to compare notes." Edward began choking. Bella patted him on the back as she laughed. "I'm joking! When Alec's three we can knock me up again. The look on your face was priceless!"

Edward regained his composure. "I wouldn't really mind, you know."

"Soon, husband." She kissed him. "We have all the time in the world."

XXXXXX

The playhouse was packed with eager theatergoers. Edward yawned loudly. He was already bored and it hadn't even started yet. Alec was playing with some toy plastic keys and staring intently at their bright primary colors. Bella was reading a book on her phone.

"Darling, shouldn't you be putting away the phone?" He questioned.

Bella didn't even look up. "You're just jealous you didn't bring yours, but since I'm kind, I'll put it away after this paragraph."

Rosalie, Emmett, and their twins sat next to them. The baby girls were huge and took up a lot of room in their car seats. It didn't take long for Rosalie to become pregnant and she was the toughest pregnant woman that Bella ever met. She delivered the twins, with Charlie's help, in a police car during a stakeout. Emmett hadn't changed a bit. He was happy to miss out on the birth. He was too busy enjoying a meatball sub.

"My idiot brother better make sure this thing is child friendly," Rosalie complained. "I will beat him up if it's not."

"Alice says it is," Bella said, as the lights went down. "I would take that with a grain of salt."

A piano started playing softly and a spot light came on in the middle is the stage. Jasper walked out in a sparkly suit reminiscent of Liberace or Elton John. He started spinning slowly. That was it. Jasper spinning in a spotlight while the rhinestones glittered and made beams of shimmering light shoot out into the dark.

"What the hell is all this fuckery?" Emmett boomed. His loud voice filled the auditorium.

Rosalie hit him on the back of the head. "Not in front of the babies, dumb ass!"

Bella rolled her eyes.

Jasper continued spinning, until Alice skipped onto the stage wearing a swan costume. She sang, "Beauty is nothing! Beauty is absent! Beauty is a mirage!"

"This is so weird!" Edward whispered.

Alec looked at his aunt in her feathers and began to cry. That made the twins cry and behind them Garrett's daughter Sunny bawled.

Garrett leaned over with a concerned look. "Should we leave? Would that be rude?"

All of a sudden a wizened, old man shuffled out slowly. He was dressed in wrinkly, cargo pants and a ratty brown sweater. He went to the spotlight and pushed up his thick glasses.

A person from the crowd yelled, "Alistair is here!"

The old man said clearly, "Those babies have got it right. This is ridiculous and all of you are pretentious imbeciles."

There was silence. You could hear a pin drop.

Breaking the silence, Charlie exclaimed, "Well I'll be damned! That was the best ending to a shitty play that I've seen all year!"

"Dad! Language!" Bella hissed.

The crowd broke into applause as they gave Alistair a standing ovation. "Bravo! Bravo!"

Just another example of the unpredictability in a little hamlet called Forks.

XXXXXX

The child was in bed. All was dark except the light of the moon and the twinkling of the stars. The streetlight dimmed in comparison. Bella rested her head on Edward's chest as they rocked on the porch swing. The barbershop quartet across the street were practicing songs from the olden days.

Bella used to call it noise pollution, but tonight it was the perfect accompaniment.

"Did you ever see this happening for us?" She asked. "Being this content?"

"Nope, I thought we would still be arguing and mocking each other until well into our eighties." He kissed her head. "I like this better."

"Me too," she agreed. "I was thinking—"

He squeezed her breast. "About my rugged good looks?"

"No, Archie, I had more creative ideas." She bit his ear.

"Are we going to practice baby making?" Edward was positively tingling at the idea.

She arched up and whisper as she pressed her body into his. "Are you up to scandalizing a barbershop quartet?"

"Lover, you had me at up."

Two hours later, Bella and Edward were sitting on opposite sides of the swing. Charlie was pacing in front of them.

"You better be so glad that you have nepotism on your side, Isabella Swan Cullen!" Charlie complained. "Do you want to spend the night in the slammer?"

Edward wiggled his eyebrows at his wife and motioned towards the police car. A new, kinkier plan was made.

Bella just grinned. She didn't know this was her dream life, but she was so very happy that it came true.

The End


End file.
